I Hate Full Moons

According to Wikipedia: Full moon is a lunar phase that occurs when the Moon is on the opposite side of the Earth from the Sun, and when the three celestial bodies are aligned as close as possible to a straight line.


I also learned under the "Characteristics" section that "david smith is cool", but that is neither here nor there. What Wikipedia fails to indicate is how the full moon affects how we sleep. One night a month, I can't frigging sleep and it's because of the damn moon!

I know there are tons of theories out there regarding how the moon affects everything. The moon affects the tides, affects The Mrs. monthly "friend", and could quite possible be made of green cheese. Instead of the full moon keeping me up because my body is made up of 70% water, why can't it be because I'm a Werewolf? Think of all the fun I could have...

What's Going On In The World?

The Nits informed me that there is a lot of happening in our weird and wacky world. Since I appreciate and value The Nits' opinion, I decided to poke around this "World Wide Web" and see what I may be missing. Of course, I'll give you MY two-cents, but you can decide for yourself if you really care.

1) Keifer Sutherland popped for DUI...AGAIN! - Ok, we all know Keifer likes his libations and often this leads to hiccups in judgement. For instance, how can we forget how when Sutherland was so blasted, he decided to Jack Bauer a Christmas tree. Oh, you missed that? Here you go!


2) Milton Bradley tears knee up, ending his season...While arguing! - Bradley is an overrated, controversial player, who even when he's playing nice still gets hosed. Some call it bad luck...I call it Karma - ain't it a bitch?


3) Swedish game show host RALPHS on air - This one makes complete sense. Obviously, Eva Nazemson (host) had a "Royale with Cheese" for lunch and just forgot to purge. It's Sweden! If this chick gains two pounds, she's replaced! She was just thinking of job security.

Summer Is Over?!?!?!?

I should have seen this coming. All the signs were there, and apparently I was in such denial that I just ho-hummed through September. Apparently Summer ENDED yesterday! You know, when the Patriot's picked up Randy Moss this past Spring, I was only joking about bypassing the Summer. Well, friends, my wish came true because the Summer is over and all I can do is shake my head and say, "What happened?"

I compiled a list of things that I conveniently ignored, that really would have softened this blow. I'm sure many of you noticed all these transitions and were fully prepared for another Summer's demise. I can only hope that before I find myself waking up to 12 inches of snow that I have to shovel, that ONE of you warns me about winter!

Top Ten Reason Why I Should Have Known Summer Was Over:
10) Women in the city are walking around in Uggs.
9) Brady to Moss...again, and again, and again, and it COUNTS!
8) I helped my father-in-law close up the pool.
7) It's fricking freezing in the morning.
6) A family of turkeys were frolicking in my backyard.
5) It's dark out by 6:30 pm.
4) There's an abundance of Octoberfest beers at the packy.
3) I've already purchased my Halloween costume.
2) Everyone I know is going apple picking.
1) My parent's asked me what our Thanksgiving plans were.

Happy Birthday - Lumbergh (aka Gary Cole) Is 51!

You can't deny that when you first saw "Office Space", you thought to yourself, "That Lumbergh guy...he's just like MY boss! Fucking Lumbergh!!!"

Aside from being one of my favorite movie characters to hate, Gary Cole is a prime example of one of those actors who you recognize in a million other movies. Only difference now is when you see him in a movie you say, "Hey, it's that Lumbergh guy!"

To the very few of you who've actually seen the updated "Brady Bunch" movies, Gary Cole played "Mike Brady". A better appearance of Mr. Cole would be as "Cotton McKnight", commentator for The Ocho in "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story". According to IMDB, he's been in a ton of other crap, but there was one credit that kind of stood out. Cole played "Doctor Heichman" in an Etan Cohen short called, "My Wife Is Retarded". If that title doesn't say it all. Of course, The Mrs. is certainly not retarded, but I'm sure there are plenty of husbands out there who suspect theirs are...RRRRRRiiiiiiiiight!

And yes, I'm working this Sunday.

No One Is Safe From OJ!

One of O.J.'s Alleged Victims Suffers Heart Attack

Posted Sep 18th 2007 9:33AM by TMZ

One of the memorabilia dealers who spoke to TMZ Friday about the alleged robbery incident involving O.J. Simpson in Vegas was hospitalized yesterday with chest pains. The Associated Press reported Bruce Fromong was transferred to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. CBS Radio reported Fromong's condition was much worse, and that his heart had stopped and had to be restarted.

I'm sure you all have heard that OJ has been in a little hot water. Unfortunately, I think OJ watched "Ocean's Eleven" one too many times. I'm not sure if the memorabilia that OJ was trying to retrieve was obtained lawfully or not, but Bruce Fromong should have known better not to mess with "The Juice". Having possession of any of OJ's stuff is worse than wearing a tiki you found at a construction site in downtown Hawaii.

Does OJ honestly have enough money left to weasel out of this one? Regardless, here's the lesson learned - Don't Mess With OJ! Put that tip right up there will all the ageless common-sense lessons. Even if he can't getcha, he'll still Getcha. I'm sure that deal he made with Lucifer had something to do with all this, and I fully expect OJ to be reincarnated as evil doll or something. Also, do I smell a book sequel - "If I Did It 2"???

Funny And Obscure Quote Of The Day

"They just jumped on us like a spider monkey," said Chargers fullback Lorenzo Neal.

No one can dispute that the NE Patriots laid a whoopin' on the San Diego Charges on Sunday night, but can anyone other than Lorenzo Neal compare it to being attacked by a spider monkey. The only person who may be able to make this comparison is Nia Simone Scott, but she was mauled by an escaped gorilla! I think a gorilla would do far more damage than a runaway spider monkey, and if you watched the game it looked more like King Kong blowing up Phillip Rivers and L.T.. I hope Neal continues the random animal metaphors. I'd love to hear, "We attacked them like rabid aardvarks!" or "Our defense is as solid as an Emu egg!" Maybe the Krafts should consider a team name change - Go New England Spider Monkeys!!!

