Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Festivus, etc

As the holidays rapidly approach, I hope everyone is relatively safe. I only say relatively, because family holiday parties can be awful treacherous. Since we've been bombarded with holiday programing and movies, my thoughts go to some of my favorite holiday movie moments. Hopefully this collection of clips gets you in the holiday spirit.







Added Holiday Bonus - Who Do You Call In Case Of Emergency?

Teeth - The Movie

When I first heard about this movie I was convinced that it was a joke. I've seen some pretty crazy stuff in movies, but this might be over the line...even for me! "Psycho" freaked people out about the shower. I can understand that "Jaws" did wonders for the pool business. "The Blair Witch Project", I'm sure, made people think twice about the random sounds you hear while camping. But a vagina with teeth?!?!?

Not only is this film real...it kicked ass at the Sundance Film Festival. I know one thing, I never want to see this movie...I'm not one bit curious. But, for all you freaks out there who are into movies about the female anatomy biting off random dude's junk, then check your local listings for a theater near you...and NEVER speak to me again.

http://www.teethmovie.com/

R.I.P.

I'm really sick right now. I don't want to go into details, but my body is releasing goop. Lots of goop. Despite my illness, I've been waiting for this.

If there ever was someone who embodied, "I know I was born...I know I'll die...In between is MINE!", it's this guy. Evel, wherever you are I hope you're giving it as much hell as you did life on Earth. You're an icon, you're a legend, you'll always be remembered.

Too Good NOT To Pass Along...

I know, I know. I've been slacking on the blogging, and you're all getting pissed. I've been putting in the OT at my other jobs, so that I'm not cheaping out on Christmas this year. I'm never going to live down the Britta I gave my mother two years ago. Speaking of the holidays, I came across the news story and thought the subject matter was just too good not to pass along:

Santas warned 'ho ho ho' offensive to women
Wed Nov 14, 11:04 PM ET
Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday.

Sydney's Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha" instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.

One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use "ho ho ho" because it could frighten children and was too close to "ho", a US slang term for prostitute.

Do Australian's think that our country is run my Isiah Thomas or something? You know political correctness is getting annoying when censoring a fictional fat guy. What's next? Radio stations will be banned from playing "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus", because it insinuates infidelity? Maybe "Daddy" was killed in a random hunting accident and "Mommy" needed comfort?

Now, if Santa starts leaving pictures like these in your kid's stockings, then maybe you should start to worry.

R.I.P. - Robert Goulet

Robert Goulet, `Camelot' Star, Dapper Singer, Dead at Age 73
Oct. 31 (Bloomberg) -- Robert Goulet, the singer whose rich baritone voice and classic tall, dark, dashing good looks made him a star on stage and television, has died. He was 73.
Goulet suffered from a rare form of pulmonary fibrosis, a progressive and fatal condition. He was being treated at Cedars- Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles and was awaiting a lung transplant when he died yesterday, the Associated Press reported.

Waiting for a lung??? I hate waiting in line for a smoothie, so waiting for a lung would probably send me on a murderous rampage...that is if I could breathe without a tube down my throat. As a tribute to the late, great Robert Goulet, I'm attaching a video of Will Ferrell perfectly capturing the ultimate essence of Mr. Goulet. Moment of silence..............Done. (Disclaimer - this video may contain language that is considered offensive, but understand that Mr. Ferrell is in character and should not be considered racist. It is unconfirmed whether or not Mr. Goulet was racist, but he's dead now, so who cares.)

What Came First - The Millionaire Or The Pothead?

I don't mind people who smoke weed. I don't mind people who do coke, crack, LSD, heroin or any other type of drug. I really could care less, because it's not my life their fucking up. I hate pot, but I don't hate the pot smoker. I believe that using pot moderately is a lot safer than booze. You hear about drunk driving accidents everyday, but how often do you here about stoned driving accidents? You don't, why??? Because stoners want to sit at home and just smoke weed.

Which brings me to my point. How many really successful people in this world are hardcore potheads? Picture the CEO of the company you work for. Do you picture him getting out of work, getting into his Mercedes and lighting a bowl up for the drive home? One of the best quotes I've ever heard in reference to potheads is, "They don't call it dope for nothing." Think of every stoner movie produced over the last 40 years...Hilarious! They're hilarious because we see one or two dopes trying to get themselves out of silly situations, with magically characters, with the resolve being that they found their car or made it to a hamburger joint. The conclusion is never, "Chaz works his way up the corporate ladder to make VP and still has time to smoke an ounce with his beautiful wife and kids."

