Ninja's Are The Biggest Shit Talkers

China kung fu monks seek apology for ninja affront
Fri Aug 31, 1:34 AM ET
China's Shaolin Temple, the cradle of Chinese kung fu, is demanding an apology from an Internet user who said its monks had once been beaten in unarmed combat by a Japanese ninja, Chinese media reported on Friday. "The so-called defeat is purely fabricated, and we demand the Internet user to apologise to the whole nation for the wrongs he or she did," the Beijing News said, citing a notice announced by a lawyer for the Shaolin monks.

As I was trying on my custom-made Black Spiderman costume (from China) yesterday, The Mrs. made the comment that I looked like a ninja. Thinking about that now I'm wondering, does the ninja "make" the costume or does the costume "make" the ninja. Honestly, that's the only reason why their cool, right? They get to sneak around, dressed all in black with a utility belt filled with throwing stars and knock-out gas. Aside from looking cool, do they really believe they can kick a bunch of Shaolin monk's asses? Even in "American Ninja" the Japanese ninjas are getting whooped by the dude from "Bachelor Party".

I think ninjas need to revamp their recruiting tactics. I mean, do they just advertise in "The Metro" and on the Red Line? Check out this video of some ninja wannabes.

I'm also kind of disappointed that Shaolin monks have a lawyer, but I guess you can't just kick a ninja's ass anymore without some legal ramifications.

Which Is Worse - Marriage Or Death?

Bride and widow in single ceremony

NICE, France (AP) -- Dressed in a demure black suit, a 35-year-old Frenchwoman has married her dead boyfriend, an exchange of vows that required authorization from President Jacques Chirac.

Notice how the groom is mentioned as boyfriend...why not fiancee? At least the drunk driver spared this gentleman from a far longer, more painful death. This chicks has to know that if they only way she can get hitched is to marry her dead boyfriend, then she's doing something wrong...or just really ugly! Rest In Peace Frenchie, because whatever purgatory you're hanging around in, eventually you're probably going to get off light. Now that I think about it, the title is a trick question.

I'm Pretty Sure My Team Stinks!

It's fantasy football season again and on Sunday The Usual Suspects and I had our league's draft. Receiving the 4th pick this year, I kind of felt like the Boston Celtics during the lottery draft. Initially, I was really happy with my team, but I really think that was the Twisted Tea clouding my judgement. Not even The Keels and his fruity picks could have given me any sort of advantage. All-in-all my team is talented, but fragile and I must be insane to be banking any success from a rookie running back. Below is the players who will get the most exposure. I have a couple throw-in's who will probably end up on the scrap heap. Dallas' defense should put up some decent numbers also. I'm playing Ron Mexico's team Week 1 and the current projected score is Good Guys - 108 and Bad Guys - 293. Quick question...Who should I make that $25 check out to???

QB-Drew Brees: Dump off to Reggie and let him do the rest.

WR-Andre Johnson: Please give Schaub time to throw.

WR-Santana Moss: What's body part is going to break next?

RB-Frank Gore: Last year = STUD! Don't turn into DUD.

RB-Marshawn Lynch: Rookie, so it's huge risk, huge reward, huge mistake?

TE-Jason Witten: Romo's safety blanket - solid in the red zone.

RB-DeAngelo Williams: Why won't Foster go away or just die?

WR-Deion Branch: I really want to like this guy.

K-Josh Scobee: I just like saying his last name.

TE-Greg Olsen: Shockey without the drama, but Grossman stinks?

QB-Alex Smith: Just get it to Gore!!!

Owen Wilson Tries To Off Himself???

Report: Owen Wilson Attempted Suicide After Blow-Up With Close Friend
LOS ANGELES — Owen Wilson was found bloody and dazed after trying to commit suicide by overdosing on pills and slitting his wrist in the wake of a blow-up with a close friend, a source told the New York Post.