May 2nd, 2008 - Mark Your Calendar!

Every year there are 2, maybe 3 movies that I HAVE to see in the theaters. With "Cloverfield(?)" and "The Dark Knight" already taking their spots, I'm MOST excited about this -

I'm Finally Back

I took the last few days off to help The Mrs. with her free event for kids in Q-Town. Basically, The GetFit Solution and the US Army teamed up to get kids outside and active. There was an obstacle course, a rock wall, music, whistles and yours truly posing as Q-TV cameraman. All-in-all it was a fun event for the kids and the parents.

The park where the event was taking place also had a skate park. Through all my hustle and bustle, I had a little exchange with one of the BMX bandits, who looked shockingly like "Chunk" from "The Goonies". I found this kid's responses witty, yet disturbing...I think this paints a pretty good picture of today's inactive youth.

"Chunk": Hey, you got any food over there?
Batesy: No, but we have a rock wall.
"Chunk": Yeah, what's up with the Army trying to recruit all the kids?
Batesy: They're not recruiting, they're partnering with my wife's company to promote fitness.
"Chunk": Yeah right, they want to send kids to Iraq. I know what they're up to. I'm not joining no Army.
Batesy: Then why not try the obstacle course, the rock wall and ignore the Army guys?
"Chunk": I don't want to get fit either.
Batesy: Well, we'll be here the next two days from 3 to 5, in case you change your mind.
"Chunk": Just bring some hot dogs and cheeseburgers tomorrow, and maybe I'll think about it.

Now, being ordered to cook for the fam is one thing (there are benefits to that), but when a little smart-alleck porker on his two-wheeled soapbox requests burgers just for being there, I draw the line. Watch this kid grow up to become a Senator or something. Damn kids!

It's Official - Certified Personal Trainer

The Mrs. finally got her results back from A.C.E. (American Council on Exercise) and she PASSED! I'd like to be the first just to say "Helluva job there, slugger"! The Mrs. logged in many, many hours studying and practicing to get to this point.

For any of you out there in need of some training the personal way, why don't you give The Mrs. a jingle. You can find all her contact information at The Get Fit Solution.

Ex-Patriot Punter Doesn't Put Up With Dad's Crap

Baugher pleads not guilty day after release by Pats - ESPN.com news services

The day after being cut by the New England Patriots, punter Danny Baugher is alleged to have turned his anger and frustration on his 54-year-old father.

Baugher, released by the team on Aug. 29, has been charged with assaulting his father, Erle, in a fast-food parking lot at 4 a.m. on Aug. 30, police said.

Police said Danny Baugher, 23, was drunk at the time and told them that he "was released by the New England Patriots [Aug. 29] and he was not handling it very well," according to a police report obtained by the Boston Herald.

I'm sure after being summoned to Coach Belichick's office, Baugher pretty much decided that he and his good buddy Jack Daniels would deal with him being released. I'm sure after some "alone time" (aka Huge Bender), Baugher would regroup and land himself on another roster - I'm mean he did boom a 70 yard punt. Then his father had to start laying on the crap. I can hear it now, "You're not good enough to be a Patriot - you wanna know why? Because you're a BUM! You'll always be a BUM!" Baugher just wanted to be wasted and eat his 4th Double Quarter Pounder with cheese at 4:00 a.m. and be left alone. I think "Dad" got off easy - instead of getting bashed in the face, Baugher could have punted his father nuts into his esophagus. We can only hope that all this legal b/s doesn't cause Baugher to pull a "Ray Finkle".

How Deep Can Someone Sleep?

Tuesday's commute home wasn't unlike any other. Red Line to Quincy Center where The Mrs. and Baby G are either waiting (or usually running 15 minutes late). Today though, when I got out of the station I noticed a small army of cops hanging around a car about 4 cars away from the Batesymobile. Thankfully, The Mrs. witnessed quite a chaotic scene involving a locked car and a potential dead guy.

Apparently, this guy's significant other just completed her commute expecting to find her ride ready to screw. Upon reaching the car, this woman discovers her man unresponsive, locked inside the vehicle. After a few feeble attempts to rouse the driver, she goes bonkers and starts screaming for any cops in the area. Since it's Quincy Center T Station, about 25 of Quincy's finest rush to her aid. After inspecting the scene, the fuzz decide the BEST course of action is to surround the car and start rapping their batons on every window. When this is unsuccessful at awakening the man, the woman starts wailing about how the man is dead. Completely baffled as to how to deal with the situation, the officers were rescued by a man parked next to The Mrs. who apparently never leaves home without his trusty hammer.

My initial thought was that these guys probably bashed the driver's side window, assuming that this stiff won't feel a thing. Smartly they broke a passenger side window, which to their surprise woke this gentleman right up. The guy was ALIVE!?!?!

Now I consider myself a pretty deep sleeper, but can this be for real? I mean, this dude had to been overdosing on some cheap Quincy heroin or downed a bottle of NyQuil (which essentially is the same thing). I guess some dudes just love their REM sleep. I'll never doubt one of those insane college photos of some idiot so blacked-out that all his "friends" have covered him in makeup, tampons and Sharpie written "I am gay" signs. I wonder if his car insurance has oversleeping coverage? This reminds me of one of my favorite Monty Python scenes!!!

Can He Say That???

I guess when you raise $63.8 MILLION dollars for Muscular Dystrophy you're allowed to call some kid an "Illiterate Faggot"? One more cocktail and Jerry Lewis would be having these kids fight it out Mike Vick style.