I Hate Full Moons

According to Wikipedia: Full moon is a lunar phase that occurs when the Moon is on the opposite side of the Earth from the Sun, and when the three celestial bodies are aligned as close as possible to a straight line.


I also learned under the "Characteristics" section that "david smith is cool", but that is neither here nor there. What Wikipedia fails to indicate is how the full moon affects how we sleep. One night a month, I can't frigging sleep and it's because of the damn moon!

I know there are tons of theories out there regarding how the moon affects everything. The moon affects the tides, affects The Mrs. monthly "friend", and could quite possible be made of green cheese. Instead of the full moon keeping me up because my body is made up of 70% water, why can't it be because I'm a Werewolf? Think of all the fun I could have...

What's Going On In The World?

The Nits informed me that there is a lot of happening in our weird and wacky world. Since I appreciate and value The Nits' opinion, I decided to poke around this "World Wide Web" and see what I may be missing. Of course, I'll give you MY two-cents, but you can decide for yourself if you really care.

1) Keifer Sutherland popped for DUI...AGAIN! - Ok, we all know Keifer likes his libations and often this leads to hiccups in judgement. For instance, how can we forget how when Sutherland was so blasted, he decided to Jack Bauer a Christmas tree. Oh, you missed that? Here you go!


2) Milton Bradley tears knee up, ending his season...While arguing! - Bradley is an overrated, controversial player, who even when he's playing nice still gets hosed. Some call it bad luck...I call it Karma - ain't it a bitch?


3) Swedish game show host RALPHS on air - This one makes complete sense. Obviously, Eva Nazemson (host) had a "Royale with Cheese" for lunch and just forgot to purge. It's Sweden! If this chick gains two pounds, she's replaced! She was just thinking of job security.

Summer Is Over?!?!?!?

I should have seen this coming. All the signs were there, and apparently I was in such denial that I just ho-hummed through September. Apparently Summer ENDED yesterday! You know, when the Patriot's picked up Randy Moss this past Spring, I was only joking about bypassing the Summer. Well, friends, my wish came true because the Summer is over and all I can do is shake my head and say, "What happened?"

I compiled a list of things that I conveniently ignored, that really would have softened this blow. I'm sure many of you noticed all these transitions and were fully prepared for another Summer's demise. I can only hope that before I find myself waking up to 12 inches of snow that I have to shovel, that ONE of you warns me about winter!

Top Ten Reason Why I Should Have Known Summer Was Over:
10) Women in the city are walking around in Uggs.
9) Brady to Moss...again, and again, and again, and it COUNTS!
8) I helped my father-in-law close up the pool.
7) It's fricking freezing in the morning.
6) A family of turkeys were frolicking in my backyard.
5) It's dark out by 6:30 pm.
4) There's an abundance of Octoberfest beers at the packy.
3) I've already purchased my Halloween costume.
2) Everyone I know is going apple picking.
1) My parent's asked me what our Thanksgiving plans were.

Happy Birthday - Lumbergh (aka Gary Cole) Is 51!

You can't deny that when you first saw "Office Space", you thought to yourself, "That Lumbergh guy...he's just like MY boss! Fucking Lumbergh!!!"

Aside from being one of my favorite movie characters to hate, Gary Cole is a prime example of one of those actors who you recognize in a million other movies. Only difference now is when you see him in a movie you say, "Hey, it's that Lumbergh guy!"

To the very few of you who've actually seen the updated "Brady Bunch" movies, Gary Cole played "Mike Brady". A better appearance of Mr. Cole would be as "Cotton McKnight", commentator for The Ocho in "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story". According to IMDB, he's been in a ton of other crap, but there was one credit that kind of stood out. Cole played "Doctor Heichman" in an Etan Cohen short called, "My Wife Is Retarded". If that title doesn't say it all. Of course, The Mrs. is certainly not retarded, but I'm sure there are plenty of husbands out there who suspect theirs are...RRRRRRiiiiiiiiight!

