Batesy's Warped Sense Of Reality

R.I.P - Corey Haim

2010-03-10T08:41:00.006-05:00

Corey Haim Found Dead
Posted Mar 10th 2010 8:08AM by TMZ Staff
Actor Corey Haim died this morning of an apparent overdose -- possibly accidental -- according to LAPD. He was 38.

Does this really come as a surprise to anyone? What I don't like is the whole "possibly accidental" part of it. When you're shooting up enough smack to take down an elephant, you probably don't stand much of a chance. There was nothing accidental about this. Whoops, I didn't mean to die? You're shooting up heroin! Dying kind of goes hand-in-hand with heroin doesn't it?

UPDATE: Apparently, heroin is not the drug of choice, but rather Mr. Haim had a affinity for pill popping. Maybe it was O.C.'s, also known as...Hillbilly Heroin, so maybe I wasn't wrong with my assumption? In any case, whatever he was consuming, he's still dead deadski.

On an side note, I bet Corey Feldman is dancing in the streets right now. Sure, he'll probably release a statement regarding this "tragic event", but I know it's all ballyhoo. Feldman has been tied to this wastoid for what, 25 years or so? They even made a reality series about "The Two Corey's". Yup, I can almost hear Feldman popping the champagne.

On a brighter note, and for some reason this certainly makes me feel old, Happy 70th Birthday to our good old friend Chuck. Chuck who?????? You may need a roundhouse boot to the temple if you don't know who Chuck is!

Honesty...Honestly???

2010-02-10T09:23:00.002-05:00

I think I have a problem being honest...I think I get a bit embarrassed by being honest. I'm so anxious about being rejected in some way that I'd rather keep things inside or lie about something. Part of it stems from my inability to feel completely comfortable with people. It's weird thinking about how I'll probably live my entire life without anyone truly knowing exactly who I am. For the most part, they'll only know what I want to them to know...but they'll never know that they only know a small percentage of who I am or what I believe...you know? Don't get me wrong, I think I'm the bees knees, a great all-around guy, good friend, loving husband, caring father, haven't secretly murdered anyone, but I do keep A LOT close to the vest.

The reason why I bring all this up and throw myself under the bus is that I feel somewhat guilty. We're trying to enroll The G into the South Shore Charter School. Part of the enrollment process is for a parent to write a letter stating why you child should be enrolled, how your child learns and what you (the parent) are going to do to contribute. I wasn't going to write the letter, basically nixing G's chance to enroll. I was embarrassed to honestly write about my daughter. I didn't want others to know how I felt about her, her education and our relationship. Once I reflected a bit on the potential consequences of me being an introverted knucklehead, I wrote a bare-bones honest letter. I was NOT going to write a "Rah, rah...my kid is the best kid in the world" type solicitation. The letter was due today. The Mrs already dropped it off. I reread it this morning and I glad I was able open up. I thought maybe some of my loyal readers might want to see what I wrote:

Dear South Shore Charter Public School, February 8, 2010

Initially, I was reluctant to write this letter. Maybe it’s because I’m out of practice…I used to write all the time. It seemed much easier for my wife, Aimee, to pass her thoughts along (she can be much more eloquent than I). Then, as I was looking over the S.S.C.P.S’s website I found some inspiration. This is an introduction to myself, my family and our daughter Guinevere.

I decided to reflect on my own scholastic…adventure. I use the term “adventure” because it was more about the uncertainty of each day, rather than the education. Being in a relatively large school population, I found it very easy to get lost and overlooked. Throughout each grade level, it wasn’t difficult to figure out each teacher’s expectations. I was never pushed and got by just fine using minimal efforts. In retrospect, I learned that I didn’t learn a thing and I wasn’t a better person than I started out. Fortunately for me, I was able to get to this point in my life relatively unscathed. I’ve always wondered how much better of a person I would be if I were motivated to learn earlier in life. My biggest fear has been that Guinevere stumbles into the same pitfalls I found myself in. I want “Gwen” to realize that through education, motivation and creativity she can open up opportunities to do anything in life.

It has always been our obligation to be as proactive as possible with Gwen’s education. The 2 years that Gwen has spent at the Braintree Integrated Preschool have been crucial to her educational and social development. Aimee and I have been able to watch Gwen go from a developmental “late-bloomer” to an extremely social, intelligent and gifted little girl. It would be easy to allow Gwen to go to Braintree’s public elementary school (which just so happens to be across the street), but what type of environment are we leaving her in? It would be a sin to think that our job as proactive parents are done. We have witnessed Gwen’s achievements within a creative and interactive learning system. We believe that the S.S.C.P.S.’s philosophy and dedication to student’s development reflects the type of values we want to see instilled in Gwen. Through the S.S.C.P.S, Gwen will not be overlooked, but rather she will feel part of a greater educational community. Gwen thrives when she feels that she is contributing.

We also want Gwen to know that learning goes beyond what is written in educational texts. Living a positive life, being a positive role model, enriching lives and the community around us all are values we want Gwen to learn. As parents, we do our best to teach our children these values, but why can’t they also be cultivated in school? We believe S.S.C.P.S believes in these values and will assist in Gwen’s development as a positive human being; not just a student.

Gwen enjoys a smaller class population. It’s easy for her to get lost without attention or a task to complete. She does her best work when she feels part of the process. Gwen can definitely work independently, but her attention fades within a short period of time. She can be somewhat of a perfectionist, but we would like Gwen to continue to learn that mistakes can be okay; mistakes are educational and part of life. Gwen has showed great talent with art and imagination (which I credit my wife), so she tends to gravitate towards that exclusively. We would like Gwen’s education to diversify so that includes mathematics, language and interpersonal communication. Gwen needs to work and learn with more confidence; that she has the talent and ability to discover achievement even in the face of failure.

Aimee and I intend on continuing to be Gwen’s greatest advocate. We are interested in taking part in and contributing to all S.S.C.P.S. activities. In the past 2 years, we have volunteered and participated in numerous activities run through Gwen’s preschool program. We have raised money through fundraising, are members in the P.T.O. and I’ve even dressed as Spiderman for her school’s Halloween celebration (I have the pictures to prove it). I can not stress enough how important it is to be proactive in Gwen’s development.

Hopefully this has given you a vivid snapshot into our daughter Gwen and why her education is so important to us. We appreciate your consideration for Gwen’s enrollment into the S.S.C.P.S..

Sincerely,
Yours Truly

Keyboard Cat Can't Even Save This Doofus

2010-02-03T15:52:00.001-05:00

Happy Hump Day!

R.I.P. - Howard Zinn

2010-01-28T09:24:00.006-05:00

I had the pleasure of spending some time with Mr. Zinn and his family. Through this interaction, I was also able to take part in the filming of "The People Speak". When people ask me why I don't vote, I usually answer "It's my right NOT to vote", but that's only part of it. The Howard Zinn in me believes that I have no faith in the candidates being voted on. These candidates don't believe in me and my family, so why should I believe in them?

