Vintage 80's Commercial/PSA

Those Mormons had a nice run of memorable commercials in the 80's. They also had the foresight to cast a pre-Michael Jackson, pre-Silver Spoons, pre-Carlton from Fresh Prince, Alfonso Ribeiro as the inner-city hoodlum with a affinity for show-tunes. The Mormons though must have thought the folks in the 80's were pretty morally corrupt though...all their Public Service Announcements were about telling the truth. Now people in the 80's might have been coke-loving, John Hughes (R.I.P.) watching, Wang-Chunging, fashion-misfits, but it's pretty harsh to assume they were all liars. How come we didn't see any P.S.A. commercials regarding polygamy? Apparently, it's okay to keep a harem of women holed up in your Utah cabin, but you're going to hell if you take off running because your paper route isn't going to cover the costs of some geezers broken window. Thankfully, Alfonso saw the light and decided to live the REAL American dream - Big Macs and monogamous underage relationships!

Virtual Road Rage Solution?

This almost makes me want to get an iPhone. Knowing myself though I'd totally abuse this iPhone application. I'd be whipping it out on the Red Line, in the office, at my grandmother's 85 birthday party...I'd be virtually killing everyone.

Greatest Picture Of All Time?

I want this picture framed and hanging in Leo's room for the next 18 years! No wonder Wilt the Stilt bedded all those women...look at the company he keeps and check out those fancy duds.

What Do Larry Bird's Jersey & Yours Truly Have In Common?

The number 33. I'm actually finding it hard to believe that I'm this old. I look at old pictures of my uncles and they look more like "adults" at 28 than I do at 33. They say that our 30's are the NEW 20's. I guess that despite my age, I still actually feel young. Hell, I've been married almost 7 years, I have two pissah kids (one of which is 4), so I should look and feel like a walking corpse at 33 right? It's quite the opposite, which I suppose comes with it's drawbacks. The Mrs. seems to get quite annoyed when I'm rough-housing with the G or throwing myself all over the soccer pitch, only to come home battered and bruised. It's not even like I'm trying to hold onto any fleeting moments of irresponsible youth. I KNOW I can't hang like I used to. I've got 2 jobs to maintain, 2 kids to entertain and the damn grass isn't gonna cut itself.

This makes me wonder how I'm going to feel at 40...or 50...or 60? My grandparents are in their 80's kicking it in Florida, playing golf everyday. I can do that! Bottom line is that life is moving at break-neck speed and I'm enjoying the ride. I see too many miserable people, living miserable lives and you know what happens...they have a heart attack, then sayonara. Fuck That! I feel just fine that I still get carded...for scratch tickets. I'm glad I bust my ass to stay in shape...yes, that means extra chest. I know Death doesn't discriminate, but I'm not going to make it easy. My other grandmother (not the one in Florida) has smoked cigarettes and drank everyday for the last 60 or so years and she's not slowing down at 85. Based on my figures, I should at least clear the century mark and that's still 67 years away.

So Happy Birthday to me and "Thanks" to my friends for all my birthday wishes. The way I see it, I'm like a fine wine (not the type that comes in a box - although it's still delicious!), I'm only getting better with age. In fact, you look into a crystal ball 67 years from now and this is what you'll see:

The Gun Show Still Going Strong!

What Is More Scary???

Heath Ledger as The Joker


OR...

Christian Bale as The Joker???


Apparently, Mr. Bale has emaciated himself to play Dicky Eklund in Marky Mark's upcoming film, "The Fighter". It seems that Dicky Eklund fancies the crack and meth...who would have thought of someone who was known as "The Pride of Lowell"?

90's Sitcom Supporting Character Chick

So last night The Mrs. and I are settling down for some Box-O and T.V. before bed. Apparently, after "Hell's Kitchen" there is officially nothing on, unless you want to watch Fox's newest reality show "More To Love". On a side note to the "More To Love" producers - I know pleasantly plump men and women deserve love too, but do we really need a show that's a cross between Rock-of-Love and the Biggest Loser. Of the 20 women "contestants", none of which weighed less than 250lbs, 18 of them made out with lonely chubby guy in the first episode. Come on...this guy obviously isn't Bret Michaels... not even the Bret Michaels of fat guys!

