Facial Tattoo Leads To Arrest

TAMPA - It wasn't particularly hard for the victims of a Riverview home invasion to identify the burglar. He was the only one with an outline of the state of Florida tattooed on his face, authorities say.

In addition to the Florida tattoo, Sean Roberts also has the words "Crazy Cracker" written or tattooed on his head, Hillsborough County sheriff's spokesman J.D. Callaway said.

There was a time when the Mrs. desperately wanted to move to Florida. We had just returned from a week-long vacation at my parent's home in Fort Pierce, and I think the climate change caused her to snap. In some respects I don't blame her. Snow sucks, shoveling snow blows, and raking leaves...well, I don't rake leaves; they don't keep me from getting places.

The thing the Mrs. failed to realize is that living in Florida is WAY different than visiting Florida, unless you are my grandparents who golf everyday. Florida is the state you go to when you just say fuck it all. Floridians are either retired transplants or potential criminals. Take "Crazy Cracker" for instance. He wouldn't be able to hack Massachusetts living. If he tried to rob anyone 12 years or older from the Greater Boston Area, his ass would get a beatdown. He probably wouldn't even make it out of Logan without getting his ass whupped for tattooing Florida on his face. In fact, I bet this would be the kid to do it...


Now I'm no criminal mastermind, but maybe "Crazy Cracker" would be a better burgler if he spent a winter up here shoveling my driveway. At the very least he'd learn what a ski mask was.

You Make My Dreams Come True!

I'm probably the last person who has heard of the internet phenomenon that is Keyboard Cat, but I have to say that I can't get enough. Perhaps it's because I'm a cat lover. Googling Keyboard Cat will pull up thousands of hits, mostly containing video blunders that result in Keyboard Cat's mocking tune. The mash-up above of Keyboard Cat/Hall & Oates takes it to a new level. Keyboard Cat is the missing link to that 80's pop duo. Don't get me wrong, Hall & Oates were no schlubs, but imagine how many more records they would have sold if Keyboard Cat was a full-time contributor.

Speaking of mash-up's...I happen to be fan. I enjoy watching how someone interprets seemly opposite things and creates something fun and new. Have you seen "The Shining" made out to be a fun family film? Gold! I have to admit though, this latest mash-up I've stumbled upon kind of creeps me out. I'm not sure if it's from Rick Astley's dance moves or the fact that the two songs work so well together. I'll let you be the judge...

Stop...Vader Time!

Damn! Darth Vader has got some moves. I would have thought being a cyborg would have some drawbacks in the getting-down department. He must use some serious WD-40 on those joints. Also, he must be using some Jedi mind trick on the Stormtroopers. Everyone knows that Stormtroopers are a bunch of cloned buffoons who can't stay keep out of each other's way, let alone inanimate objects.

The fact that Vader is such a big M.C. Hammer fan makes complete sense. Hammer has got Dark Side written all over him and his rise/fall is eerily similar to the rise/fall of the Empire.

Peanuts! Get Ya Peanuts Here!

There was an old SNL sketch involving Mike Myers called "Coffee Talk with Linda Richman". Every episode while "Linda" was busy being "verklempt", she would give the audience a topic to discuss. My personal favorite? "A peanut is neither a pea nor a nut...Discuss."

To some this statement may seem riduculous; of course a peanut is a nut. That's what the peanut WANTS you to believe. In fact, a peanut is actually a legume. Another fun fact about a legume, or in this case a peanut, is that it's considered a fruit. "Like hell", you say, but it's true. That PB & J you had for lunch? Fruit on fruit...that's double the fruit! Not to mention that peanuts pack in tons of protein, amino acids and Omega-3's. Think about that next time your at a Sox game. You can eat all the peanuts you want and when some dude says, "Hey, that's your 4th bag of peanuts!" You can tell him, "Have another hot dog, fatty! I'm eating some fruit to support a healthy diet." Just make sure he doesn't see the 8 empty beer cups at your feet.

So why all this information regarding peanuts? Well, anyone who knows THIS guy, knows that I freaking love peanuts. Even at a early age I would eat the MOST peanuts; shell and all. "What? You eat the shell?!?" Damn skippy (get it?)! I wouldn't eat the shells alone, but there's something delicious about the shell matched with the peanuts. I like to think that's it's upping my fiber intake...you can never get enough fiber. Now with any addiction there comes some pesky obstacles that may or may not get you into some hot-water...one of which inspired this blog.

1) They're messy - Most normal people crack the shell open and eat the inner peanuts. Cracking the the shell and disposing of the shell can create quite a mess. Check out the floor next time you go to the Texas Roadhouse...those aren't cockroaches under every step you take.