Mr. Zinn rubbed folks the wrong way, because their ignorance would not allow them to hear simple truths. Mr. Zinn believed that there is more to being an American than the color of your skin or how high your paycheck is. Mr. Zinn taught me that "freedom" is a word that many do not understand. Mr. Zinn lived free, believe in freedom and taught that life should not be governed by those with power...power corrupts.

My sincere hope is that Mr. Zinn is in a better place than he left. An icon, a visionary has passed, but hopefully his memory and message will never fade.

Shoo, Shoo Retarded Flu

2010-01-25T08:55:00.006-05:00

The first time I got the flu, I was a Junior in college. I was dating this chick who got the flu, and like any invincible 20-year-old, I went to her place daily to help get her through it. Wouldn't you know that the flu can be contagious? For the next week I was quarantined to the couch in my apartment, living on NyQuil...I thought I was dying!

It's obvious that I survived and over the next few years I got the flu pretty consistently. Finally, one day I was introduced to the flu shot which was being administered free by my employer at the time. Not being a fan of needles, but being even a lesser of a fan of the flu, I signed up and didn't get the flu that year. Every year since I've gotten a flu shot and every year since I've been flu-free...until this year.

Today is Monday and I'm back to work. I'm certainly not operating at 100%, but I'm far better than the bedridden shell of a man that existed less than 48 hours ago. Despite receiving a flu-shot a few months ago and despite my best efforts to stay healthy, I STILL got the flu. I got the flu, I was quarantined to my bedroom, living on NyQuil and thinking that this was the end for Yours Truly. Coincidentally, the kiddos were dealing with matching ear infections and wicked coughs, so The Mrs had her hands full. As you can imagine, when it comes to the family priority list in the face of a household pandemic, Yours Truly comes in 4th (after Fat Cat). I was on my own armed only with flu medication, Gatorade, chicken noodle soup and a T.V. clicker. All bathroom visits had to be previously scheduled to avoid cross contamination. Throughout the day, I uncomfortably watched movies, utilizing our promotional free HBO/Cinemax offer. At night I went in and out of NyQuil consciousness, where even when I was asleep, I still thought I was awake.

Thankfully, the worst is over...for this year anyways. As I laid in bed throughout the weekend, I got very discouraged over the whole flu shot thing. I mean, I got the damn shot, so I should have gone flu-free. Now that I've had time to reflect, here's what I've come up with.

1) This is the first time in the last 9 years that I've gotten the flu - Pretty good ratio!
2) The Mrs claims it's a man-thing, but I certainly fear the Reaper - Need more cowbell!
3) Eventually, my ass is being shipped to an old-folks home - Start taking Waltz lessons!
4) Campbell's chicken noodle soup is the BOMB - But I couldn't stomach another bowl!
5) "In Bruges" and "Slumdog Millionaire" are awesome - Go rent them immediately!

What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger to blog another day!

Magic Beans!!!

2010-01-05T22:05:00.006-05:00

So back in the East Junior High days, elementary school 6th graders were brought together and were introduced into a quasi-almost-ready-for-high-school-education. Unlike our Elementary Sch00ls, we were introduced to "Home rooms" and "Electives". After K-6 type politics, we're introduced to new political factions. Thankfully, this type of integration was a pretty easy adjustment. Sure, we were suddenly introduced to new "townie" kids, but for the most part, they weren't unlike those we already knew. Thus began the story of Bates and Bean...

Immediately, it was easy to see the artistic talent Ms. Bean possessed. Yours Truly was fortunately enough to observe from desk-side doodles to artistic genius. Yours Truly also yearned for "talent" back in those junior high years. I tried music (saxophone) and did alright. I tried art and did alright (compulsive doodler). I found my niche in athletics and gravitated to whatever physical exercise was in the highlight.

Through this period of Junior High life, without getting caught up in the Z-Cavvericci era, I found myself looking into familiar artists. Initially, I was a complete and envious Texiera fan, but I always secretly appreciated work done by Ms. Bean.

Years have gone by...15 years since I've graduated Weymouth High, Class of 1994. You know what it funny??? I am still envious of artistic talent, I married artistic talent, I've been paid for my own artistic talent...and I haven't forgot those who I've been privileged to witness of the years.

So, if you're like Yours Truly and appreciate witty, some-what nostalgic art, you would be well-suited to waste time on this site: http://beandoodling.blogspot.com/.

It's funny because the moment I knew Cara, I knew someone who I would always appreciate crossing paths with. There are those who were put on this Earth to enrich the lives around us...Ms Bean is one of those people!

Happy New Year!!!

Unfortunate Movie Remake

2009-12-22T15:35:00.003-05:00

Pat Morita is rolling over in his grave, but without further ado...

I wonder what Billy Zabka thinks about this, hmmm...

AHHHHHH SHIT!!!

Christmas Mishap - Who's At Fault?

2009-12-18T09:08:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite parts of Christmas is actually going to pick out the tree. I've been going to the same place on Route 18 for the past 8 years and every year I seem to pick a spectacular tree. Now I have no idea what type of tree it is - Balsam Fir, Scottish Pine, etc...it doesn't matter. Just like a Jedi, I reach out with my feelings and BAM the tree presents itself. I also enjoy the haggling aspect of the whole experience. I know you put those color-coded ribbons on the trees, but I don't see numbers written on them. You say the "blues" are $40, I think they look more like $30...we settle on $35 and the kid gets a $5 tip (provided he gives it a fresh cut and straps it to the roof). Win-Win.

Everything that happens once that tree is strapped to the roof of the car is a complete pain in the tookus. You have to cut the twine off, get sap all over your hands, get the damn thing through the door, putting the tree in the stand and standing back every 2 seconds to make sure it's straight...it's all a nightmare. Saying that, I can complete understand the aggravation from this guy when he comes home and finds himself on candid camera. Instead of hoping for a "Funniest Home Videos" moment, why don't you clear the area a little, go get the tree-stand out of the basement, MAYBE move your precious vase so it doesn't get demolished???

What I don't get though it that the dude totally goes from all, "Get out da way bitch" to "I'm sorry...I didn't know...please don't beat me!" If that's how you're going to react in this situation, you might as well take off that Superbowl Champion Patriots jacket and put on a pink Red Sox hat. Man up and say what's really on your mind, "That vase was a piece of shit and I did the living-room a favor!" You can also totally tell by this woman's reaction that this is not the first time she's called her husband an "idiot", nor do I think it will be the last. Honestly, what's worse than your wife calling you an "idiot", and actually meaning it? So who's at fault? I'd say they both are - the wife for being a bipolar, fire hazard and the husband for forgetting his nuts at the alter when he married this broad.

All I Want For Christmas...

2009-12-14T08:34:00.006-05:00

This morning I woke up and felt good. Really good! I know it's Monday, back to work, 5 days until the weekend...but it's also another day closer to Christmas. In years past, the kid in me has always had his heart set upon something. Some gadget, game or other novelty, and like all novelties they usually wore off. The PSP system was great! I could play on the train, at home, on the crapper, but eventually (like a month or two later) it was just boring. This year, without fail, brought the usual questions of what does Yours Truly WANT for Christmas? As far as I'm concerned, all that I want...I already have. In fact, Santa has already visited my house and here's the proof:
Could I sit here and provide a laundry list of do-dads that may or may not come in handy? Sure, but do I really NEED them? I can tell you that all that I NEED is with me all day, every day. In 11 days all that is going to matter is the excitement on my kids faces. I'm even looking forward to seeing The Mrs when she discovers that "Santa" hasn't forgotten her. WE decided not to buy each other gifts, but "Santa" never signed off on any cease-and-desist. Without opening one gift, I'll already have one of the greatest presents of all.

