What Is More Scary?

Scary in a GOOD way?

OR...

Scary in a BAD way?

Let us all be introduced to Jennifer Jackson, 38 or as she was once known, "Miss April 1989" in Playboy. Seems Ms. Jackson has had a couple run-in's with the Johnny-Police Officer. First, she got pinched in July for DUI and now raising hell at the trailer park. Won't these "Playmates" ever learn that all you have to do is throw Heff an occasional puff-job and he'll give you room/board in his mansion. Granted this broad was a "Playmate" 18 years ago, but I'm sure Heff had a state-of-the-art exercise facility as well as all the coke and booze you want to keep you looking somewhat decent.

To be honest with you, do you know what is REALLY scary. Not that a once pretty young girl, who had it all, fell from Heff's grace. It's who she currently squeezes into her bunny suit for - check out her boyfriend!

If Adam & Eve Taught Us Anything It's...

If you go messing around in the garden...


There are consequences for fraternizing with snakes!

HAPPY MONDAY!

We've Been Simpsonized!

With "The Simpson's Movie" coming out this week, there is a promotional website that allows you to upload a photo and turn yourself into a Simpson's character. Be honest, haven't you ever wondered how you would look "Simpsonized"? Actually, now that I look at my "Simpsonized" family, I'm starting to wonder how often the mailman used to deliver about 3 years ago??? Oh well, if you'd like to try this yourself, then here's the link - Simpsonize Me.

As an additional treat, I've "Simpsonized" one of the Usual Suspects. Lets see if you can figure out who this character REALLY is!

Now I've Seen Everything

A scuba diving cat?!?!? Being a cat lover, I really want to hate this guy for putting his cat through this, but the cat looks to actually like it. This guy must really be lonely if he's wishing that his dog and cat could enjoy hanging in the pool. Also, with all the swimming and scuba diving this cat is doing, you'd think it would be in better shape. I think this pussy needs The Get Fit Solution!

Who's The Bigger Substance Abuser?

My last post focused on young Hollywood starlets who can't seem to lay off "the sauce". Let us not forget some of the older substance abusers who may be past their prime, but can still tie one on with the best of em'. Today our contestants are both co-hosts of popular "talent" (I use that loosely) shows. Both made a name for themselves in the 80's, are extremely popular in Germany and currently excel at making asses out of themselves; especially when the camera is on them. YouTube should be sending these two royalty checks! Your choice's this week ARE:

OR...

I say they're both winners!!!

Who Is Going To Kick The Bucket First?

Contestant #1: Britney Spears - Age 25
- Enjoys getting sloppy drunk and marrying dirtbags.
- Smokes crazy amounts of cigarettes.
- Drives around with her infant son on her lap.
- Weapon of choice: Umbrellas.
- Feels the best way to get back in the public-eye is going commando while hitting the clubs in LA.
Conclusion: Trainwreck = YES! Death potential = moderately slim, ONLY because of her two kids...at least she has something to live for. Then again, Anna Nicole was also a redneck, who enjoyed indulging, but was a proud parent too...uh oh!

Contestant #2: Lindsay Lohan - Age 21
- After a prolonged stint in rehab and despite wearing an alcohol-monitoring bracelet, was arrested early Tuesday morning for DUI and possession of cocaine.
- LAPD say she's a big bitch when she's wasted.
- Loves riding the white pony and bragging about riding Hollywood celebs.
- Prior to rehab, frequently got blackout drunk and played bumper cars with other objects.
- Used to date Fez.
Conclusion: She's got two crazy parents, with her father just getting out of prison. Just days after getting out of rehab she's coke'd up and drunk. She's making prior troubled child stars (ie Macaulay Culkin, Drew Barrymore, etc) look like saints. She'll be lucky to see 25 years old.