According to ONDCP, "effects of marijuana use include problems with memory and learning, distorted perception, difficulty in thinking and problem solving, loss of coordination, increased heart rate, and anxiety". "Distorted perception"...hmmm, doesn't it seem hard to be successful in life when your reality is "distorted". If you were investing money with a broker, would you use a broker who you know smoked crazy weed or the one who is completely sober? Again, I could give two shits if anyone smokes weed. I believe we have one shot at life, so might as well live it how you see fit. Some of my best friends love the stuff, but they have always been respectful of my family. My life, my goals, my success is all based within the happiness of my family, and it's really frustrating when my dreams get compromised by other people's "distorted perception". I don't know or care how much a bag of weed costs, but I know it shouldn't be worth more than the people you truly love.

Before There Was "Star Wars"...

There was "Holy Grail Wars"!

Baby G Wants Her MTV!

Godsmack To Film New Video This Weekend
posted Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 11:54:14 AM by Diamond Oz.
GODSMACK will film a video for its cover version of LED ZEPPELIN's "Good Times, Bad Times" on Saturday, October 20 on the corner of Milk Street and Oliver Street in Boston's financial district beginning at 11:00 a.m. The newly recorded song will appear on GODSMACK's upcoming greatest-hits collection, "Good Times, Bad Times - 10 Years of Godsmack", which is due on November 20.

Does MTV even show music videos anymore? It would have been cool to know about this BEFORE The Mrs, Baby G and I stumbled into the video shoot. We thought we were being money-savvy by parking by my office, paying a meter $2.00 and walking to the annual "Camp Sunshine - Pumpkin Festival" held in City Hall Plaza. What's funny is that we were completely oblivious to the closed streets, cameras, big stage and crowd of leather-wearing, tattoo-clad headbangers until we were literally in the middle of it all. We must have been sooo oblivious that we achieved invisibility, because why else would security let two obvious domestic suburbans with a big stroller just waltz into their video shoot? I'm going to start calling these instances "The Baby G Factor", because for some reason she has a knack for getting in front of a camera. She been on Fox 25 news about 6 times, boston.com three times, and I think she found her way into one of Peyton Manning's cell phone commercials when we weren't looking. The academic scholarship to Harvard can wait...Hollywood here we come!!!

Happy Birthday - Van Damme Is 47!!!

Can you believe the "Muscles from Brussles" is actually 47? It seems like just yesterday I used to watch "Bloodsport" over, and over, and over again on TNT. I know it's only Thursday, but in celebration of this VERY special occasion...

IT'S ALMOST VAN DAMME FRIDAY!!!

You can't believe your eyes, but it's really ALMOST VAN DAMME FRIDAY!

Don't be afraid to cut a little rug, because it's ALMOST VAN DAMME FRIDAY!

Not excited about VAN DAMME FRIDAY? Well, the muscles from Brussels has a little something for YOU!

Weekend Recap - Anniversary/Columbus Day

First off, I'd like to thank "The Mrs." for putting up with my shenanigans for the last 5 years. Although she proved Saturday night that she still can be as weird as ever, she can at least use the excuse of being drunk. I, on the other hand, am just strange 24/7 - if you could actually see what goes through my head, I'd break records for most restraining orders.

I'd also like to thank our friends who were able to share our anniversary dinner at El Sarape's with us. You all must truly be great friends for knowingly ingesting food that is GUARANTEED to give you "The Trots" for about 3 days. Here are some memorable moments from this past weekend (including the day-off I took on Friday).

1) Even though it was "The Mrs." and I's 5-year wedding anniversary, we only saw each other for a total of 4 hours over the course of 3 days.

2) Despite being with Baby G for 72 hours, she didn't take one dump...she saved them for "Nanny"!

3) Red Sox crush The Indians in Game 1 of the ALCS...and Auntie Rach crushes all opponents in Wii Bowling.

4) Apple picking at CN Smith Farm with Baby G, then searching for the goat with the biggest nuts.

5) Being restrained from beating up an old geezer complaining that I got in between him and his "Helen's" pizza.