The other "gift" I've received early (don't be jealous...it's just I've been a better boy this year) is something I've looked forward to do for a long time. Ultimately my fascination comes from Best-Man speeches. I've been witness to a good handful, and I always felt that I could come up with a real kickass one. I suppose I've always just appreciated those choosen to be ushers, bridesmaids; members of the "wedding party". What greater honor to bestow upon a chum, right? There was a time when I had to choose 5 friends...FIVE...to help represent me at my wedding. In retrospect, I know that I chose wisely although it's easy to see how someone's circle of friends can change over 7 years...thankfully mine has only changed in addition rather than subtraction. I've been asked to be part of not one, but TWO weddings in 2010! Both grooms-to-be are currently card-carrying members of the Superfriends and their "better halves" are as well.

So lets see...I've got an awesome family, I've got awesome friends, I've got my health (finally), my jobs (notice the plural), and a partidge in a pear tree (we call him Birdie the bird). Currently, all things are coming up Millhouse and when you think about it, what more could you actually ask for? Merry Christmas and if you're feeling a little Bah Humbug, just remember these wise words from good-ole Clark Griswold:

I'm Back...From Outta Space!

2009-11-24T09:57:00.008-05:00

I know, I know Mr. Nits, it has been far too long (20 days to be exact), but now I'm back in business. In my blogging absence, I've been working diligently on my latest and possibly greatest endeavour - my 15 year high school reunion. What? You didn't know I was a class officer? I wasn't...I couldn't even get a date to the prom! So how does yours truly go from just another face in the high school crowd to savior of the Thanksgiving reunion tradition? Easy...two kids lights a fire under your ass to seize ANY opportunity for a night out.

Despite my infinite confidence, planning an event of such magnitude felt a little much to take on solo. Thankfully, my partner Mr. Gill was more than willing and able to lend a hand. Together we forged a union I passionately refer to as...

That's actually not true...but it should be. So together Mr. Gill and I started the process of reaching out to as many Class of 1994 folk as possible. What better outlet than Facebook, right? The plan was foolproof until I realized that Facebook has some crazy anti-creepy-stalker-person security that basically put my account on lock down. The other stumbling block were the peeps who kept rejecting my "friend requests". Come on...we graduated together and even though we never spoke a syllable in high school, we're practically 4th cousins-twice removed.

Next on the agenda was the location. Since my crib's capacity is only about 7, we needed to find a larger venue. Enter Hajjar's which, unbeknownst to me, has a secret function hall that hold 250 people. How this fact eluded me for the past 12 years since I've been frequenting this establishment will forever be a mystery. Next, we needed some entertainment...besides the expected antics of some reunion attendees. Lucky for us, my favorite tattoo artist also moonlights as a DJ. The easier this reunion became to plan, the more confident Mr. Gill and I got. Why don't we call in some favors and get some prizes to raffle away? Boom...we got hooked up from Bruins tickets to Tennessee BBQ gift certificates (obviously!). How are we going to document all the shenanigans? Wham...Group Photo Booth (courtesy of my bro-in-law) that's how!

So in the span of about 20 days or so, we've created an event which will probably go down as the highlight of 2009. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if some celebrities tried to get past the velvet rope. So here we go, the reunion is three days from now and everything is on cruise control. Alls I's gots to do is bring it on Friday, and with my hot wife in tow that shouldn't be a problem. My only worry is alcohol-induced hooliganism and unfortunately The Mrs refuses to be Head of Security...a title I honestly thought she would embrace. So, my faith will reside in the Spirit of High School Reunions and everyone will have a wonderful time, drive home safe and dream about one of the best nights of their entire lives. Hey, THIS guy can dream, can't he???

DISCLAIMER:

Jim Nantz Has To Pay How Much???

2009-11-04T11:32:00.005-05:00

CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz must pay $916,000 yearly in alimony and child support to his ex-wife and give up their Connecticut home under terms of a newly issued divorce decree. The ruling dissolves the 26-year marriage of Nantz and Ann-Lorraine “Lorrie’’ Carlsen Nantz. It comes after both testified about the breakdown of their marriage; Judge Howard Owens concluded neither was at fault. Although Nantz, 50, acknowledged he started dating a 29-year-old woman before the divorce was final, the judge concluded the marriage deteriorated years earlier and “this remote event in no way contributed to the breakdown of the marriage.’’ Under the ruling, Nantz must pay $72,000 in alimony monthly until he dies or his ex-wife remarries, and another $1,000 weekly in child support for the next two years. (Boston Globe)

So, let me get this straight...as long as "Lorrie" doesn't remarry or Nantz croaks, this chick is get $72,000 per month...for nothing, nada, sit-on-her-ass-zilch? She get paid more per month then I do per year...working two jobs! Don't give me the 26-years has got to be worth something argument either. I'm sure despite any marriage woes, she was living a pretty comfy lifestyle. You know damn straight she's not getting remarried either. That's like being a CEO for a Fortune 500 company only to quit to work at Friendly's because they have a better benefit package.

Man, if this isn't a lesson to all the rich celebrities out there. Either stay a swinging bachelor or make sure that pre-nup is concrete. Also Judge Owens has to stop bullshitting when he concluded neither were at fault. You make a dude shell out almost a mil per year to his ex...4-LIFE...that pretty much screams, "You Effed Up, Bro!"

Has Halloween Gone Too Far?

2009-10-22T13:13:00.004-04:00

CLICK ON IMAGE ABOVE TO ENLARGE & READ

Now this is certainly bold. You can't say Halloween doesn't bring out the creativity in people...sick, but still creative. Well, this certainly goes to prove my point to The Mrs. that Halloween (to adults) is more than girls in slutty costumes. I mean, never would I have thought to reach out to the amputee community for a volunteer, to strap to my back as C-3PO, while I wore a Wookie costume. SURE, I thought of putting a helmet and shades on Junior, strapping him to my back and braking out the Gun Show as Master Blaster from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, but exploiting amputees might be going a tad too far.

What Is Wrong With Some Parents?

2009-10-19T12:22:00.002-04:00

I've never claimed to be the perfect parent. Sure, I own and wear a t-shirt that states I'm the World's Best Dad, but that was back in 2006. Being a parent is the hardest, maddening and most rewarding job I've ever held. In 4 1/2 years, I hit the highs and lows when I comes to parenting. I've actually felt like the best dad ever and I've felt like a complete failure. I've openly threatened to ship my kids off to China and there are times when I couldn't be more proud of their accomplishments...no matter how small.