And yes, I'm working this Sunday.

No One Is Safe From OJ!

One of O.J.'s Alleged Victims Suffers Heart Attack

Posted Sep 18th 2007 9:33AM by TMZ

One of the memorabilia dealers who spoke to TMZ Friday about the alleged robbery incident involving O.J. Simpson in Vegas was hospitalized yesterday with chest pains. The Associated Press reported Bruce Fromong was transferred to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. CBS Radio reported Fromong's condition was much worse, and that his heart had stopped and had to be restarted.

I'm sure you all have heard that OJ has been in a little hot water. Unfortunately, I think OJ watched "Ocean's Eleven" one too many times. I'm not sure if the memorabilia that OJ was trying to retrieve was obtained lawfully or not, but Bruce Fromong should have known better not to mess with "The Juice". Having possession of any of OJ's stuff is worse than wearing a tiki you found at a construction site in downtown Hawaii.

Does OJ honestly have enough money left to weasel out of this one? Regardless, here's the lesson learned - Don't Mess With OJ! Put that tip right up there will all the ageless common-sense lessons. Even if he can't getcha, he'll still Getcha. I'm sure that deal he made with Lucifer had something to do with all this, and I fully expect OJ to be reincarnated as evil doll or something. Also, do I smell a book sequel - "If I Did It 2"???

Funny And Obscure Quote Of The Day

"They just jumped on us like a spider monkey," said Chargers fullback Lorenzo Neal.

No one can dispute that the NE Patriots laid a whoopin' on the San Diego Charges on Sunday night, but can anyone other than Lorenzo Neal compare it to being attacked by a spider monkey. The only person who may be able to make this comparison is Nia Simone Scott, but she was mauled by an escaped gorilla! I think a gorilla would do far more damage than a runaway spider monkey, and if you watched the game it looked more like King Kong blowing up Phillip Rivers and L.T.. I hope Neal continues the random animal metaphors. I'd love to hear, "We attacked them like rabid aardvarks!" or "Our defense is as solid as an Emu egg!" Maybe the Krafts should consider a team name change - Go New England Spider Monkeys!!!

May 2nd, 2008 - Mark Your Calendar!

Every year there are 2, maybe 3 movies that I HAVE to see in the theaters. With "Cloverfield(?)" and "The Dark Knight" already taking their spots, I'm MOST excited about this -

I'm Finally Back

I took the last few days off to help The Mrs. with her free event for kids in Q-Town. Basically, The GetFit Solution and the US Army teamed up to get kids outside and active. There was an obstacle course, a rock wall, music, whistles and yours truly posing as Q-TV cameraman. All-in-all it was a fun event for the kids and the parents.

The park where the event was taking place also had a skate park. Through all my hustle and bustle, I had a little exchange with one of the BMX bandits, who looked shockingly like "Chunk" from "The Goonies". I found this kid's responses witty, yet disturbing...I think this paints a pretty good picture of today's inactive youth.

"Chunk": Hey, you got any food over there?
Batesy: No, but we have a rock wall.
"Chunk": Yeah, what's up with the Army trying to recruit all the kids?
Batesy: They're not recruiting, they're partnering with my wife's company to promote fitness.
"Chunk": Yeah right, they want to send kids to Iraq. I know what they're up to. I'm not joining no Army.
Batesy: Then why not try the obstacle course, the rock wall and ignore the Army guys?
"Chunk": I don't want to get fit either.
Batesy: Well, we'll be here the next two days from 3 to 5, in case you change your mind.
"Chunk": Just bring some hot dogs and cheeseburgers tomorrow, and maybe I'll think about it.

Now, being ordered to cook for the fam is one thing (there are benefits to that), but when a little smart-alleck porker on his two-wheeled soapbox requests burgers just for being there, I draw the line. Watch this kid grow up to become a Senator or something. Damn kids!