6) Completely enjoying the very loud, 12-person conversation regarding the $25 prize per each severed coyote head while inhaling a mountain of authentic Mexican food.

7) Lil-sis Batesy disappearing, only to be discovered blacked-out in the bathroom, ONLY to be uncomfortably transported through a crowd of "Usual Suspects".

8) "The Mrs." drunken foresight to KNOW the Red Sox game wasn't worth watching, and we were better off watching her "Get Fittercize" in the living room.

9) Trying to show "Drunkle" what Sunday's and domestic living is all about...and having to listen about life in Waco, TX.

10) A 12-pack of Twisted Tea cans and plenty of this:

NY Giants Linebacker Injured How?

After bumping into reporter, Giants linebacker Blackburn injures ear

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. -- Giants linebacker Chase Blackburn nearly ruptured his ear drum Sunday after New York's victory over the Philadelphia Eagles.

The mishap occurred when a reporter bumped into Blackburn in a crowded postgame locker room when when he was cleaning his ear with a cotton swab. Blackburn dropped to the floor and said he lost hearing in the ear which then started to bleed.

It's not hard to figure out why this stiff went undrafted when reporters are taking him out. How far did this guy have the Q-Tip in his ear prior to getting bumped? He must have been digging for buried treasure or something. I blame Tom Coughlin! Not only does he fail as a coach, he can't even teach his players proper personal hygiene.

What's More Scary?

OR...

OR...

Either way, it feels pretty good to be a Boston sports fan!

This Made Me Laugh...A Lot!

Ocho Stinko!!!

Let me start by saying, I Hate Monday Night Football! The only reason why I ever watch it is because the Patriots are playing. Even when the Patriots are playing on Monday nights, I secretly hope for a first-half blowout just so I can go to bed at 10:00.

For some reason last night, I thought the Bengals were going to come back somehow. Leading up to the game, all the sports writers were kissing some Bengals' Offense ass. I think I heard the word "shootout" two thousand times. Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, TJ Whose-Your-Momma were putting up crazy stats, so of course the Bengals could strike at any time...OH, the final score??? 34-13 Patriots. Apparently, there are a couple good players on the Patriot Defense who didn't want to see an offensive shootout - they wanted a defensive massacre. I guess we should have known when the biggest mouth in the NFL (Johnson) doesn't make a peep before the game.

In conclusion, I'm excited the Patriots won, I'm exhausted from lack of sleep, and the BC Eagles could probably beat the Bengals right now. Note to Marvin Lewis - next time you go to a gunfight, bring more than a swiss army knife.

I Hate Full Moons

According to Wikipedia: Full moon is a lunar phase that occurs when the Moon is on the opposite side of the Earth from the Sun, and when the three celestial bodies are aligned as close as possible to a straight line.


I also learned under the "Characteristics" section that "david smith is cool", but that is neither here nor there. What Wikipedia fails to indicate is how the full moon affects how we sleep. One night a month, I can't frigging sleep and it's because of the damn moon!

I know there are tons of theories out there regarding how the moon affects everything. The moon affects the tides, affects The Mrs. monthly "friend", and could quite possible be made of green cheese. Instead of the full moon keeping me up because my body is made up of 70% water, why can't it be because I'm a Werewolf? Think of all the fun I could have...

What's Going On In The World?

The Nits informed me that there is a lot of happening in our weird and wacky world. Since I appreciate and value The Nits' opinion, I decided to poke around this "World Wide Web" and see what I may be missing. Of course, I'll give you MY two-cents, but you can decide for yourself if you really care.

1) Keifer Sutherland popped for DUI...AGAIN! - Ok, we all know Keifer likes his libations and often this leads to hiccups in judgement. For instance, how can we forget how when Sutherland was so blasted, he decided to Jack Bauer a Christmas tree. Oh, you missed that? Here you go!


2) Milton Bradley tears knee up, ending his season...While arguing! - Bradley is an overrated, controversial player, who even when he's playing nice still gets hosed. Some call it bad luck...I call it Karma - ain't it a bitch?


3) Swedish game show host RALPHS on air - This one makes complete sense. Obviously, Eva Nazemson (host) had a "Royale with Cheese" for lunch and just forgot to purge. It's Sweden! If this chick gains two pounds, she's replaced! She was just thinking of job security.