I've learned that there will be no greater teacher in my children's live than The Mrs. and I. That being said, I take it personally when The G, for example, shoves a pencil eraser way up her nose. It's my responsibility to train the kids how not to get themselves killed...seriously! Personally, I can't remember how invincible I probably thought I was at 4, but the fact of the matter is toddler muscle isn't immune to oncoming traffic.

All that said, I feel bad for a lot of children I read about in newspapers and unfortunately sometimes witness first-hand. I used to think to be a good parent, you should allow plenty of space to create individuality. Now, I think the biggest mistake we can make is by ignoring the unknown. First off, kids are sponges and they're sucking it all in. Second, the world is full of creeps. Lastly, shit happens. I'm not saying that I'm going to be up my kid's asses 24/7, but you can be damn sure The Mrs. and I will (to the best of our ability) be lurking, listening, inquiring, assisting and watching the safety and well-being our greatest gifts. We're going to make mistakes, but the point is minimizing the mistakes, learning from them and teaching how not repeat history. The G and Junior are our legacy and I certainly don't want them to someday muff up the same way we did.

Unfortunately, a lot of parents don't get that. Then you get videos like above. Where the hell do kids learn those moves? They were busting out stuff I'd be too scared to suggest to The Mrs. we replicate for there's a good chance I'd get a knuckle sandwich! Do you think ANY of these kids have ANY shot to grow up normally. Instead of worrying so much about swine flu or global warming, why not campaign to teach parents not to be so retarded? Maybe by not teaching our 7 year-olds that smacking that ass in an all out simulated gang-bang, some of our children can go onto discovering cures for cancer or reducing carbon emissions. I don't know...it's easy to watch this and say, "I'm not doing that bad of a job", but I also wonder which one of these delinquents are going to be the one to grow up and hurt one my kids, because they weren't taught right.

End Rant.

R.I.P. - Captain Lou Albano

2009-10-14T13:15:00.003-04:00

If you were a red-blooded American boy growing up in the 80's, you were probably a fan of the WWF. As far as wrestling personalities go, Captain Lou was up there with the zaniest. The guy wore elastics all over his face and went on incredible rants that usually made Mean Gene scratch his bald melon. Aside from the WWF, Captain Lou could be found in movies, music videos and other mainstream media outlets, but who could forget Captain Lou's riviting portrayal as...

Largest Dead Snake Ever Found!

2009-10-13T09:19:00.000-04:00

That's a BIG snake!

Who The Heck Is That???

2009-10-07T15:36:00.007-04:00

I guarantee you know who this is, but you just don't think you do. It's okay, I didn't know who he was a first either and neither will you. What I can tell you is that he's the director of some new movie out called "Couples Retreat", but that's not how you know him. You know him SO well that I'm willing to bet that you see him every year...sometimes a couple times per year. Ready to find out who he is? Scroll down and have a look-see...

Keep Going

Holy crap, it's Ralphie from "A Christmas Story". Well what do you know? Apparently, he's Vince Vaughn's best friend since they were kids. I would have thought this dude would have milked all the Christmas Story royalties til he croaked. Ted Turner must be paying this kid millions since every Christmas this movie is all over his stations...some working 24/7! I guess he just got bored. Since we're talking about "A Christmas Story" and without being TOO politically incorrect, I've also included probably my favorite scene from this holiday classic...Enjoy!

Stupid Sexy Flanders!

2009-10-02T14:39:00.004-04:00

Thankfully this week went by really fast and we're on the cusp of the weekend! Wait, I have to work tomorrow in the Fish Bowl and then after I have to work all night at Tennessee's...DAMN IT!!!

Tonight we have the baptism rehearsal for Junior. I don't really understand why we need to rehearse. Dunk the melon, couple "Our Fathers", and then crack some brews at the after-party. That reminds me, I have to figure out what I'm feeding people. I don't even know how many mouths I'm feeding. I could have swore there were RSVP-thingys on the invites. Maybe I'll just order pizza. No sense slaving over a culinary masterpiece if the only people there are my parents and the Superfriends; I mean they're not picky. Then again, I haven't put on a spread in a while...hmmmmm...

This is how effing bored I am! I'm mulling recipe options, work motivation is at -78, minding is wandering erratically...I'm in full blown ADHD mode! Well screw it because it's still Friday, and it's not ANY Friday...

VAN DAMME FRIDAY!!!

You can't believe your eyes, but it's really VAN DAMME FRIDAY!

Don't be afraid to cut a little rug, because it's VAN DAMME FRIDAY!

Not excited about VAN DAMME FRIDAY? Well, the muscles from Brussels has a little something for YOU!

I KNEW This Was Going To Happen

2009-09-23T10:12:00.006-04:00

Bianca de la Garza and David Wade broadcast their split

News couple Bianca de la Garza and David Wade are calling it quits. The local morning anchors, who have been married for 12 years and work for competing stations - she’s with WCVB-TV (Channel 5), he’s with WBZ-TV (Channel 4) - confirmed the split yesterday through manager Mendes Napoli.

I used to watch these two interact with each other when they were both anchors on FOX 25 News. Wade was the hotshot co-anchor, while Bianca was the roving reporter. I could never figure out how these two were a couple. Hot chicks don't swoon over David Wade, but I think I've figured it out. As the story goes, both split from Fox and are now anchors on competing news shows. Some would theorize that this type of rivalry would easily tear a couple apart. There is another factor here that everyone is forgetting...The Maria Stephanos Factor!

Maria Stephanos was the OTHER co-anchor of Fox 25 News when both Wade and Bianca were with the station. For years I watched Maria and Wade canoodle with each other, which must have driven Bianca bananas with lust. Jealousy is like an aphrodisiac to chicks. Now Wade is co-anchors with Jack Williams and the marriage goes into the crapper. Coincidence? I don't think so...and don't give me any "Well, there's also Paula Ebben" backtalk. She tries the old too-much-makeup-cougar look, but she can't hold a candle to Maria Stephanos.

According to the report, a source says this wasn't Wade's idea and that he's all broken up...well DUH! Take it from a guy who married up, if The Mrs. ever calls it quits on me, your damn right I'm going to be sad. How would I ever find another girl who could put up with my shinanegans??? Not happening!

What Is More Scary???

2009-09-17T11:56:00.005-04:00

Ms. Piggy and Kermit the Frog

OR...

Lady Gaga and Kermit the Frog!?!?

So Lady Gaga's date to the Video Music Awards (VMA's) was Kermit the Frog. Let me allow you to digest that for a second...Kermit...The...Frog. I'll tell you one thing, Ms. Piggy must be pissed! I saw Kermit and Piggy get married on "The Muppets Take Manhattan", and now here's Kermit, out and about with Lady Gaga? How did TMZ not catch wind of this? Kermit and Piggy must have been having some marital issues to lead to this; maybe some domestic disputes? Well, I for one think this is a bigger travesty then Jon and Kate Gosselin, and I demand that Kermit take responsibility for his actions...the two-timing toad!

UPDATE: Apparently, Kermit the Frog is denying any wrong-doing to People.com (link included). He claims he was merely giving Lady Gaga a ride. Well my friends, Da Nile is not just a river in Egypt.