This bothers me for a lot of different reasons. First, ever since I saw "The Haunting", Owen Wilson has been kind of an inspiration. My initial reaction of Wilson in this movie was, "How the hell does a nose like that can the lead male role in a movie?" It wasn't until I started investigating Wilson's other bodies of work that I realized that deranged comedic talent can supersede average looks and facial imbalances. Even in bit parts, like his ex-boyfriend character from "Meet The Parents", Wilson steals the scenes.

Wilson had carved such a niche for himself that I think directors just say, "Play the part like that guy you play in every other movie your in." Seriously, ideal life - mad loot, out of the paparazzi eye, dating actresses and all your friends are other hilarious actors. Now we hear how he suffers from depression so bad that he tries to do himself in???

I say "F-U Owen Wilson". You couldn't just call up your buddy Will Ferrell for a laugh? Is the fact that your ex, Kate Hudson, is making out with Dax Sheppard all over town got you down? You couldn't take a little trip some seedy part of Vegas? Do me a favor, if you don't like your life, then give it to me, you selfish bastard! The Mrs., Baby G and yours truly would fit right into your cushy mansion, having pool parties with Ben Stiller and your brother Luke. I can already picture my average mug in "Wedding Crashers 2: Crashers Revenge"!

Have You Ever Been THIS Bored - Part 2

I'll give this redneck credit (I have to believe that something THIS stupid was done by a redneck), at least he knew to "Stop-Drop-Roll". Please note that WD-40 is good for a lot of different things...just don't go f-ing with it. The "Force" is strong with WD-40!

The Future Of The New England Patriots Is Safe

Tom Brady was not present at Patriots practice today! Hmmm....apparently for good reason. It is reported on Boston.com Brady was heading west to welcome his newborn son into the world. Now, I can only hope that Coach allows Brady to skip the remaining two preseason games. Last Friday it appeared that either Brady pissed off his O-Line or maybe instead of seeing "12", the Titans saw a bulls-eye.

On a side note, I've started making plans for Baby G and Baby B's wedding in about 18 years. I figure Lil Brady will be the only one of Baby G's suitors that I won't greet with a knuckle-sandwich.

Not Only Is It Tuesday...

It's Chuck Norris Tuesday!!!

Go ahead...Shake your money-maker!

If "The Man" is busting your chops...

Let them know it's Chuck Norris Tuesday!!!

Get pumped!

Release all your frustration!

Live today like Chuck Norris would want you to:

Summer Camping Trip Recap

I've been sitting on this blog for a week now, while I waited for the photo evidence. The Mrs. and I shipped Baby G to the Grandparent's house, so that we could accompany The Usual Suspects on a camping adventure deep in the woods of New Hampshire. Armed with 130 beers, 24 Twisted Teas, a bottle of Bacardi, a box-o-wine, a watermelon, 12 hockey-puck burgers, 6 hot dogs, an enormous tub of cheese doodles, a wiffleball set and a list of do's/don'ts, ten of us braved the elements and bugs at MP's family cabin.

There was definitely something endearing about the cabin. Maybe it was the history of the cabin, the pictures on the walls, the outhouse, the creepy well from "The Ring", or just being amongst friends preparing to inflict massive amounts of damage to our livers. For some, their livers were the least of their worries. Throughout the 24 hours there were smashed heads, broken pinkies, disgusting spider bites and veggie-burgers. All-in-all, we adhered to at least half of the rules, had to some good laughs and made it back to Massachusetts alive. Here are some highlight pictures of the trip:

"Welcome to our Summer villa!"

"We're all having a swell time!"

"International sign to ward off evil spirits."

"I'm done, the outhouse is all yours."

"Step, one, two, step, three, four..."

"We prefer slow-dancing, thanks."

"International sign to ward off P.D.A.'s!"

"Do you know who 'The Man' is?"

"THIS GUY!!!"

"Wait a minute...It's 6:00 AM?!?!?"

"Try to send us to rehab...We said No, No, No!"

"I think my pinkie is broken.."

Who Is Your Favorite?

Since his first appearance in Batman #1 (1940), there has not been a more recognizable villain than The Joker. The Joker's visual staples were white skin, menacing clown grin, green hair and purple suits. Despite his comical appearance, he's always been depicted as a vicious killer in the comics. Makes you wonder why people are scared of clowns, right?