Contestant #3: Nicole Ritchie - Age 25
- Enjoys getting stoned and downing Vicodins before driving the wrong direction down the highway.
- Claims that she does not have an eating disorder after going from pleasantly plump to weighing in at 75lbs in 6 months. (Maybe she took "Jimmy Tango's - Fat Busters" seriously)
- Drug of choice = Heroin.
- Spends all her adopted father's money. (She kind of reminds me of the fat chick from "Clueless", who also is now really skinny)
- Is constantly rumored to be pissing people off, whether it be boyfriends or girlfriends.
Conclusion: "We're going to party, Karamu, fiesta, forever...Come on and sing along! All night long!" Until Nicole adds "Hit 24-hour McDonald's for a Supersized Quarter Pounder meal" to the lyrics, she'll slowly waste away ala Karen Carpenter.


Contestant #4: Paris Hilton - Age 26
- Worth a bazillion, trillion, million dollars.
- Is an attention whore who doesn't care if it's on the red carpet or in a porno - just as long as the spotlight is on her.
- Despite being filthy rich, insists on driving herself everywhere instead of taking a limo - doesn't matter if she's hammered or with a suspended license.
- Honestly believes that she's above the law, and not in a Steven Seagal good way.
- Plays supporting roles in some unbelievably terrible movies.
Conclusion: She thinks her shit don't stink, but...she's so rich, she probably spent a couple mill to make every bowel movement smell like lavender. Plus, I don't fall for the dumb blond routine. She's going to live to be 125 years old...it's her kids we'll probably have to worry about.

I'm Cool With It

Do we REALLY care if Tom Brady is a Yankee's fan? Once again he is caught in NYC wearing a Yankee's lid and it seems to be big news. I'd like to make some lame excuse like that he only wears the hat so he doesn't get shit on by every New Yorker he saunters by. Unfortunately, he's publicly said that he's a Yankee's fan, but to be honest, I could care less. I could care less that he knocked up the chick from "Coyote Ugly", dumped her ass to bang Gisele, wears Movado watches or even supports G-Dub's political policies. All I want out of Tom Brady are bombs to Randy Moss, perfect out-passes to Wes Welker for 1st downs and the leadership qualities we've all come to know and love. I used to refuse to even consider purchasing a Brady jersey, because I hate bandwagons. That held true until 10/30/06, when a Minnesota Vikings team and their staunch defense was going to force Brady to win with his "sub par" receivers. Brady went out like this - 372 yards and 4 TD's for a Patriots 31-7 win. I sat alone in my living room that day, 8 Twisted Teas deep, and proclaimed OUT LOUD that I would wear a Brady jersey proudly...if I actually had the money to afford one. I believe Brady had a moment similar that involved the Yankees minus the Teas, so if he's proud to represent then let him represent. Instead of seeing this as a irresponsible lack of judgement, why don't we just let this one go? There is really only one logo we care about on top of that head and despite what we like to believe around here, Tom Brady is only human.

Creepy Or Brilliant?

I really can't tell if this video is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen or an incredible display of creativity and skill that I will never possess...probably both. What do you think?

9th Wonder Of The World

Just another day at the office. Nothing unusual about today. 1:00 comes around and just like every other day, and I'm off to the gym. About 5 minutes into my walk, my whole day seems a bit different. As I am walking head-down listening to my iPod, I find myself looking up at something that resembles this:

I am now walking directly behind what appears to be a 6'5", 225lb woman with more peaks and valleys in her back than the Appalachian Mountains. Oddly enough, she too was heading for The Vitamin Shop, and went directly to the "horse-pill" section of the store. My immediate reaction was "that has to be a dude...a BIG dude!" Upon further inspection, as I am now creeping around the store trying to count how many defined muscles were visible (I got up to 286), I determined that it was actually female. After she purchased her bottle of condensed bull testosterone and was far away from the vicinity, I asked the store owner about the prior customer. He asked, "Oh, you saw her? She's getting ready for a big competition." DID I SEE HER??? This was like going to 7-11 and watching as a Sasquatch comes in, buys one of those hot dogs on the rollers and a pack of Parliaments. As I finally made my way to the gym to lift a fraction of what this woman could probably lift with one finger, I kind of felt bad for her. Sure, she's super-jacked, a well-known competitor, but also probably the most lonely woman in the world. I mean honestly, who would want to wake up next to THIS:

What Is More Scary?