Brutal Knockout Leads To Scary Face & Weird Dance

2009-09-14T09:09:00.006-04:00

Fighter Knocked Out With Epic Face - Watch more Funny Videos

Holy crap! If "Smokey" were in the room, he would have said, "You got knocked the fuck out!" And this, my friends, is why Yours Truly is no longer a Muay Thai Boxer. Not only was the dude out on his feet after the skull-crushing punch, but he also got a nice boot to the chops to send him straight into Exorcist-face.

Damn that is scary!!! It's too bad that he wasn't clobbered again, because he would have shot right past Exorcist-face and into Hulkster mode...you know what happens then!

How Many Imposters Are In The United States?

2009-09-11T15:16:00.003-04:00

And the results are...

First Place - Yours Truly!

HowManyOfMe.com

There are

people with my name in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Second Place - Mr. Leo

HowManyOfMe.com

There are

people with my name in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Third Place - The Mrs.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are

people with my name in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Last and certainly not least, especially considering she is the ONLY person with her name in the United States!?!? Is that even possible??? I don't care, because there truly is only one Lil G!

HowManyOfMe.com

There are

or fewer people with my name in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

2009-09-09T08:30:00.002-04:00

The Mrs. loves to dance. She loves to dance so much that she forcing The G to love to dance. Also, for the past 10 years, she's always complaining about how she wants an afro...or is it cornrows...maybe it's dreadlocks. Let's just assume she wants an afro. Well sweetie, I've come through once again!

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Labor Day's WTF Fight Scene!

2009-09-07T14:49:00.003-04:00

There are some crazy fight scenes in movies right? Jacky Chan, Jet Li, Van Damme, Keanu Reeves...yeah, I said Keanu Reeves...yes THE Keanue Reeves...whatever, I like The Matrix trilogy. Anyways, I came across this doosy from a movie called "Hard Ticket to Hawaii". Apparently, some bad guys from Sweden or Iceland decide to setup their stronghold in the Aloha state and they don't take kindly to frisbee-toting outsiders who have a keen eye for the ba-dunk-a-dunk. See for yourself...

Guess What This Girl Is Doing?

2009-09-04T12:27:00.008-04:00

It's Friday, so I thought a little guessing game might speed up the day. Over to the left is a young lady. For the sake of the game, lets call her "Mandy". Why hello Mandy...whatever are you doing? Mandy wants you to know, but first wants you to guess. What could Mandy be doing? She could be checking her email. She could be looking for a phillips-head screwdriver. She could being mixing her favorite libation before she hits the town with friends. Mandy certainly is doing something...but what?

Have you made a guess yet?

Just scroll down a bit further to reveal what Mandy is up to. In case you were wondering this IS safe for work...I guess.

Keep going...

I know, I know...That was your SECOND guess!

Fall Film Preview!

2009-09-03T10:14:00.003-04:00

I'm all for summer blockbuster. I love stuff blowing up as much as the next guy. The thing about Summer blockbusters though is that I can pretty much wait until they're out on DVD. There usually is no, "Holy crap I HAVE to pay $18 to see that movie!" The Fall, on the other hand, always seems to bring a handful of films that I'm willing to skip the gym and take an extended lunch-break to see. The Mrs. hates my taste is cinema and there's no way she's allowing me to go the movies on the weekend leaving her with the kids...No Way! Anywho, for those of you who are unaware of upcoming Fall films, here's a little preview of what to start saving your nickles for. You can also click each movie title to go their official site; trailers and other fun stuff.

1) Zombieland (October 2nd) - First off, Woody Harrelson is SO underrated. Cross "Natural Born Killers" with "Shaun of the Dead" and add a little Bill Murray as a zombie. Pure comedic, horror genius.

2) The Road (October 16th) - If you haven't read the book, I highly suggest it; the novel won the Pulitzer for fiction. Post-apocalyptic tale of a father and son traveling, surviving, trying to make sense of the "new" world...searching for hope.

3) Where The Wild Things Are (October 16th) - Beloved children's book. I'm more excited about taking The G to see this rather than Toy Story 1 and 2 (3D). Looks like Spike Jonze has really captured the essence of the book.

4) Boondock Saints 2 (November 1st) - Original cast and they've added Judd Nelson, Peter Fonda and extended scenes with Billy Connolly as the Father "Deuce" MacManus. Love that it's set in Boston. The red band trailer sealed the deal for me. Make sure you're over 18 before watching kids!

Watch Out All You Smelly People!

2009-09-02T11:38:00.005-04:00

Honolulu seeking to ban 'BO' on buses - September 2, 2009
HONOLULU --Stinky city bus riders soon could get soaked. The Honolulu City Council is considering a bill that would impose up to a $500 fine and/or up to six months in jail for public transit passengers convicted of being too smelly.

Mr. M.P. most observantly pointed out that it's been too long since my last blog post. Honestly, I've been rather uninspired...until NOW. Seeing how I am a slave to the MBTA, the article above might be the most ingenious proposition in the history of mankind. Monday through Friday, twice a day I am accosted by hordes of stinky people also taking their daily commute.

I'm not just even talking about the bums, like our stinky friend Spare-Change Guy (above). I'm talking about illegal Asians who must figure out how to use a toothbrush. I'm talking about the growing population of Faxon Common Indian folk who must all use "Musty Attic Deodorant"...wait, they DON'T use deodorant?!?! I'm talking about the South Shore's finest who sweat whisky and smell of stale weed at 7:55 a.m., rushing to some Southie dive.

Just like Air Marshals, we should have Public Transit Marshals. Park one of these officers on each Red Line train car and have walk up and down. Hopefully a $500 ticket will help you reassess you personal hygiene. Perhaps 6 months in the clink will compel you pick up a bar of soap...and you better not drop it. Now I know what some of you are going to say...

You certainly do. You have the right to shower OR bathe. You have the right to brush your teeth. You have the right to throw on some Old Spice. And if you don't, you have the right to remain silent. Seems like a no-brainer to me. Bravo to you, Hawaii! Finally you are proving yourself worthy of being one of the 50 states.

Vintage 80's Commercial/PSA

2009-08-21T09:11:00.005-04:00

Those Mormons had a nice run of memorable commercials in the 80's. They also had the foresight to cast a pre-Michael Jackson, pre-Silver Spoons, pre-Carlton from Fresh Prince, Alfonso Ribeiro as the inner-city hoodlum with a affinity for show-tunes. The Mormons though must have thought the folks in the 80's were pretty morally corrupt though...all their Public Service Announcements were about telling the truth. Now people in the 80's might have been coke-loving, John Hughes (R.I.P.) watching, Wang-Chunging, fashion-misfits, but it's pretty harsh to assume they were all liars. How come we didn't see any P.S.A. commercials regarding polygamy? Apparently, it's okay to keep a harem of women holed up in your Utah cabin, but you're going to hell if you take off running because your paper route isn't going to cover the costs of some geezers broken window. Thankfully, Alfonso saw the light and decided to live the REAL American dream - Big Macs and monogamous underage relationships!

Virtual Road Rage Solution?