It's Official - Certified Personal Trainer

The Mrs. finally got her results back from A.C.E. (American Council on Exercise) and she PASSED! I'd like to be the first just to say "Helluva job there, slugger"! The Mrs. logged in many, many hours studying and practicing to get to this point.

For any of you out there in need of some training the personal way, why don't you give The Mrs. a jingle. You can find all her contact information at The Get Fit Solution.

Ex-Patriot Punter Doesn't Put Up With Dad's Crap

Baugher pleads not guilty day after release by Pats - ESPN.com news services

The day after being cut by the New England Patriots, punter Danny Baugher is alleged to have turned his anger and frustration on his 54-year-old father.

Baugher, released by the team on Aug. 29, has been charged with assaulting his father, Erle, in a fast-food parking lot at 4 a.m. on Aug. 30, police said.

Police said Danny Baugher, 23, was drunk at the time and told them that he "was released by the New England Patriots [Aug. 29] and he was not handling it very well," according to a police report obtained by the Boston Herald.

I'm sure after being summoned to Coach Belichick's office, Baugher pretty much decided that he and his good buddy Jack Daniels would deal with him being released. I'm sure after some "alone time" (aka Huge Bender), Baugher would regroup and land himself on another roster - I'm mean he did boom a 70 yard punt. Then his father had to start laying on the crap. I can hear it now, "You're not good enough to be a Patriot - you wanna know why? Because you're a BUM! You'll always be a BUM!" Baugher just wanted to be wasted and eat his 4th Double Quarter Pounder with cheese at 4:00 a.m. and be left alone. I think "Dad" got off easy - instead of getting bashed in the face, Baugher could have punted his father nuts into his esophagus. We can only hope that all this legal b/s doesn't cause Baugher to pull a "Ray Finkle".

How Deep Can Someone Sleep?

Tuesday's commute home wasn't unlike any other. Red Line to Quincy Center where The Mrs. and Baby G are either waiting (or usually running 15 minutes late). Today though, when I got out of the station I noticed a small army of cops hanging around a car about 4 cars away from the Batesymobile. Thankfully, The Mrs. witnessed quite a chaotic scene involving a locked car and a potential dead guy.

Apparently, this guy's significant other just completed her commute expecting to find her ride ready to screw. Upon reaching the car, this woman discovers her man unresponsive, locked inside the vehicle. After a few feeble attempts to rouse the driver, she goes bonkers and starts screaming for any cops in the area. Since it's Quincy Center T Station, about 25 of Quincy's finest rush to her aid. After inspecting the scene, the fuzz decide the BEST course of action is to surround the car and start rapping their batons on every window. When this is unsuccessful at awakening the man, the woman starts wailing about how the man is dead. Completely baffled as to how to deal with the situation, the officers were rescued by a man parked next to The Mrs. who apparently never leaves home without his trusty hammer.

My initial thought was that these guys probably bashed the driver's side window, assuming that this stiff won't feel a thing. Smartly they broke a passenger side window, which to their surprise woke this gentleman right up. The guy was ALIVE!?!?!

Now I consider myself a pretty deep sleeper, but can this be for real? I mean, this dude had to been overdosing on some cheap Quincy heroin or downed a bottle of NyQuil (which essentially is the same thing). I guess some dudes just love their REM sleep. I'll never doubt one of those insane college photos of some idiot so blacked-out that all his "friends" have covered him in makeup, tampons and Sharpie written "I am gay" signs. I wonder if his car insurance has oversleeping coverage? This reminds me of one of my favorite Monty Python scenes!!!

Can He Say That???

I guess when you raise $63.8 MILLION dollars for Muscular Dystrophy you're allowed to call some kid an "Illiterate Faggot"? One more cocktail and Jerry Lewis would be having these kids fight it out Mike Vick style.