The Mrs. decided upon a show called "The Dish". "The Dish" is basically "Talk Soup" without as much funny commentary from the host/hostess. The hostess of "The Dish" started our late night controversy. Immediately upon seeing the hostess, I stated, "Hey! That's Topanga from "Boy Meets World!" To which The Mrs. replied, "Yeah and she was the best friend on "Blossom." HOLD THE PHONE! Despite my desperate pleas that these were completely different actresses, The Mrs. wouldn't back down. It must be a female thing, but when you're a mid-teen male in the 90's, you know the difference between Danielle Fishel's "Topanga" and Jenna Von Oy's "Six LeMeure". Normally with The Mrs. I would silently agree to disagree, but such a transgression can not be ignored. My only other guess is because of the interesting character names that they get lumped together, but come on these are clearly different women, right???

SIX (90's Version and Current Version):

TOPANGA (90's Version and Current Version):

Amusement Park Legacy

This upcoming weekend I'm taking The Fam on a road trip. We're waking up early on Saturday, packing up the Mariner and heading North. Our traditional summer weekend jaunt down to the polo matches in Portsmouth, RI has been replaced with The White Mountains of New Hampshire. We're going to brave the Kangamangus Highway. We're going to risk run-in's with wild moose, deer or hippies on their way to Saco River. Yes, we're taking the kids to Storyland.

To be honest, I didn't even know what the hell Storyland was up until a couple years ago. You see, when I was a youth, we didn't have to travel such a perilous journey to indulge and Pre-K fun. All anyone on the South Shore had to do in the early 80's is just jump on good-ole' Route 18 and head down to Whitman. There you would find KING'S CASTLE LAND!

Apparently in an age before trademark infringement, King's Castle Land was the one place a kid could go to hang with Yogi Bear, the 7 dwarfs, King Kong, Frankenstein, the 3 Little Pigs, Alfred E. Newman and a slew of other Disney, Hanna Barbera, random licensed characters. Thinking back, I'm sure at any point one of the "rides" could have lost a bolt and sent a child plummeting to their death, but I think that added to the adventure. There were fire-breathing dragons and Paul Bunyan...it was a complete mish-mash of crap the owners believed would keep the kids coming...and we did. To top it all off, instead of a chincy gift shop, King's Castle Land had a full blown toy store that put Child World to shame.

Now that the G is 4.25 years old, it is her turn to experience the rite of passage that is out-dated cheap amusement park fun. Unfortunately for King's Castle Land, it was closed and torn down starting around 1994...now it's a Super Stop & Shop complete with gas pumps (I cringe every time I fill up the car there). Hopefully she is old enough where she'll retain the memories that surely will come from this trip. Maybe one day, when G has children of her own and I am living out the good life in Florida minus the Mrs. (god rest her soul), she'll be able to partake in such an expedition. I also assume that by then The Disney Corporation will have finally taken over the United States and the Shore Shore Plaza will be replaced with Disney New England. I actually started a savings account for the entrance fee. I figure by then that a family of four can get into the park for roughly $3,500.

Can This Possibly Be Real?

Note To All The Superfriends: You know when I said that I'd take a bullet for you...well, I didn't mention anything about an arrow.

This can't be real, right? I know folks in the US are pretty conservative compared to other countries. I mean, for the most part our women shave their legs and armpits. The men have the courtesy of NOT wearing a speedo at the beach. I think this goes way beyond any cultural differences we have with other countries. If someone suggested doing a stunt like this on "America's Got Talent" it would definitely be shot down right (no pun intended)? If it is real, then these guys MUST have had some cocktails before the audition to calm the nerves. How about arrow-shooter-guy continuing to aim to his victim when he went to get the can off the desk? You're telling me the shooter is so focused that his fingers couldn't slip and nail that blond chick right between her hairy pits?

Facial Tattoo Leads To Arrest

TAMPA - It wasn't particularly hard for the victims of a Riverview home invasion to identify the burglar. He was the only one with an outline of the state of Florida tattooed on his face, authorities say.

In addition to the Florida tattoo, Sean Roberts also has the words "Crazy Cracker" written or tattooed on his head, Hillsborough County sheriff's spokesman J.D. Callaway said.