2) Peanut allergies can KILL YOU - I thought that peanut love was heredity, so when I gave (2-month old) Leo a little taste of peanut butter, I was flabbergasted at the scolding a received from The Mrs. Thus, peanut addicts with peanut allegies tend to have short life-spans.

3) Peanuts are easily contaminated - One word: Salmonella! If you got all day to hang out on the crapper with chills and diarrhea, then grab a 5lb bag of expired peanuts and dig in!

Normally, I pretty much in the clear when it comes to the above three obstacles. I eat a lot of shells, eliminating most of the mess, I'm not dead yet, and I check the date on the bag of peanuts that I'm consuming. If a bad nut sneaks in, well that's out of my control and I'll fully accept the gut-wrenching mess that's to come. So, when I come into work today and see that someone has left me what APPEARS to be a delicious bag of Bazzini's Fresh Roasted Peanuts, I'm immediately suspicious. One quick check of the expiration dates shows "April 21, 2009"...almost 3 months past due! Is it obvious to you now what has prompted this blog???

Someone is trying to kill me...or at the very least, cause me severe digestive discomfort. Curse you phantom peanut person! You shall rue the day you attempted to poison me with tainted peanuts...Forbidden Fruit, if you will!

JOWLS!

I'm sure The Nits will appreciate this.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

I'm Back!

We'll thank Mr. Perrone for the inspiration. Bottom line is that I'm always complaining when someone else doesn't update their blog, yet it's been almost 2 years since I've updated mine. Well today I'm going to stop being a hypocrite...until the novelty wears off again.

Here's a quick rundown of the last (almost) two years. I owned a house, rented the house, lost the house...it happened, I feel shitty about it, I learned a valuable lesson about it: Don't make hasty decisions without REALLY considering consequences.

I got promoted at the firm! I'm fortunate to work in a positive environment, with positive people. I'd tell you about what I do, but right now I'm the only one who does it for all 13 offices and I like that type of job security. I'd tell you, you'd tell your friends and everyone would know how to do my job. Pretty soon I'd be replaced with a monkey. I have a secondary job - Tennessee's BBQ (in Braintree). True story, we've converted vegans back to carnivores...the food is THAT good!

I knocked up the Mrs...First try...My guys don't mess around...That's why I have to get fixed.


I can't be sad though, because the Mrs. and I welcomed Leo William on May 11th. I forget what generation I am, 12th, 14th (it's up there) and all thanks to yours truly we're keeping the B-Train rolling! The little guy has been added to the cast of characters, and shall now be a reoccurring blog feature. He's sleeping through the night, smiles, yells when he's hungry and is getting pretty good at dodging the G's flying knees, elbows, headbutts; among other things.



Other than that, all the Superfriends are intact. Some are homeowners, some are living together, some are engaged, some have new additions (dogs) and all doing their thing. Our lovely New England weather has put a damper on some social outings the summer usually provides, but hopefully we'll all get together soon...Beach anyone?



My goal is going to be a blog per day. Could be big, could be small, but it's better than nothing. I'm going to have to ask Mr. Perrone how he finagled a survey, because I've got loads of questions I'd like to get your opinions on. My hope is that everyone makes a point to check back daily to see what I conjure up. Let the good time roll!

Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Festivus, etc

As the holidays rapidly approach, I hope everyone is relatively safe. I only say relatively, because family holiday parties can be awful treacherous. Since we've been bombarded with holiday programing and movies, my thoughts go to some of my favorite holiday movie moments. Hopefully this collection of clips gets you in the holiday spirit.







Added Holiday Bonus - Who Do You Call In Case Of Emergency?

Teeth - The Movie

When I first heard about this movie I was convinced that it was a joke. I've seen some pretty crazy stuff in movies, but this might be over the line...even for me! "Psycho" freaked people out about the shower. I can understand that "Jaws" did wonders for the pool business. "The Blair Witch Project", I'm sure, made people think twice about the random sounds you hear while camping. But a vagina with teeth?!?!?

Not only is this film real...it kicked ass at the Sundance Film Festival. I know one thing, I never want to see this movie...I'm not one bit curious. But, for all you freaks out there who are into movies about the female anatomy biting off random dude's junk, then check your local listings for a theater near you...and NEVER speak to me again.

http://www.teethmovie.com/

R.I.P.

I'm really sick right now. I don't want to go into details, but my body is releasing goop. Lots of goop. Despite my illness, I've been waiting for this.

If there ever was someone who embodied, "I know I was born...I know I'll die...In between is MINE!", it's this guy. Evel, wherever you are I hope you're giving it as much hell as you did life on Earth. You're an icon, you're a legend, you'll always be remembered.

Too Good NOT To Pass Along...