Summer Is Over?!?!?!?

I should have seen this coming. All the signs were there, and apparently I was in such denial that I just ho-hummed through September. Apparently Summer ENDED yesterday! You know, when the Patriot's picked up Randy Moss this past Spring, I was only joking about bypassing the Summer. Well, friends, my wish came true because the Summer is over and all I can do is shake my head and say, "What happened?"

I compiled a list of things that I conveniently ignored, that really would have softened this blow. I'm sure many of you noticed all these transitions and were fully prepared for another Summer's demise. I can only hope that before I find myself waking up to 12 inches of snow that I have to shovel, that ONE of you warns me about winter!

Top Ten Reason Why I Should Have Known Summer Was Over:
10) Women in the city are walking around in Uggs.
9) Brady to Moss...again, and again, and again, and it COUNTS!
8) I helped my father-in-law close up the pool.
7) It's fricking freezing in the morning.
6) A family of turkeys were frolicking in my backyard.
5) It's dark out by 6:30 pm.
4) There's an abundance of Octoberfest beers at the packy.
3) I've already purchased my Halloween costume.
2) Everyone I know is going apple picking.
1) My parent's asked me what our Thanksgiving plans were.

Happy Birthday - Lumbergh (aka Gary Cole) Is 51!

You can't deny that when you first saw "Office Space", you thought to yourself, "That Lumbergh guy...he's just like MY boss! Fucking Lumbergh!!!"

Aside from being one of my favorite movie characters to hate, Gary Cole is a prime example of one of those actors who you recognize in a million other movies. Only difference now is when you see him in a movie you say, "Hey, it's that Lumbergh guy!"

To the very few of you who've actually seen the updated "Brady Bunch" movies, Gary Cole played "Mike Brady". A better appearance of Mr. Cole would be as "Cotton McKnight", commentator for The Ocho in "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story". According to IMDB, he's been in a ton of other crap, but there was one credit that kind of stood out. Cole played "Doctor Heichman" in an Etan Cohen short called, "My Wife Is Retarded". If that title doesn't say it all. Of course, The Mrs. is certainly not retarded, but I'm sure there are plenty of husbands out there who suspect theirs are...RRRRRRiiiiiiiiight!

And yes, I'm working this Sunday.

No One Is Safe From OJ!

One of O.J.'s Alleged Victims Suffers Heart Attack

Posted Sep 18th 2007 9:33AM by TMZ

One of the memorabilia dealers who spoke to TMZ Friday about the alleged robbery incident involving O.J. Simpson in Vegas was hospitalized yesterday with chest pains. The Associated Press reported Bruce Fromong was transferred to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. CBS Radio reported Fromong's condition was much worse, and that his heart had stopped and had to be restarted.

I'm sure you all have heard that OJ has been in a little hot water. Unfortunately, I think OJ watched "Ocean's Eleven" one too many times. I'm not sure if the memorabilia that OJ was trying to retrieve was obtained lawfully or not, but Bruce Fromong should have known better not to mess with "The Juice". Having possession of any of OJ's stuff is worse than wearing a tiki you found at a construction site in downtown Hawaii.

Does OJ honestly have enough money left to weasel out of this one? Regardless, here's the lesson learned - Don't Mess With OJ! Put that tip right up there will all the ageless common-sense lessons. Even if he can't getcha, he'll still Getcha. I'm sure that deal he made with Lucifer had something to do with all this, and I fully expect OJ to be reincarnated as evil doll or something. Also, do I smell a book sequel - "If I Did It 2"???

Funny And Obscure Quote Of The Day

"They just jumped on us like a spider monkey," said Chargers fullback Lorenzo Neal.

No one can dispute that the NE Patriots laid a whoopin' on the San Diego Charges on Sunday night, but can anyone other than Lorenzo Neal compare it to being attacked by a spider monkey. The only person who may be able to make this comparison is Nia Simone Scott, but she was mauled by an escaped gorilla! I think a gorilla would do far more damage than a runaway spider monkey, and if you watched the game it looked more like King Kong blowing up Phillip Rivers and L.T.. I hope Neal continues the random animal metaphors. I'd love to hear, "We attacked them like rabid aardvarks!" or "Our defense is as solid as an Emu egg!" Maybe the Krafts should consider a team name change - Go New England Spider Monkeys!!!