There was a time when the Mrs. desperately wanted to move to Florida. We had just returned from a week-long vacation at my parent's home in Fort Pierce, and I think the climate change caused her to snap. In some respects I don't blame her. Snow sucks, shoveling snow blows, and raking leaves...well, I don't rake leaves; they don't keep me from getting places.

The thing the Mrs. failed to realize is that living in Florida is WAY different than visiting Florida, unless you are my grandparents who golf everyday. Florida is the state you go to when you just say fuck it all. Floridians are either retired transplants or potential criminals. Take "Crazy Cracker" for instance. He wouldn't be able to hack Massachusetts living. If he tried to rob anyone 12 years or older from the Greater Boston Area, his ass would get a beatdown. He probably wouldn't even make it out of Logan without getting his ass whupped for tattooing Florida on his face. In fact, I bet this would be the kid to do it...


Now I'm no criminal mastermind, but maybe "Crazy Cracker" would be a better burgler if he spent a winter up here shoveling my driveway. At the very least he'd learn what a ski mask was.

You Make My Dreams Come True!

I'm probably the last person who has heard of the internet phenomenon that is Keyboard Cat, but I have to say that I can't get enough. Perhaps it's because I'm a cat lover. Googling Keyboard Cat will pull up thousands of hits, mostly containing video blunders that result in Keyboard Cat's mocking tune. The mash-up above of Keyboard Cat/Hall & Oates takes it to a new level. Keyboard Cat is the missing link to that 80's pop duo. Don't get me wrong, Hall & Oates were no schlubs, but imagine how many more records they would have sold if Keyboard Cat was a full-time contributor.

Speaking of mash-up's...I happen to be fan. I enjoy watching how someone interprets seemly opposite things and creates something fun and new. Have you seen "The Shining" made out to be a fun family film? Gold! I have to admit though, this latest mash-up I've stumbled upon kind of creeps me out. I'm not sure if it's from Rick Astley's dance moves or the fact that the two songs work so well together. I'll let you be the judge...

Stop...Vader Time!

Damn! Darth Vader has got some moves. I would have thought being a cyborg would have some drawbacks in the getting-down department. He must use some serious WD-40 on those joints. Also, he must be using some Jedi mind trick on the Stormtroopers. Everyone knows that Stormtroopers are a bunch of cloned buffoons who can't stay keep out of each other's way, let alone inanimate objects.

The fact that Vader is such a big M.C. Hammer fan makes complete sense. Hammer has got Dark Side written all over him and his rise/fall is eerily similar to the rise/fall of the Empire.

Peanuts! Get Ya Peanuts Here!

There was an old SNL sketch involving Mike Myers called "Coffee Talk with Linda Richman". Every episode while "Linda" was busy being "verklempt", she would give the audience a topic to discuss. My personal favorite? "A peanut is neither a pea nor a nut...Discuss."

To some this statement may seem riduculous; of course a peanut is a nut. That's what the peanut WANTS you to believe. In fact, a peanut is actually a legume. Another fun fact about a legume, or in this case a peanut, is that it's considered a fruit. "Like hell", you say, but it's true. That PB & J you had for lunch? Fruit on fruit...that's double the fruit! Not to mention that peanuts pack in tons of protein, amino acids and Omega-3's. Think about that next time your at a Sox game. You can eat all the peanuts you want and when some dude says, "Hey, that's your 4th bag of peanuts!" You can tell him, "Have another hot dog, fatty! I'm eating some fruit to support a healthy diet." Just make sure he doesn't see the 8 empty beer cups at your feet.

So why all this information regarding peanuts? Well, anyone who knows THIS guy, knows that I freaking love peanuts. Even at a early age I would eat the MOST peanuts; shell and all. "What? You eat the shell?!?" Damn skippy (get it?)! I wouldn't eat the shells alone, but there's something delicious about the shell matched with the peanuts. I like to think that's it's upping my fiber intake...you can never get enough fiber. Now with any addiction there comes some pesky obstacles that may or may not get you into some hot-water...one of which inspired this blog.

1) They're messy - Most normal people crack the shell open and eat the inner peanuts. Cracking the the shell and disposing of the shell can create quite a mess. Check out the floor next time you go to the Texas Roadhouse...those aren't cockroaches under every step you take.