Or...


Seeing as I've actually met Tyson, I can genuinely say that this is a trick question...ANY Tyson is a scary Tyson - I'm talking about off the charts! He almost bit Drunkle Jon's head off!

Birthday Of The Day - Guess Who's 35?

Everyone's favorite "Corey" and star of such classics as "Stand By Me", "The Goonies" and "The Burbs".

Corey will be also staring in an upcoming A&E reality show - "The Two Coreys" (http://www.aetv.com/the-two-coreys/), which I firmly believe will be about Feldman's love of strippers and Haim's love of heroin. I'm sure once the show premieres July 29th, YouTube will be flooded with more classic Corey moments such as this:

Got To Love Mr. Pink!

There are few actors who can pull off looking legitimately scared of Don Johnson in his pastel sports coat...with the sleeves rolled up. What makes this performance classic is the fear-of-god look in his eyes when Willie Nelson shows how strong his pimp-hand is. I would think this had daytime Emmy written all over it:

Steve Buscemi also played "Tony Bologna" in one of my favorite SNL sketches. "Prom of Doom" had a little of everything - Buscemi as a creepy janitor, Will Ferrell as a goth keyboardist obsessed with Celine Dion, Jim Breuer as an older brother looking for Rolling Rock with his slut girlfriend (Cheri Oteri).

He may not be at Christopher Walken status, but he's damn close.

Guess What Today Is???

VAN DAMME FRIDAY!!!

You can't believe your eyes, but it's really VAN DAMME FRIDAY!

Don't be afraid to cut a little rug, because it's VAN DAMME FRIDAY!

Not excited about VAN DAMME FRIDAY? Well, the muscles from Brussels has a little something for YOU!

Mr. Butch And His Vespa

There are rumors about this guy's death after he was involved in an accident while riding his Vespa. No word on the condition of the Vespa. Hopefully the rumors are false, because I've got to believe that YouTube was created for videos like this.

Godspeed Mr. Butch!

The Missing Piece Of The Puzzle

Sweat, then sip
Martini Workout mixes exercising with socializing at the InterContinental Hotel
By Linda Laban, Globe Correspondent July 12, 2007

The Martini Workout sounds like the perfect exercise class for those who'd rather perch on a barstool than lie prone and sweating on a yoga mat. Lift and sip, and lift and sip, right?

The creator of the Martini Workout, Jessica Athas, is actually a big believer in working out. But the Leather District denizen isn't above enjoying a little reward after all that labor. So Athas' s hour-long class, held at the InterContinental Hotel's fitness center, is followed by a cocktail -- a martini, to be exact.

Although The Mrs. only reads my blog when I force her to, this is one she may want to make note of. For the past 4+ months, The Mrs. has been working diligently to get her company - The Get Fit Solution - off the ground. The company's name implies exactly what it's all about; a solution to get fit. Since there is no shortage of fat people in this country, you would think that The Mrs. would just have to pass a couple business cards out, shake a couple hands and the money would come rolling in. Unfortunately, feeling and being healthy just isn't enough anymore.

People need an added reward to get motivated. Nowadays, what motivates people more than booze? I could walk up to almost anyone in the Greater Boston area, offer them a Grey Goose martini in return for 25 push-ups and you'll see them turn into Richard Simmons. After a tough workout, you need to replenish fluids, right? Why not quench that thirst with some Jack Daniels? "But Batesy, doesn't alcohol dehydrate the body?" Screw you, Einstein! To quote the great Mama Fratelli from "The Goonies", "It's wet ain't it?"

Since every great idea is stolen, I propose that The Get Fit Solution offer some type of libation reward to entice potential customers. You could make a reward scale, so that the more work you put in, then the better drink you get. Not giving 100% - here's your White Wine Spritzer. Worked up a nice sweat - salt or no salt with your margarita? Worked out so hard that you're sore for a week - enjoy this chocolate martini while you recover.

All I'm saying is that we joke about 12 ounce curls...why not make part of the program? If anything, there are more booze-bags out there than fat people. Plus, think of how good you'll look with beer goggles on.