I know, I know. I've been slacking on the blogging, and you're all getting pissed. I've been putting in the OT at my other jobs, so that I'm not cheaping out on Christmas this year. I'm never going to live down the Britta I gave my mother two years ago. Speaking of the holidays, I came across the news story and thought the subject matter was just too good not to pass along:

Santas warned 'ho ho ho' offensive to women
Wed Nov 14, 11:04 PM ET
Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday.

Sydney's Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha" instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.

One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use "ho ho ho" because it could frighten children and was too close to "ho", a US slang term for prostitute.

Do Australian's think that our country is run my Isiah Thomas or something? You know political correctness is getting annoying when censoring a fictional fat guy. What's next? Radio stations will be banned from playing "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus", because it insinuates infidelity? Maybe "Daddy" was killed in a random hunting accident and "Mommy" needed comfort?

Now, if Santa starts leaving pictures like these in your kid's stockings, then maybe you should start to worry.

R.I.P. - Robert Goulet

Robert Goulet, `Camelot' Star, Dapper Singer, Dead at Age 73
Oct. 31 (Bloomberg) -- Robert Goulet, the singer whose rich baritone voice and classic tall, dark, dashing good looks made him a star on stage and television, has died. He was 73.
Goulet suffered from a rare form of pulmonary fibrosis, a progressive and fatal condition. He was being treated at Cedars- Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles and was awaiting a lung transplant when he died yesterday, the Associated Press reported.

Waiting for a lung??? I hate waiting in line for a smoothie, so waiting for a lung would probably send me on a murderous rampage...that is if I could breathe without a tube down my throat. As a tribute to the late, great Robert Goulet, I'm attaching a video of Will Ferrell perfectly capturing the ultimate essence of Mr. Goulet. Moment of silence..............Done. (Disclaimer - this video may contain language that is considered offensive, but understand that Mr. Ferrell is in character and should not be considered racist. It is unconfirmed whether or not Mr. Goulet was racist, but he's dead now, so who cares.)

What Came First - The Millionaire Or The Pothead?

I don't mind people who smoke weed. I don't mind people who do coke, crack, LSD, heroin or any other type of drug. I really could care less, because it's not my life their fucking up. I hate pot, but I don't hate the pot smoker. I believe that using pot moderately is a lot safer than booze. You hear about drunk driving accidents everyday, but how often do you here about stoned driving accidents? You don't, why??? Because stoners want to sit at home and just smoke weed.

Which brings me to my point. How many really successful people in this world are hardcore potheads? Picture the CEO of the company you work for. Do you picture him getting out of work, getting into his Mercedes and lighting a bowl up for the drive home? One of the best quotes I've ever heard in reference to potheads is, "They don't call it dope for nothing." Think of every stoner movie produced over the last 40 years...Hilarious! They're hilarious because we see one or two dopes trying to get themselves out of silly situations, with magically characters, with the resolve being that they found their car or made it to a hamburger joint. The conclusion is never, "Chaz works his way up the corporate ladder to make VP and still has time to smoke an ounce with his beautiful wife and kids."

According to ONDCP, "effects of marijuana use include problems with memory and learning, distorted perception, difficulty in thinking and problem solving, loss of coordination, increased heart rate, and anxiety". "Distorted perception"...hmmm, doesn't it seem hard to be successful in life when your reality is "distorted". If you were investing money with a broker, would you use a broker who you know smoked crazy weed or the one who is completely sober? Again, I could give two shits if anyone smokes weed. I believe we have one shot at life, so might as well live it how you see fit. Some of my best friends love the stuff, but they have always been respectful of my family. My life, my goals, my success is all based within the happiness of my family, and it's really frustrating when my dreams get compromised by other people's "distorted perception". I don't know or care how much a bag of weed costs, but I know it shouldn't be worth more than the people you truly love.

Before There Was "Star Wars"...

There was "Holy Grail Wars"!

Baby G Wants Her MTV!

Godsmack To Film New Video This Weekend
posted Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 11:54:14 AM by Diamond Oz.
GODSMACK will film a video for its cover version of LED ZEPPELIN's "Good Times, Bad Times" on Saturday, October 20 on the corner of Milk Street and Oliver Street in Boston's financial district beginning at 11:00 a.m. The newly recorded song will appear on GODSMACK's upcoming greatest-hits collection, "Good Times, Bad Times - 10 Years of Godsmack", which is due on November 20.

Does MTV even show music videos anymore? It would have been cool to know about this BEFORE The Mrs, Baby G and I stumbled into the video shoot. We thought we were being money-savvy by parking by my office, paying a meter $2.00 and walking to the annual "Camp Sunshine - Pumpkin Festival" held in City Hall Plaza. What's funny is that we were completely oblivious to the closed streets, cameras, big stage and crowd of leather-wearing, tattoo-clad headbangers until we were literally in the middle of it all. We must have been sooo oblivious that we achieved invisibility, because why else would security let two obvious domestic suburbans with a big stroller just waltz into their video shoot? I'm going to start calling these instances "The Baby G Factor", because for some reason she has a knack for getting in front of a camera. She been on Fox 25 news about 6 times, boston.com three times, and I think she found her way into one of Peyton Manning's cell phone commercials when we weren't looking. The academic scholarship to Harvard can wait...Hollywood here we come!!!

