Who Is Going To Kick The Bucket First?

Contestant #1: Britney Spears - Age 25
- Enjoys getting sloppy drunk and marrying dirtbags.
- Smokes crazy amounts of cigarettes.
- Drives around with her infant son on her lap.
- Weapon of choice: Umbrellas.
- Feels the best way to get back in the public-eye is going commando while hitting the clubs in LA.
Conclusion: Trainwreck = YES! Death potential = moderately slim, ONLY because of her two kids...at least she has something to live for. Then again, Anna Nicole was also a redneck, who enjoyed indulging, but was a proud parent too...uh oh!

Contestant #2: Lindsay Lohan - Age 21
- After a prolonged stint in rehab and despite wearing an alcohol-monitoring bracelet, was arrested early Tuesday morning for DUI and possession of cocaine.
- LAPD say she's a big bitch when she's wasted.
- Loves riding the white pony and bragging about riding Hollywood celebs.
- Prior to rehab, frequently got blackout drunk and played bumper cars with other objects.
- Used to date Fez.
Conclusion: She's got two crazy parents, with her father just getting out of prison. Just days after getting out of rehab she's coke'd up and drunk. She's making prior troubled child stars (ie Macaulay Culkin, Drew Barrymore, etc) look like saints. She'll be lucky to see 25 years old.


Contestant #3: Nicole Ritchie - Age 25
- Enjoys getting stoned and downing Vicodins before driving the wrong direction down the highway.
- Claims that she does not have an eating disorder after going from pleasantly plump to weighing in at 75lbs in 6 months. (Maybe she took "Jimmy Tango's - Fat Busters" seriously)
- Drug of choice = Heroin.
- Spends all her adopted father's money. (She kind of reminds me of the fat chick from "Clueless", who also is now really skinny)
- Is constantly rumored to be pissing people off, whether it be boyfriends or girlfriends.
Conclusion: "We're going to party, Karamu, fiesta, forever...Come on and sing along! All night long!" Until Nicole adds "Hit 24-hour McDonald's for a Supersized Quarter Pounder meal" to the lyrics, she'll slowly waste away ala Karen Carpenter.


Contestant #4: Paris Hilton - Age 26
- Worth a bazillion, trillion, million dollars.
- Is an attention whore who doesn't care if it's on the red carpet or in a porno - just as long as the spotlight is on her.
- Despite being filthy rich, insists on driving herself everywhere instead of taking a limo - doesn't matter if she's hammered or with a suspended license.
- Honestly believes that she's above the law, and not in a Steven Seagal good way.
- Plays supporting roles in some unbelievably terrible movies.
Conclusion: She thinks her shit don't stink, but...she's so rich, she probably spent a couple mill to make every bowel movement smell like lavender. Plus, I don't fall for the dumb blond routine. She's going to live to be 125 years old...it's her kids we'll probably have to worry about.