1-18-08

In case you haven't heard, there is a lot of hype regarding January 18th, 2008. This is because of a 2 minute clip/teaser shown before the "Transformers" film. Apparently J.J. Abrams, producer of "Lost", is coming out with a movie. In true "Lost" fashion, the clip shows something but reveals nothing. The premise appears to be like any other action movie teaser trailer - Hunky-Dory one second and people running from fireballs the next. What makes this clip so affective though is the same reason why "The Blair Witch Project" got so much hype - it feels real and forces you to want to know more. We HATE not knowing what's happening! I can guarantee there are thousands of hacker-nerds codenamed "Floppy Disk", "Ctrl-Alt-Delete" and "Wireless Mouse" vying to be the first to uncover this mystery. Much of the speculation seems to revolve around obvious choices - Godzilla or Voltron. As much as I'd love to see a Voltron movie, I wouldn't put it past Abrams to be making a live-action "Care Bears" movie. I mean, he does seem to like to f*ck with people. Even when you go to the "movies" website (http://www.1-18-08.com/), which contains only two pictures, can you see a weird creature between the two women? What the hell is that??? Well, without further ado...check out the trailer and judge for yourself:

What Is More Scary?

OR...

You Know You're Getting Old When...

You remember this (which aired in 1986 - I was 10 years old):

I actually don't know what's worse - actually remembering running to the TV whenever this show was on or noticing that Alanis Morissette was pretty damn young...but NOW seems so old. Come to find out that Alanis Morissette was born June 1st, 1974...that would make her just two years old than I.

CRAP!

Thankfully, there are exceptions - Remember "Kids Incorporated"? Look who is one year older than yours truly:

OH, you don't know who I'm talking about? Maybe this will help:

Birthday Of The Day - Guess Who's 60?

Everyone's favorite running back and co-star of the "Naked Gun" movies...Oh, and the guy who "may" have murdered his ex-wife and her lover:

As an added BONUS, for your viewing pleasure, I offer you a satirical take on OJ using the visual brilliance of "The Simpsons".

The New Scent For Summer - By Yankee Candle

Here's An Idea If You Are Bored This Weekend:

4th of July Parfait Adventure

For The Mrs. 30th birthday, I decided a refreshing 4th of July Parfait would the perfect accompaniment to hockey-puck burgers and hot-beef injections. Determined to make the 4th of July Parfait as fresh as possible, I didn't need much motivation.

After a brief jaunt down Route 18, I found myself at C.N. Smith Farm located in East Bridgewater (http://www.cnsmithfarminc.com/). Since this was the final day of strawberry picking, I knew selection was going to be sparse. After a tutorial from the sister's, cousin's, second-niece's, aunt's daughter on proper strawberry picking technique, I hit the open field.

After about an hour and a half, I had collected roughly 7 pounds of strawberries. This was MORE than enough to make my 4th of July Parfait. My only concern now was TICKS! I figured that I came in contact with hundreds of creepy crawlies while strawberry hunting. If I were to get bit by a radioactive spider, that's one thing, but Lyme Disease??? Hell No! As I emerged from the strawberry fields, I started to notice something creeping on my back - OH NO:

Whew...it's only Baby G! You're hero lives another day...until blueberry season opens in two weeks!

Think Before You Brush!

Massachusetts public-health authorities announced today that they have discovered tubes of toothpaste that may contain a dangerous chemical on store shelves in Boston and 11 other cities and towns.

The discovery comes as federal regulators report that some toothpaste made in China and elsewhere abroad contains diethylene glycol, a substance used in antifreeze. Long-term exposure to the chemical can cause kidney and liver problems.

The state Department of Public Health urged consumers not to use toothpaste falling into these categories:

-- If it is labeled "Made in China." The US Food and Drug Administration has identified a variety of brands made in China, including Cooldent, Dr. Cool, Everfresh Toothpaste, Superdent, and Oral Bright.

-- If is labeled as "Colgate" that is made in South Africa. Colgate officials have said their company does not import toothpaste from South Africa. The warning from health authorities does not apply to Colgate toothpaste made in the United States.