2) Peanut allergies can KILL YOU - I thought that peanut love was heredity, so when I gave (2-month old) Leo a little taste of peanut butter, I was flabbergasted at the scolding a received from The Mrs. Thus, peanut addicts with peanut allegies tend to have short life-spans.

3) Peanuts are easily contaminated - One word: Salmonella! If you got all day to hang out on the crapper with chills and diarrhea, then grab a 5lb bag of expired peanuts and dig in!

Normally, I pretty much in the clear when it comes to the above three obstacles. I eat a lot of shells, eliminating most of the mess, I'm not dead yet, and I check the date on the bag of peanuts that I'm consuming. If a bad nut sneaks in, well that's out of my control and I'll fully accept the gut-wrenching mess that's to come. So, when I come into work today and see that someone has left me what APPEARS to be a delicious bag of Bazzini's Fresh Roasted Peanuts, I'm immediately suspicious. One quick check of the expiration dates shows "April 21, 2009"...almost 3 months past due! Is it obvious to you now what has prompted this blog???

Someone is trying to kill me...or at the very least, cause me severe digestive discomfort. Curse you phantom peanut person! You shall rue the day you attempted to poison me with tainted peanuts...Forbidden Fruit, if you will!

JOWLS!

I'm sure The Nits will appreciate this.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

I'm Back!

We'll thank Mr. Perrone for the inspiration. Bottom line is that I'm always complaining when someone else doesn't update their blog, yet it's been almost 2 years since I've updated mine. Well today I'm going to stop being a hypocrite...until the novelty wears off again.

Here's a quick rundown of the last (almost) two years. I owned a house, rented the house, lost the house...it happened, I feel shitty about it, I learned a valuable lesson about it: Don't make hasty decisions without REALLY considering consequences.

I got promoted at the firm! I'm fortunate to work in a positive environment, with positive people. I'd tell you about what I do, but right now I'm the only one who does it for all 13 offices and I like that type of job security. I'd tell you, you'd tell your friends and everyone would know how to do my job. Pretty soon I'd be replaced with a monkey. I have a secondary job - Tennessee's BBQ (in Braintree). True story, we've converted vegans back to carnivores...the food is THAT good!

I knocked up the Mrs...First try...My guys don't mess around...That's why I have to get fixed.


I can't be sad though, because the Mrs. and I welcomed Leo William on May 11th. I forget what generation I am, 12th, 14th (it's up there) and all thanks to yours truly we're keeping the B-Train rolling! The little guy has been added to the cast of characters, and shall now be a reoccurring blog feature. He's sleeping through the night, smiles, yells when he's hungry and is getting pretty good at dodging the G's flying knees, elbows, headbutts; among other things.



Other than that, all the Superfriends are intact. Some are homeowners, some are living together, some are engaged, some have new additions (dogs) and all doing their thing. Our lovely New England weather has put a damper on some social outings the summer usually provides, but hopefully we'll all get together soon...Beach anyone?



My goal is going to be a blog per day. Could be big, could be small, but it's better than nothing. I'm going to have to ask Mr. Perrone how he finagled a survey, because I've got loads of questions I'd like to get your opinions on. My hope is that everyone makes a point to check back daily to see what I conjure up. Let the good time roll!

Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Festivus, etc

As the holidays rapidly approach, I hope everyone is relatively safe. I only say relatively, because family holiday parties can be awful treacherous. Since we've been bombarded with holiday programing and movies, my thoughts go to some of my favorite holiday movie moments. Hopefully this collection of clips gets you in the holiday spirit.







Added Holiday Bonus - Who Do You Call In Case Of Emergency?

Teeth - The Movie

When I first heard about this movie I was convinced that it was a joke. I've seen some pretty crazy stuff in movies, but this might be over the line...even for me! "Psycho" freaked people out about the shower. I can understand that "Jaws" did wonders for the pool business. "The Blair Witch Project", I'm sure, made people think twice about the random sounds you hear while camping. But a vagina with teeth?!?!?

Not only is this film real...it kicked ass at the Sundance Film Festival. I know one thing, I never want to see this movie...I'm not one bit curious. But, for all you freaks out there who are into movies about the female anatomy biting off random dude's junk, then check your local listings for a theater near you...and NEVER speak to me again.

http://www.teethmovie.com/

R.I.P.