2009-08-19T09:33:00.002-04:00

This almost makes me want to get an iPhone. Knowing myself though I'd totally abuse this iPhone application. I'd be whipping it out on the Red Line, in the office, at my grandmother's 85 birthday party...I'd be virtually killing everyone.

Greatest Picture Of All Time?

2009-08-07T14:45:00.004-04:00

I want this picture framed and hanging in Leo's room for the next 18 years! No wonder Wilt the Stilt bedded all those women...look at the company he keeps and check out those fancy duds.

What Do Larry Bird's Jersey & Yours Truly Have In Common?

2009-08-06T08:15:00.006-04:00

The number 33. I'm actually finding it hard to believe that I'm this old. I look at old pictures of my uncles and they look more like "adults" at 28 than I do at 33. They say that our 30's are the NEW 20's. I guess that despite my age, I still actually feel young. Hell, I've been married almost 7 years, I have two pissah kids (one of which is 4), so I should look and feel like a walking corpse at 33 right? It's quite the opposite, which I suppose comes with it's drawbacks. The Mrs. seems to get quite annoyed when I'm rough-housing with the G or throwing myself all over the soccer pitch, only to come home battered and bruised. It's not even like I'm trying to hold onto any fleeting moments of irresponsible youth. I KNOW I can't hang like I used to. I've got 2 jobs to maintain, 2 kids to entertain and the damn grass isn't gonna cut itself.

This makes me wonder how I'm going to feel at 40...or 50...or 60? My grandparents are in their 80's kicking it in Florida, playing golf everyday. I can do that! Bottom line is that life is moving at break-neck speed and I'm enjoying the ride. I see too many miserable people, living miserable lives and you know what happens...they have a heart attack, then sayonara. Fuck That! I feel just fine that I still get carded...for scratch tickets. I'm glad I bust my ass to stay in shape...yes, that means extra chest. I know Death doesn't discriminate, but I'm not going to make it easy. My other grandmother (not the one in Florida) has smoked cigarettes and drank everyday for the last 60 or so years and she's not slowing down at 85. Based on my figures, I should at least clear the century mark and that's still 67 years away.

So Happy Birthday to me and "Thanks" to my friends for all my birthday wishes. The way I see it, I'm like a fine wine (not the type that comes in a box - although it's still delicious!), I'm only getting better with age. In fact, you look into a crystal ball 67 years from now and this is what you'll see:

The Gun Show Still Going Strong!

What Is More Scary???

2009-07-29T14:42:00.006-04:00

Heath Ledger as The Joker

OR...

Christian Bale as The Joker???

Apparently, Mr. Bale has emaciated himself to play Dicky Eklund in Marky Mark's upcoming film, "The Fighter". It seems that Dicky Eklund fancies the crack and meth...who would have thought of someone who was known as "The Pride of Lowell"?

90's Sitcom Supporting Character Chick

2009-07-29T12:18:00.005-04:00

So last night The Mrs. and I are settling down for some Box-O and T.V. before bed. Apparently, after "Hell's Kitchen" there is officially nothing on, unless you want to watch Fox's newest reality show "More To Love". On a side note to the "More To Love" producers - I know pleasantly plump men and women deserve love too, but do we really need a show that's a cross between Rock-of-Love and the Biggest Loser. Of the 20 women "contestants", none of which weighed less than 250lbs, 18 of them made out with lonely chubby guy in the first episode. Come on...this guy obviously isn't Bret Michaels... not even the Bret Michaels of fat guys!

The Mrs. decided upon a show called "The Dish". "The Dish" is basically "Talk Soup" without as much funny commentary from the host/hostess. The hostess of "The Dish" started our late night controversy. Immediately upon seeing the hostess, I stated, "Hey! That's Topanga from "Boy Meets World!" To which The Mrs. replied, "Yeah and she was the best friend on "Blossom." HOLD THE PHONE! Despite my desperate pleas that these were completely different actresses, The Mrs. wouldn't back down. It must be a female thing, but when you're a mid-teen male in the 90's, you know the difference between Danielle Fishel's "Topanga" and Jenna Von Oy's "Six LeMeure". Normally with The Mrs. I would silently agree to disagree, but such a transgression can not be ignored. My only other guess is because of the interesting character names that they get lumped together, but come on these are clearly different women, right???

SIX (90's Version and Current Version):

TOPANGA (90's Version and Current Version):

How Similar Are These 90's Sitcom Icons?(survey software)

Amusement Park Legacy

2009-07-27T10:54:00.010-04:00

This upcoming weekend I'm taking The Fam on a road trip. We're waking up early on Saturday, packing up the Mariner and heading North. Our traditional summer weekend jaunt down to the polo matches in Portsmouth, RI has been replaced with The White Mountains of New Hampshire. We're going to brave the Kangamangus Highway. We're going to risk run-in's with wild moose, deer or hippies on their way to Saco River. Yes, we're taking the kids to Storyland.

To be honest, I didn't even know what the hell Storyland was up until a couple years ago. You see, when I was a youth, we didn't have to travel such a perilous journey to indulge and Pre-K fun. All anyone on the South Shore had to do in the early 80's is just jump on good-ole' Route 18 and head down to Whitman. There you would find KING'S CASTLE LAND!

Apparently in an age before trademark infringement, King's Castle Land was the one place a kid could go to hang with Yogi Bear, the 7 dwarfs, King Kong, Frankenstein, the 3 Little Pigs, Alfred E. Newman and a slew of other Disney, Hanna Barbera, random licensed characters. Thinking back, I'm sure at any point one of the "rides" could have lost a bolt and sent a child plummeting to their death, but I think that added to the adventure. There were fire-breathing dragons and Paul Bunyan...it was a complete mish-mash of crap the owners believed would keep the kids coming...and we did. To top it all off, instead of a chincy gift shop, King's Castle Land had a full blown toy store that put Child World to shame.

Now that the G is 4.25 years old, it is her turn to experience the rite of passage that is out-dated cheap amusement park fun. Unfortunately for King's Castle Land, it was closed and torn down starting around 1994...now it's a Super Stop & Shop complete with gas pumps (I cringe every time I fill up the car there). Hopefully she is old enough where she'll retain the memories that surely will come from this trip. Maybe one day, when G has children of her own and I am living out the good life in Florida minus the Mrs. (god rest her soul), she'll be able to partake in such an expedition. I also assume that by then The Disney Corporation will have finally taken over the United States and the Shore Shore Plaza will be replaced with Disney New England. I actually started a savings account for the entrance fee. I figure by then that a family of four can get into the park for roughly $3,500.

Can This Possibly Be Real?

2009-07-23T09:28:00.008-04:00

Note To All The Superfriends: You know when I said that I'd take a bullet for you...well, I didn't mention anything about an arrow.

This can't be real, right? I know folks in the US are pretty conservative compared to other countries. I mean, for the most part our women shave their legs and armpits. The men have the courtesy of NOT wearing a speedo at the beach. I think this goes way beyond any cultural differences we have with other countries. If someone suggested doing a stunt like this on "America's Got Talent" it would definitely be shot down right (no pun intended)? If it is real, then these guys MUST have had some cocktails before the audition to calm the nerves. How about arrow-shooter-guy continuing to aim to his victim when he went to get the can off the desk? You're telling me the shooter is so focused that his fingers couldn't slip and nail that blond chick right between her hairy pits?