-- If the labeling is not in English.

Well thankfully I read this before I bought a new tube of toothpaste. I'm actually a Crest guy, myself. Even if it didn't have Anti-freeze in it, I still don't think I'd trust a brand named Dr. Cool or Superdent. I also enjoy how Colgate is using the "Deny Everything" tactic. Plus, I don't think I need any help in the old damaging my kidney and/or liver department. After The Mrs. 30th birthday outing yesterday, my waste-processing organs are on sabbatical.

I hope once you read this, that you saunter over to the medicine cabinet to ensure that you aren't slowly killing yourself. If you are using tainted toothpaste, I think it's time to spend that extra dollar for the non-lethal brands - you cheap bastard. Don't let this happen to YOU!

Before:

After:

I Apologize For "User"?!?!

This douche decided to remove the tremendous video of the retarded kid singing/butchering the National Anthem. I only hope and pray that we can find this footage again. I know this pales in comparison to the video, but here's the DAMN monkey throwing out the first pitch:

What Happens In The Boro, Stays In The Boro!

Middleborough officials, facing criticism from residents that their tentative deal with the Mashpee Wampanoag Indian tribe failed to bring enough money to town coffers, are now demanding that the tribe pay at least $250 million for new roads and utilities, and a percentage of the casino's annual slot machine revenues --which is significantly more than the proposal that first floated last month.

If you haven't heard, there has been negotiations regarding the construction of a casino in Middleborough. Since some of The Usual Suspects used to reside in "The Boro", I know first-hand that Middleborough is big in size, but with a old-time, small town feel. Are the resident's scared that a casino will turn their "small community" into "sin city"? Are all the hookers strutting their cankles around the Taunton Green going to migrate over to "The Boro Strip"? I would think that Middleborough would want to be known as something more than a piss-stop on the way to the Cape. I recently saw a virtual-reality image of the proposed casino, and I think it shows a lot of promise:

Slots, poker, craps, beer, box-o-wine, tampons, diapers, NyQuil, car wash and McDonald's!!! This place would have it all. I could totally see myself driving to Taunton to pick up rent, heading down Route 44 a bit and finding myself doubling The Tenant's money. I could even bring Baby G, so she can take a ride on the green brontosaurus! Come on Middleborough - stop being money-grubbing playa-haters and let the Injuns build their little casino. Now if only they could recruit Don Rickles to be a Pit Boss...

Ticket To Hell Already Punched...

Watching the start of the Red Sox game Saturday night, what happened in my living room was the perfect example of "calm before the storm". While patiently waiting to see a MONKEY throw out the 1st pitch, we were witness to the most bizarre and hilarious spectacle. Apparently, it was "Disability Day" at Fenway, and some genius thought it would be good P.R. to have a retarded kid sing the National Anthem. "Calm" was our complete silent, jaw-opened disbelief at what we were witnessing and "storm" being the roar of uncontrollable laughter that made the cat run for cover. If you haven't seen it and you would like to join us in the bowels of the underworld...ENJOY!

Move Over Golden Tee!

I never thought I would utter these words about any game, but Bags is more fun than Golden Tee. If I'm up at the Sons with a couple hours to kill, $10 to spend, and a couple salty Italians to yuck it up with, then Golden Tee is perfect. Bags (or Cornhole, as I found it's also called) is just perfect for you, your significant other and anyone else you're getting sauced with at the local townie bar.

The concept is easy - throw bag near or in hole...The cost is cheap - $2 for a 6 inning match...It's fast-paced - maybe 15 minutes for a 4-person match...And you're whole entourage can partake in the fun...Finally - isn't it fun just to say the word Bags?

Yes, same could be said for Naked Lady Photomatch, but aside from the hot naked chicks, you risk losing an eye from all the flying fingers and it's just damn frustrating when you can't find the differences. If your local watering-hole does not offer Bags, then DEMAND it. If it does, prepare to kiss your kid's college fund bye-bye! Check out the video below for a snippet of Bags.