I'm really sick right now. I don't want to go into details, but my body is releasing goop. Lots of goop. Despite my illness, I've been waiting for this.

If there ever was someone who embodied, "I know I was born...I know I'll die...In between is MINE!", it's this guy. Evel, wherever you are I hope you're giving it as much hell as you did life on Earth. You're an icon, you're a legend, you'll always be remembered.

Too Good NOT To Pass Along...

I know, I know. I've been slacking on the blogging, and you're all getting pissed. I've been putting in the OT at my other jobs, so that I'm not cheaping out on Christmas this year. I'm never going to live down the Britta I gave my mother two years ago. Speaking of the holidays, I came across the news story and thought the subject matter was just too good not to pass along:

Santas warned 'ho ho ho' offensive to women
Wed Nov 14, 11:04 PM ET
Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday.

Sydney's Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha" instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.

One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use "ho ho ho" because it could frighten children and was too close to "ho", a US slang term for prostitute.

Do Australian's think that our country is run my Isiah Thomas or something? You know political correctness is getting annoying when censoring a fictional fat guy. What's next? Radio stations will be banned from playing "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus", because it insinuates infidelity? Maybe "Daddy" was killed in a random hunting accident and "Mommy" needed comfort?

Now, if Santa starts leaving pictures like these in your kid's stockings, then maybe you should start to worry.

R.I.P. - Robert Goulet

Robert Goulet, `Camelot' Star, Dapper Singer, Dead at Age 73
Oct. 31 (Bloomberg) -- Robert Goulet, the singer whose rich baritone voice and classic tall, dark, dashing good looks made him a star on stage and television, has died. He was 73.
Goulet suffered from a rare form of pulmonary fibrosis, a progressive and fatal condition. He was being treated at Cedars- Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles and was awaiting a lung transplant when he died yesterday, the Associated Press reported.

Waiting for a lung??? I hate waiting in line for a smoothie, so waiting for a lung would probably send me on a murderous rampage...that is if I could breathe without a tube down my throat. As a tribute to the late, great Robert Goulet, I'm attaching a video of Will Ferrell perfectly capturing the ultimate essence of Mr. Goulet. Moment of silence..............Done. (Disclaimer - this video may contain language that is considered offensive, but understand that Mr. Ferrell is in character and should not be considered racist. It is unconfirmed whether or not Mr. Goulet was racist, but he's dead now, so who cares.)

What Came First - The Millionaire Or The Pothead?

I don't mind people who smoke weed. I don't mind people who do coke, crack, LSD, heroin or any other type of drug. I really could care less, because it's not my life their fucking up. I hate pot, but I don't hate the pot smoker. I believe that using pot moderately is a lot safer than booze. You hear about drunk driving accidents everyday, but how often do you here about stoned driving accidents? You don't, why??? Because stoners want to sit at home and just smoke weed.

Which brings me to my point. How many really successful people in this world are hardcore potheads? Picture the CEO of the company you work for. Do you picture him getting out of work, getting into his Mercedes and lighting a bowl up for the drive home? One of the best quotes I've ever heard in reference to potheads is, "They don't call it dope for nothing." Think of every stoner movie produced over the last 40 years...Hilarious! They're hilarious because we see one or two dopes trying to get themselves out of silly situations, with magically characters, with the resolve being that they found their car or made it to a hamburger joint. The conclusion is never, "Chaz works his way up the corporate ladder to make VP and still has time to smoke an ounce with his beautiful wife and kids."

According to ONDCP, "effects of marijuana use include problems with memory and learning, distorted perception, difficulty in thinking and problem solving, loss of coordination, increased heart rate, and anxiety". "Distorted perception"...hmmm, doesn't it seem hard to be successful in life when your reality is "distorted". If you were investing money with a broker, would you use a broker who you know smoked crazy weed or the one who is completely sober? Again, I could give two shits if anyone smokes weed. I believe we have one shot at life, so might as well live it how you see fit. Some of my best friends love the stuff, but they have always been respectful of my family. My life, my goals, my success is all based within the happiness of my family, and it's really frustrating when my dreams get compromised by other people's "distorted perception". I don't know or care how much a bag of weed costs, but I know it shouldn't be worth more than the people you truly love.