The Joker has also been represented in television and movies. My first exposure to The Joker happen to be the old Adam West Batman television show. Cesar Romero played The Joker and he reminded me more of Dr. Evil now that I think about it. Romero's Joker was always bungling around in elaborate schemes along with Rocky's "Mickey", who played The Penguin.

With the latest installment in the Batman franchise due out in 2008, with The Joker played by Brokeback Butt-Throb Heath Ledger, I was wondering who best embodies The Joker?

Caser Romero
Jack Nicholson
Heath Ledger

On a side note, I really hope this little piece of Joker dialog makes it into the movie:

RIP - Crush (Formerly Of WWF Tag Team Demolition)

Current and former "employees" are dropping like fly's over in the WWE. According to a report on the official WWE website, Brian "Crush" Adams was found dead today.

I used to be a huge WWF fan in the 80's and early 90's. As far as tag teams go, Demolition were badder than "Bad News Brown"! Even their theme song preached how good they were.

As much as I never thought "Crush" fit in with good-ole' "Ax" and "Smash", it's a shame that Vince McMahon's lust for wrestling monopoly and love/encouragement of steroids has claimed the life of another "squared-circle" champion.

What Is More Scary?

OR...




"I think we're going to need a bigger boat!"

August 10th Is Lazy Day!

According to Holiday Insights, August 10th is Lazy Day:

"Lazy Day is your chance to goof off, and definitely not work. And, it definitely comes at a good time. Hot, muggy weather makes it easy to kick back and be lazy for a day. If summer chores are not done by now, they can just wait one more day. It is best spent on a hammock, along with your favorite summer beverage."

There is usually no problem finding an excuse to do or not do anything. Whether you want to get sloppy drunk, lounge in the pool or get out of washing dishes, we as humans have the innate ability to come up with some reason to justify the action. Unfortunately for us men, women have the innate ability to see through our bullshit. Today though, we've got this little trump card. If the significant other is chirping at you to fetch some more wine with extra ice cubes - Sorry, It's Lazy Day. If the boss is all over your case for your lack of production - Pipe down, It's Lazy Day.

For my fellow brethren, I offer this site if you need some help as how to spend this wonderful holiday - The Lazy Man's Guide To Good Livin'! Happy Lazy Day!!!

Over The River And Through The Woods...

This upcoming weekend, the Mrs. and I are accompanying The Usual Suspects, as well as some Yahoos, on a camping trip in New Hampshire. Our accommodations are at the JMP campsite, that up until NOW, we were not allowed to go to. From first-hand accounts of this cabin, I've been able to provide a pretty accurate rendition of the location:

Swanky! This, of course is actually the cabin used to film the legendary film, The Evil Dead.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with The Evil Dead, it is the story of a group of friends who take a trip into the woods to booze, eat and be merry. Unfortunately for these friends, they accidentally unleash an invisible evil force with the power to possess the living, and they all die in awful and comedic ways, except for the hero - Ash (played by cult favorite Bruce Campbell).

I am certain that we'll find some interesting artifacts at our location, but I am confident that common sense will prevail in certain situations. Here are some basic rules that will keep our little camping trip fun for all:

1) If you stumble across this book, don't read it - just leave it be:


2) If you have to go #2, maybe it's best NOT to dig a hole:


3) If Rule #1 gets broken and you turn into a zombie, look directly into the sun (zombies hate that):


4) If Rule #1 gets broken, and Rule #3 gets ignored, find nearest decapitation utensil:


5) Finally, if there happens to be one, don't go down into the basement:


Fun camping is safe camping - Don't be a victim of irony!

In Honor Of Pool Party Sunday

Let us all hope that if any of these mishaps happen on Sunday, that they are caught on camera. On a side note, people better not be grumbling about "Who celebrates their 31st birthday?" I DO! It's not like I'm asking you to bring gifts, cards or even sign a song - just come over, drink and eat the food provided. I don't hear anyone complaining about December 25th - we celebrate that birthday every year...This is pretty much the same thing.

Pool Action - Funny home videos are a click away