Ninja's Are The Biggest Shit Talkers

China kung fu monks seek apology for ninja affront
Fri Aug 31, 1:34 AM ET
China's Shaolin Temple, the cradle of Chinese kung fu, is demanding an apology from an Internet user who said its monks had once been beaten in unarmed combat by a Japanese ninja, Chinese media reported on Friday. "The so-called defeat is purely fabricated, and we demand the Internet user to apologise to the whole nation for the wrongs he or she did," the Beijing News said, citing a notice announced by a lawyer for the Shaolin monks.

As I was trying on my custom-made Black Spiderman costume (from China) yesterday, The Mrs. made the comment that I looked like a ninja. Thinking about that now I'm wondering, does the ninja "make" the costume or does the costume "make" the ninja. Honestly, that's the only reason why their cool, right? They get to sneak around, dressed all in black with a utility belt filled with throwing stars and knock-out gas. Aside from looking cool, do they really believe they can kick a bunch of Shaolin monk's asses? Even in "American Ninja" the Japanese ninjas are getting whooped by the dude from "Bachelor Party".

I think ninjas need to revamp their recruiting tactics. I mean, do they just advertise in "The Metro" and on the Red Line? Check out this video of some ninja wannabes.

I'm also kind of disappointed that Shaolin monks have a lawyer, but I guess you can't just kick a ninja's ass anymore without some legal ramifications.

Which Is Worse - Marriage Or Death?

Bride and widow in single ceremony

NICE, France (AP) -- Dressed in a demure black suit, a 35-year-old Frenchwoman has married her dead boyfriend, an exchange of vows that required authorization from President Jacques Chirac.

Notice how the groom is mentioned as boyfriend...why not fiancee? At least the drunk driver spared this gentleman from a far longer, more painful death. This chicks has to know that if they only way she can get hitched is to marry her dead boyfriend, then she's doing something wrong...or just really ugly! Rest In Peace Frenchie, because whatever purgatory you're hanging around in, eventually you're probably going to get off light. Now that I think about it, the title is a trick question.

I'm Pretty Sure My Team Stinks!

It's fantasy football season again and on Sunday The Usual Suspects and I had our league's draft. Receiving the 4th pick this year, I kind of felt like the Boston Celtics during the lottery draft. Initially, I was really happy with my team, but I really think that was the Twisted Tea clouding my judgement. Not even The Keels and his fruity picks could have given me any sort of advantage. All-in-all my team is talented, but fragile and I must be insane to be banking any success from a rookie running back. Below is the players who will get the most exposure. I have a couple throw-in's who will probably end up on the scrap heap. Dallas' defense should put up some decent numbers also. I'm playing Ron Mexico's team Week 1 and the current projected score is Good Guys - 108 and Bad Guys - 293. Quick question...Who should I make that $25 check out to???

QB-Drew Brees: Dump off to Reggie and let him do the rest.

WR-Andre Johnson: Please give Schaub time to throw.

WR-Santana Moss: What's body part is going to break next?

RB-Frank Gore: Last year = STUD! Don't turn into DUD.

RB-Marshawn Lynch: Rookie, so it's huge risk, huge reward, huge mistake?

TE-Jason Witten: Romo's safety blanket - solid in the red zone.

RB-DeAngelo Williams: Why won't Foster go away or just die?

WR-Deion Branch: I really want to like this guy.

K-Josh Scobee: I just like saying his last name.

TE-Greg Olsen: Shockey without the drama, but Grossman stinks?

QB-Alex Smith: Just get it to Gore!!!

Owen Wilson Tries To Off Himself???

Report: Owen Wilson Attempted Suicide After Blow-Up With Close Friend
LOS ANGELES — Owen Wilson was found bloody and dazed after trying to commit suicide by overdosing on pills and slitting his wrist in the wake of a blow-up with a close friend, a source told the New York Post.

