I'm Really Not Into Sweets (Anymore)

But I feel this strange urge for some Cookie Crisp cereal. Could it be because it's 6:30 am? Is it because that was the ONE cereal Estelle refused to buy growing up -these were ok though

If Baby G REALLY wanted Cookie Crisp, would I follow in my mother's footsteps and deny her cookies for breakfast? If anything, Cookie Crisp is the one cereal that always stayed true to itself. I'm sure there are some marketing dorks who always chime in with, "What if we add marshmallows or multi-colored cookies?" I think by not eating Cookie Crisp cereal I'm rebelling against the American way. Yes, I'm going to the store right now...must eat Cookie Crisp...Cookies for breakfast will make me run faster and jump higher...Cookie Crisp...Cookies...

No One Is Innocent, But I Felt Compelled...

A vast number of accounts that I would love to share may involve certain individuals that might not appreciate being identified. Yes, we should be proud of all that we do, but bottom line is that we've all done some pretty cringe-worthy things together. Thus far I've dubbed my close friends as "Usual Suspects". As a whole, I feel this is appropriate to whom they represent. They are essentially my closest friends, who I've come to appreciate more than they probably know. They only represent a fraction of the characters that inject themselves into my little world. To help my loyal readers, I've decided to offer a key code to better help YOU identify the people in my "neighborhood". Those close to us may be able to deduce who each code represents, so for all you Sherlocks - Keep It To Yourself! Also, if you believe that you've identified yourself and feel misrepresented - Go To Hell...you're a part of my world and appreciate that I'm not revealing you as a donkey. Plus, isn't it more fun to speculate WHOM may be the Donkey-Of-The-Day? We'll start off with the simple stuff:

1) I = Your fearless leader

2) The Mrs. = My lovely wife who keeps home-life entertaining

3) Baby G = The fruit of our loins

4) The Costanza's (aka Frank & Estelle) = The Massachusetts version

5) The Bake-O's = I give "The Yahoos" credit for this one

6) The Usual Suspects = See above, too many to expand upon (they should know who they are)

7) The Yahoos = Supporting cast of The Usual Suspects

8) Feds = Boss of The Animals

9) The Animals = Figuring out if they're Pro-Force or Pro-Darkside

10) Auntie = Sleeping Beauty

11) The Firm = Helps bring home the bacon

12) Get Fit = The Mrs. company

13) Get Fab = #1 competition of Get Fit

14) BB (aka Bianca) = She's our cat...I'm pretty sure she doesn't read my blog

15) Triscuit = Skeletor got reincarnated as a dog

16) The Tenants = 3 Guy who rent our house

This is a good start. Believe me, I will be more specific when an interpretation calls for it - using clever alias's of course. Essentially, I want to instill confidence that even though we've all been guilty of being involved in some unusual situations, I strive to protect your identity...except for myself. I'm almost proud of all my exploits - I only have one shot at this life, might as well make it worth it!

Wouldn't You Love A "Goonies" Sequel?

Men's Room Etiquette - You Knew This Was Coming...

If there was ever a pet peeve of mine, it's men's room etiquette. I have no idea what goes on in the women's room, and honestly ignorance is bliss when it comes to that domain. I like to believe women don't grunt, poop or wipe their ass (not necessarily in that order). I'm actually happier believing that the women's room is just a room with mirrors where women can bitch about men (and according to Hollywood, do lots of cocaine).

For the men who find it completely acceptable to make small talk while expelling internal bodily waste through external orifices - this test is for YOU. If you fail, then take it again...and again...AND AGAIN! I want this branded into your grey matter, so if ever our paths may cross in the men's room you'll know the rules.

You May Begin The Test Below:

More Games at arcadecabin.com | Cool Generators

I Hate Crocs (and Croc Facsimiles)

When I first started noticing overweight, middle-aged woman waddling around the city in these poor excuses for footwear I thought it was a brilliant marketing idea. They were the perfect accessory to the woman who could care less about their appearance and needed the rubbery forgiveness for their overly calloused hooves. I figured that this "fad" would never get beyond the target audience and just fade into the unknown.

That was then and now I bet that you couldn't throw a Pet Rock and not be able to hit someone who owns a pair of these things. Do we honestly not believe that this fashion trend will not go down as one of the most cringe-worthy staples of 2006/2007? I don't care how comfortable you are led to believe they are...they are hideous and it doesn't matter what color of the rainbow you own. This is not my problem with Crocs (and Croc Facsimiles)...