Facial Tattoo Leads To Arrest

2009-07-22T12:28:00.006-04:00

TAMPA - It wasn't particularly hard for the victims of a Riverview home invasion to identify the burglar. He was the only one with an outline of the state of Florida tattooed on his face, authorities say.

In addition to the Florida tattoo, Sean Roberts also has the words "Crazy Cracker" written or tattooed on his head, Hillsborough County sheriff's spokesman J.D. Callaway said.

There was a time when the Mrs. desperately wanted to move to Florida. We had just returned from a week-long vacation at my parent's home in Fort Pierce, and I think the climate change caused her to snap. In some respects I don't blame her. Snow sucks, shoveling snow blows, and raking leaves...well, I don't rake leaves; they don't keep me from getting places.

The thing the Mrs. failed to realize is that living in Florida is WAY different than visiting Florida, unless you are my grandparents who golf everyday. Florida is the state you go to when you just say fuck it all. Floridians are either retired transplants or potential criminals. Take "Crazy Cracker" for instance. He wouldn't be able to hack Massachusetts living. If he tried to rob anyone 12 years or older from the Greater Boston Area, his ass would get a beatdown. He probably wouldn't even make it out of Logan without getting his ass whupped for tattooing Florida on his face. In fact, I bet this would be the kid to do it...

Now I'm no criminal mastermind, but maybe "Crazy Cracker" would be a better burgler if he spent a winter up here shoveling my driveway. At the very least he'd learn what a ski mask was.

You Make My Dreams Come True!

2009-07-20T15:36:00.004-04:00

I'm probably the last person who has heard of the internet phenomenon that is Keyboard Cat, but I have to say that I can't get enough. Perhaps it's because I'm a cat lover. Googling Keyboard Cat will pull up thousands of hits, mostly containing video blunders that result in Keyboard Cat's mocking tune. The mash-up above of Keyboard Cat/Hall & Oates takes it to a new level. Keyboard Cat is the missing link to that 80's pop duo. Don't get me wrong, Hall & Oates were no schlubs, but imagine how many more records they would have sold if Keyboard Cat was a full-time contributor.

Speaking of mash-up's...I happen to be fan. I enjoy watching how someone interprets seemly opposite things and creates something fun and new. Have you seen "The Shining" made out to be a fun family film? Gold! I have to admit though, this latest mash-up I've stumbled upon kind of creeps me out. I'm not sure if it's from Rick Astley's dance moves or the fact that the two songs work so well together. I'll let you be the judge...

Stop...Vader Time!

2009-07-17T11:13:00.005-04:00

Damn! Darth Vader has got some moves. I would have thought being a cyborg would have some drawbacks in the getting-down department. He must use some serious WD-40 on those joints. Also, he must be using some Jedi mind trick on the Stormtroopers. Everyone knows that Stormtroopers are a bunch of cloned buffoons who can't stay keep out of each other's way, let alone inanimate objects.

The fact that Vader is such a big M.C. Hammer fan makes complete sense. Hammer has got Dark Side written all over him and his rise/fall is eerily similar to the rise/fall of the Empire.

Peanuts! Get Ya Peanuts Here!

2009-07-16T09:00:00.007-04:00

There was an old SNL sketch involving Mike Myers called "Coffee Talk with Linda Richman". Every episode while "Linda" was busy being "verklempt", she would give the audience a topic to discuss. My personal favorite? "A peanut is neither a pea nor a nut...Discuss."

To some this statement may seem riduculous; of course a peanut is a nut. That's what the peanut WANTS you to believe. In fact, a peanut is actually a legume. Another fun fact about a legume, or in this case a peanut, is that it's considered a fruit. "Like hell", you say, but it's true. That PB & J you had for lunch? Fruit on fruit...that's double the fruit! Not to mention that peanuts pack in tons of protein, amino acids and Omega-3's. Think about that next time your at a Sox game. You can eat all the peanuts you want and when some dude says, "Hey, that's your 4th bag of peanuts!" You can tell him, "Have another hot dog, fatty! I'm eating some fruit to support a healthy diet." Just make sure he doesn't see the 8 empty beer cups at your feet.

So why all this information regarding peanuts? Well, anyone who knows THIS guy, knows that I freaking love peanuts. Even at a early age I would eat the MOST peanuts; shell and all. "What? You eat the shell?!?" Damn skippy (get it?)! I wouldn't eat the shells alone, but there's something delicious about the shell matched with the peanuts. I like to think that's it's upping my fiber intake...you can never get enough fiber. Now with any addiction there comes some pesky obstacles that may or may not get you into some hot-water...one of which inspired this blog.

1) They're messy - Most normal people crack the shell open and eat the inner peanuts. Cracking the the shell and disposing of the shell can create quite a mess. Check out the floor next time you go to the Texas Roadhouse...those aren't cockroaches under every step you take.

2) Peanut allergies can KILL YOU - I thought that peanut love was heredity, so when I gave (2-month old) Leo a little taste of peanut butter, I was flabbergasted at the scolding a received from The Mrs. Thus, peanut addicts with peanut allegies tend to have short life-spans.

3) Peanuts are easily contaminated - One word: Salmonella! If you got all day to hang out on the crapper with chills and diarrhea, then grab a 5lb bag of expired peanuts and dig in!

Normally, I pretty much in the clear when it comes to the above three obstacles. I eat a lot of shells, eliminating most of the mess, I'm not dead yet, and I check the date on the bag of peanuts that I'm consuming. If a bad nut sneaks in, well that's out of my control and I'll fully accept the gut-wrenching mess that's to come. So, when I come into work today and see that someone has left me what APPEARS to be a delicious bag of Bazzini's Fresh Roasted Peanuts, I'm immediately suspicious. One quick check of the expiration dates shows "April 21, 2009"...almost 3 months past due! Is it obvious to you now what has prompted this blog???

Someone is trying to kill me...or at the very least, cause me severe digestive discomfort. Curse you phantom peanut person! You shall rue the day you attempted to poison me with tainted peanuts...Forbidden Fruit, if you will!

JOWLS!

2009-07-15T08:24:00.001-04:00

I'm sure The Nits will appreciate this.

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I'm Back!

2009-07-14T09:24:00.006-04:00

We'll thank Mr. Perrone for the inspiration. Bottom line is that I'm always complaining when someone else doesn't update their blog, yet it's been almost 2 years since I've updated mine. Well today I'm going to stop being a hypocrite...until the novelty wears off again.

Here's a quick rundown of the last (almost) two years. I owned a house, rented the house, lost the house...it happened, I feel shitty about it, I learned a valuable lesson about it: Don't make hasty decisions without REALLY considering consequences.