Happy Birthday - Van Damme Is 47!!!

Can you believe the "Muscles from Brussles" is actually 47? It seems like just yesterday I used to watch "Bloodsport" over, and over, and over again on TNT. I know it's only Thursday, but in celebration of this VERY special occasion...

IT'S ALMOST VAN DAMME FRIDAY!!!

You can't believe your eyes, but it's really ALMOST VAN DAMME FRIDAY!

Don't be afraid to cut a little rug, because it's ALMOST VAN DAMME FRIDAY!

Not excited about VAN DAMME FRIDAY? Well, the muscles from Brussels has a little something for YOU!

Weekend Recap - Anniversary/Columbus Day

First off, I'd like to thank "The Mrs." for putting up with my shenanigans for the last 5 years. Although she proved Saturday night that she still can be as weird as ever, she can at least use the excuse of being drunk. I, on the other hand, am just strange 24/7 - if you could actually see what goes through my head, I'd break records for most restraining orders.

I'd also like to thank our friends who were able to share our anniversary dinner at El Sarape's with us. You all must truly be great friends for knowingly ingesting food that is GUARANTEED to give you "The Trots" for about 3 days. Here are some memorable moments from this past weekend (including the day-off I took on Friday).

1) Even though it was "The Mrs." and I's 5-year wedding anniversary, we only saw each other for a total of 4 hours over the course of 3 days.

2) Despite being with Baby G for 72 hours, she didn't take one dump...she saved them for "Nanny"!

3) Red Sox crush The Indians in Game 1 of the ALCS...and Auntie Rach crushes all opponents in Wii Bowling.

4) Apple picking at CN Smith Farm with Baby G, then searching for the goat with the biggest nuts.

5) Being restrained from beating up an old geezer complaining that I got in between him and his "Helen's" pizza.

6) Completely enjoying the very loud, 12-person conversation regarding the $25 prize per each severed coyote head while inhaling a mountain of authentic Mexican food.

7) Lil-sis Batesy disappearing, only to be discovered blacked-out in the bathroom, ONLY to be uncomfortably transported through a crowd of "Usual Suspects".

8) "The Mrs." drunken foresight to KNOW the Red Sox game wasn't worth watching, and we were better off watching her "Get Fittercize" in the living room.

9) Trying to show "Drunkle" what Sunday's and domestic living is all about...and having to listen about life in Waco, TX.

10) A 12-pack of Twisted Tea cans and plenty of this:

NY Giants Linebacker Injured How?

After bumping into reporter, Giants linebacker Blackburn injures ear

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. -- Giants linebacker Chase Blackburn nearly ruptured his ear drum Sunday after New York's victory over the Philadelphia Eagles.

The mishap occurred when a reporter bumped into Blackburn in a crowded postgame locker room when when he was cleaning his ear with a cotton swab. Blackburn dropped to the floor and said he lost hearing in the ear which then started to bleed.

It's not hard to figure out why this stiff went undrafted when reporters are taking him out. How far did this guy have the Q-Tip in his ear prior to getting bumped? He must have been digging for buried treasure or something. I blame Tom Coughlin! Not only does he fail as a coach, he can't even teach his players proper personal hygiene.

What's More Scary?

OR...

OR...

Either way, it feels pretty good to be a Boston sports fan!

This Made Me Laugh...A Lot!

Ocho Stinko!!!

Let me start by saying, I Hate Monday Night Football! The only reason why I ever watch it is because the Patriots are playing. Even when the Patriots are playing on Monday nights, I secretly hope for a first-half blowout just so I can go to bed at 10:00.

For some reason last night, I thought the Bengals were going to come back somehow. Leading up to the game, all the sports writers were kissing some Bengals' Offense ass. I think I heard the word "shootout" two thousand times. Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, TJ Whose-Your-Momma were putting up crazy stats, so of course the Bengals could strike at any time...OH, the final score??? 34-13 Patriots. Apparently, there are a couple good players on the Patriot Defense who didn't want to see an offensive shootout - they wanted a defensive massacre. I guess we should have known when the biggest mouth in the NFL (Johnson) doesn't make a peep before the game.

In conclusion, I'm excited the Patriots won, I'm exhausted from lack of sleep, and the BC Eagles could probably beat the Bengals right now. Note to Marvin Lewis - next time you go to a gunfight, bring more than a swiss army knife.