Ever since The Mrs. bought herself and Baby G. a pair of these things, I've figured out that they are not footwear, but death-traps. The Mrs. doesn't notice the dangers, because she's not 2 years old! In the last 6 months since Baby G. has worn Crocs, I can directly attribute every fall, cut, scrape, split-lip, tantrum and turned-ankle. Just yesterday Baby G. received all of the prior in one violent spill. There is NO ankle support for a child who only wants to run, climb and play, so why market it to young children. "Because they look so cute!" says The Mrs. Well, here is an artist's rendition of Baby G. after a "Crocident":

Parents - Stop torturing your kids! They'll look a helluva lot cuter without facial scars and missing teeth. For more information, please check out this related blog - http://crocsaccidents.blogspot.com/

The Benefits Of Inviting Me To Your Summer Cookout

Every summer, the Mrs and I host a handful of gatherings. Whether it be just a cookout, a pre-concert swill-fest or birthday party; we like bringing folks together. We've also NEVER discriminated, so if your cousin Ezekiel from Alabama, whose idea of B.Y.O.B. is a pickle jar filled with Moonshine is in town then bring him along. The more the merrier and all we've ever asked is that you take responsibility for yourself...and Ezekiel.

Whatever the event, we have always used as many means as possible to "spread the word". We encourage others to bring others and tell others. When it's go-time it's the usual suspects who end up coming over and as long as usual suspects stay usual, then any event is always a success.

Which brings me to those who don't attend. I naturally assume that you just have something better to do, and I'm not offended. What confuses me is when we hear second-hand of a gathering hosted by someone we know, to be attended by usual suspects, and we're not thrown a courtesy invite. In fact, I take great pleasure in making hosts feel very uncomfortable and guilty about the snub. Does a guilt invite hold less weight than a legit one? Nope! If anything it holds more weight, because we're not even supposed to be at this shindig. I proved that the host does not have to stones to say, "No, you can't come!"

So to avoid further personal embarrassment and loss of pride, just invite us to your stupid cookout, birthday party, brew-ha, or whatever excuse you have to enjoy a summer day. I guarantee that we're potty trained and that there will be people there who are happy to see us. You'll also continue to receive our own courtesy invites...even if you have something better to do.

Have You Ever Been THIS Bored???

Actually, this is a "never-been-seen-before" scene from next year's season of "24". Our beloved Jack Bauer may be in WAY over his head on this day!

Killer Dog On The Loose!

Do you see this dog?

Looks cute, right? Well, behind all the white fuzz lies PURE EVIL! I know what you are saying, "How could this adorable white angel be anything except wonderful?" Well, go ahead and give a pat...Go Ahead...I Dare You! You'd be down to 2 fingers in the blink of an eye. Besides the fur, do you know what else is white? This hellhound's fangs that nearly tore Baby Gwen's intestines out. Here's another dog that was seen in New York City:

Coincidence??? I don't think so!

Every Journey Starts With The First Step

At some point in the last 30 years I became an "adult". This actual moment could be debated for the rest of time and I'm sure there are some who would love to take full credit for this miracle. There are some who would even argue that this is a myth...and to be honest, they wouldn't entirely be wrong. I personally like to think that there is a natural evolution that we either accept or reject, once it's staring us in the face.

To clear things up for everyone, my transformation came on May 27th, 2005 at about 11:36 pm. Within that moment evolution was staring right at me and for me there was no other option than embrace this new adventure.

With this new outlook on life and the world around us, I start noticing that my prior prospective was extremely linear. Viewing the world in black and white was like taking life for granted. My eyes were now wide open to the world and myself.

So after spending 28 years thinking I knew everything, I'm now faced with the fact that I knew nothing. So I started working...HARD! I had to figure out how to be the best husband, father and Brian I could be and strive to be better. I had to actually accept failure and learn from those mistakes. I had to mend fences and rebuild trust. Through it all, I tried to appreciate all that has been given to me and realize that every moment is a privilege.

It's now 2007, two years from when I started this journey. I'm still not the "man" I strive to be, but fortunately I don't have to look very far for encouragement. I've found that my life and the world around me is a pretty hilarious and exciting place...even when things get frustrating. As long as I'm working hard and chasing the things that bring me happiness...

then this new Brian Bates will always have something wonderful to hold on to!

WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!