Peanuts! Get Ya Peanuts Here!

There was an old SNL sketch involving Mike Myers called "Coffee Talk with Linda Richman". Every episode while "Linda" was busy being "verklempt", she would give the audience a topic to discuss. My personal favorite? "A peanut is neither a pea nor a nut...Discuss."

To some this statement may seem riduculous; of course a peanut is a nut. That's what the peanut WANTS you to believe. In fact, a peanut is actually a legume. Another fun fact about a legume, or in this case a peanut, is that it's considered a fruit. "Like hell", you say, but it's true. That PB & J you had for lunch? Fruit on fruit...that's double the fruit! Not to mention that peanuts pack in tons of protein, amino acids and Omega-3's. Think about that next time your at a Sox game. You can eat all the peanuts you want and when some dude says, "Hey, that's your 4th bag of peanuts!" You can tell him, "Have another hot dog, fatty! I'm eating some fruit to support a healthy diet." Just make sure he doesn't see the 8 empty beer cups at your feet.

So why all this information regarding peanuts? Well, anyone who knows THIS guy, knows that I freaking love peanuts. Even at a early age I would eat the MOST peanuts; shell and all. "What? You eat the shell?!?" Damn skippy (get it?)! I wouldn't eat the shells alone, but there's something delicious about the shell matched with the peanuts. I like to think that's it's upping my fiber intake...you can never get enough fiber. Now with any addiction there comes some pesky obstacles that may or may not get you into some hot-water...one of which inspired this blog.

1) They're messy - Most normal people crack the shell open and eat the inner peanuts. Cracking the the shell and disposing of the shell can create quite a mess. Check out the floor next time you go to the Texas Roadhouse...those aren't cockroaches under every step you take.

2) Peanut allergies can KILL YOU - I thought that peanut love was heredity, so when I gave (2-month old) Leo a little taste of peanut butter, I was flabbergasted at the scolding a received from The Mrs. Thus, peanut addicts with peanut allegies tend to have short life-spans.

3) Peanuts are easily contaminated - One word: Salmonella! If you got all day to hang out on the crapper with chills and diarrhea, then grab a 5lb bag of expired peanuts and dig in!

Normally, I pretty much in the clear when it comes to the above three obstacles. I eat a lot of shells, eliminating most of the mess, I'm not dead yet, and I check the date on the bag of peanuts that I'm consuming. If a bad nut sneaks in, well that's out of my control and I'll fully accept the gut-wrenching mess that's to come. So, when I come into work today and see that someone has left me what APPEARS to be a delicious bag of Bazzini's Fresh Roasted Peanuts, I'm immediately suspicious. One quick check of the expiration dates shows "April 21, 2009"...almost 3 months past due! Is it obvious to you now what has prompted this blog???

Someone is trying to kill me...or at the very least, cause me severe digestive discomfort. Curse you phantom peanut person! You shall rue the day you attempted to poison me with tainted peanuts...Forbidden Fruit, if you will!