This bothers me for a lot of different reasons. First, ever since I saw "The Haunting", Owen Wilson has been kind of an inspiration. My initial reaction of Wilson in this movie was, "How the hell does a nose like that can the lead male role in a movie?" It wasn't until I started investigating Wilson's other bodies of work that I realized that deranged comedic talent can supersede average looks and facial imbalances. Even in bit parts, like his ex-boyfriend character from "Meet The Parents", Wilson steals the scenes.

Wilson had carved such a niche for himself that I think directors just say, "Play the part like that guy you play in every other movie your in." Seriously, ideal life - mad loot, out of the paparazzi eye, dating actresses and all your friends are other hilarious actors. Now we hear how he suffers from depression so bad that he tries to do himself in???

I say "F-U Owen Wilson". You couldn't just call up your buddy Will Ferrell for a laugh? Is the fact that your ex, Kate Hudson, is making out with Dax Sheppard all over town got you down? You couldn't take a little trip some seedy part of Vegas? Do me a favor, if you don't like your life, then give it to me, you selfish bastard! The Mrs., Baby G and yours truly would fit right into your cushy mansion, having pool parties with Ben Stiller and your brother Luke. I can already picture my average mug in "Wedding Crashers 2: Crashers Revenge"!

Have You Ever Been THIS Bored - Part 2

I'll give this redneck credit (I have to believe that something THIS stupid was done by a redneck), at least he knew to "Stop-Drop-Roll". Please note that WD-40 is good for a lot of different things...just don't go f-ing with it. The "Force" is strong with WD-40!

The Future Of The New England Patriots Is Safe

Tom Brady was not present at Patriots practice today! Hmmm....apparently for good reason. It is reported on Boston.com Brady was heading west to welcome his newborn son into the world. Now, I can only hope that Coach allows Brady to skip the remaining two preseason games. Last Friday it appeared that either Brady pissed off his O-Line or maybe instead of seeing "12", the Titans saw a bulls-eye.

On a side note, I've started making plans for Baby G and Baby B's wedding in about 18 years. I figure Lil Brady will be the only one of Baby G's suitors that I won't greet with a knuckle-sandwich.

Not Only Is It Tuesday...

It's Chuck Norris Tuesday!!!

Go ahead...Shake your money-maker!

If "The Man" is busting your chops...

Let them know it's Chuck Norris Tuesday!!!

Get pumped!

Release all your frustration!

Live today like Chuck Norris would want you to:

Summer Camping Trip Recap

I've been sitting on this blog for a week now, while I waited for the photo evidence. The Mrs. and I shipped Baby G to the Grandparent's house, so that we could accompany The Usual Suspects on a camping adventure deep in the woods of New Hampshire. Armed with 130 beers, 24 Twisted Teas, a bottle of Bacardi, a box-o-wine, a watermelon, 12 hockey-puck burgers, 6 hot dogs, an enormous tub of cheese doodles, a wiffleball set and a list of do's/don'ts, ten of us braved the elements and bugs at MP's family cabin.

There was definitely something endearing about the cabin. Maybe it was the history of the cabin, the pictures on the walls, the outhouse, the creepy well from "The Ring", or just being amongst friends preparing to inflict massive amounts of damage to our livers. For some, their livers were the least of their worries. Throughout the 24 hours there were smashed heads, broken pinkies, disgusting spider bites and veggie-burgers. All-in-all, we adhered to at least half of the rules, had to some good laughs and made it back to Massachusetts alive. Here are some highlight pictures of the trip:

"Welcome to our Summer villa!"

"We're all having a swell time!"

"International sign to ward off evil spirits."

"I'm done, the outhouse is all yours."

"Step, one, two, step, three, four..."

"We prefer slow-dancing, thanks."

"International sign to ward off P.D.A.'s!"

"Do you know who 'The Man' is?"

"THIS GUY!!!"

"Wait a minute...It's 6:00 AM?!?!?"

"Try to send us to rehab...We said No, No, No!"

"I think my pinkie is broken.."