I got promoted at the firm! I'm fortunate to work in a positive environment, with positive people. I'd tell you about what I do, but right now I'm the only one who does it for all 13 offices and I like that type of job security. I'd tell you, you'd tell your friends and everyone would know how to do my job. Pretty soon I'd be replaced with a monkey. I have a secondary job - Tennessee's BBQ (in Braintree). True story, we've converted vegans back to carnivores...the food is THAT good!

I knocked up the Mrs...First try...My guys don't mess around...That's why I have to get fixed.

I can't be sad though, because the Mrs. and I welcomed Leo William on May 11th. I forget what generation I am, 12th, 14th (it's up there) and all thanks to yours truly we're keeping the B-Train rolling! The little guy has been added to the cast of characters, and shall now be a reoccurring blog feature. He's sleeping through the night, smiles, yells when he's hungry and is getting pretty good at dodging the G's flying knees, elbows, headbutts; among other things.

Other than that, all the Superfriends are intact. Some are homeowners, some are living together, some are engaged, some have new additions (dogs) and all doing their thing. Our lovely New England weather has put a damper on some social outings the summer usually provides, but hopefully we'll all get together soon...Beach anyone?

My goal is going to be a blog per day. Could be big, could be small, but it's better than nothing. I'm going to have to ask Mr. Perrone how he finagled a survey, because I've got loads of questions I'd like to get your opinions on. My hope is that everyone makes a point to check back daily to see what I conjure up. Let the good time roll!

Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Festivus, etc

2007-12-21T10:31:00.000-05:00

As the holidays rapidly approach, I hope everyone is relatively safe. I only say relatively, because family holiday parties can be awful treacherous. Since we've been bombarded with holiday programing and movies, my thoughts go to some of my favorite holiday movie moments. Hopefully this collection of clips gets you in the holiday spirit.

Added Holiday Bonus - Who Do You Call In Case Of Emergency?

Teeth - The Movie

2007-12-03T16:03:00.000-05:00

When I first heard about this movie I was convinced that it was a joke. I've seen some pretty crazy stuff in movies, but this might be over the line...even for me! "Psycho" freaked people out about the shower. I can understand that "Jaws" did wonders for the pool business. "The Blair Witch Project", I'm sure, made people think twice about the random sounds you hear while camping. But a vagina with teeth?!?!?

Not only is this film real...it kicked ass at the Sundance Film Festival. I know one thing, I never want to see this movie...I'm not one bit curious. But, for all you freaks out there who are into movies about the female anatomy biting off random dude's junk, then check your local listings for a theater near you...and NEVER speak to me again.

http://www.teethmovie.com/

R.I.P.

2007-11-30T18:04:00.000-05:00

I'm really sick right now. I don't want to go into details, but my body is releasing goop. Lots of goop. Despite my illness, I've been waiting for this.

If there ever was someone who embodied, "I know I was born...I know I'll die...In between is MINE!", it's this guy. Evel, wherever you are I hope you're giving it as much hell as you did life on Earth. You're an icon, you're a legend, you'll always be remembered.

Too Good NOT To Pass Along...

2007-11-15T09:39:00.001-05:00

I know, I know. I've been slacking on the blogging, and you're all getting pissed. I've been putting in the OT at my other jobs, so that I'm not cheaping out on Christmas this year. I'm never going to live down the Britta I gave my mother two years ago. Speaking of the holidays, I came across the news story and thought the subject matter was just too good not to pass along:

Santas warned 'ho ho ho' offensive to women
Wed Nov 14, 11:04 PM ET
Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday.

Sydney's Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha" instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.

One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use "ho ho ho" because it could frighten children and was too close to "ho", a US slang term for prostitute.

Do Australian's think that our country is run my Isiah Thomas or something? You know political correctness is getting annoying when censoring a fictional fat guy. What's next? Radio stations will be banned from playing "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus", because it insinuates infidelity? Maybe "Daddy" was killed in a random hunting accident and "Mommy" needed comfort?

Now, if Santa starts leaving pictures like these in your kid's stockings, then maybe you should start to worry.

R.I.P. - Robert Goulet

2007-10-31T11:32:00.000-04:00

Robert Goulet, `Camelot' Star, Dapper Singer, Dead at Age 73
Oct. 31 (Bloomberg) -- Robert Goulet, the singer whose rich baritone voice and classic tall, dark, dashing good looks made him a star on stage and television, has died. He was 73.
Goulet suffered from a rare form of pulmonary fibrosis, a progressive and fatal condition. He was being treated at Cedars- Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles and was awaiting a lung transplant when he died yesterday, the Associated Press reported.

Waiting for a lung??? I hate waiting in line for a smoothie, so waiting for a lung would probably send me on a murderous rampage...that is if I could breathe without a tube down my throat. As a tribute to the late, great Robert Goulet, I'm attaching a video of Will Ferrell perfectly capturing the ultimate essence of Mr. Goulet. Moment of silence..............Done. (Disclaimer - this video may contain language that is considered offensive, but understand that Mr. Ferrell is in character and should not be considered racist. It is unconfirmed whether or not Mr. Goulet was racist, but he's dead now, so who cares.)

What Came First - The Millionaire Or The Pothead?

2007-10-25T14:54:00.000-04:00

I don't mind people who smoke weed. I don't mind people who do coke, crack, LSD, heroin or any other type of drug. I really could care less, because it's not my life their fucking up. I hate pot, but I don't hate the pot smoker. I believe that using pot moderately is a lot safer than booze. You hear about drunk driving accidents everyday, but how often do you here about stoned driving accidents? You don't, why??? Because stoners want to sit at home and just smoke weed.

Which brings me to my point. How many really successful people in this world are hardcore potheads? Picture the CEO of the company you work for. Do you picture him getting out of work, getting into his Mercedes and lighting a bowl up for the drive home? One of the best quotes I've ever heard in reference to potheads is, "They don't call it dope for nothing." Think of every stoner movie produced over the last 40 years...Hilarious! They're hilarious because we see one or two dopes trying to get themselves out of silly situations, with magically characters, with the resolve being that they found their car or made it to a hamburger joint. The conclusion is never, "Chaz works his way up the corporate ladder to make VP and still has time to smoke an ounce with his beautiful wife and kids."

According to ONDCP, "effects of marijuana use include problems with memory and learning, distorted perception, difficulty in thinking and problem solving, loss of coordination, increased heart rate, and anxiety". "Distorted perception"...hmmm, doesn't it seem hard to be successful in life when your reality is "distorted". If you were investing money with a broker, would you use a broker who you know smoked crazy weed or the one who is completely sober? Again, I could give two shits if anyone smokes weed. I believe we have one shot at life, so might as well live it how you see fit. Some of my best friends love the stuff, but they have always been respectful of my family. My life, my goals, my success is all based within the happiness of my family, and it's really frustrating when my dreams get compromised by other people's "distorted perception". I don't know or care how much a bag of weed costs, but I know it shouldn't be worth more than the people you truly love.

Before There Was "Star Wars"...

2007-10-23T19:15:00.000-04:00

There was "Holy Grail Wars"!

Baby G Wants Her MTV!

2007-10-22T12:11:00.000-04:00

Godsmack To Film New Video This Weekend
posted Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 11:54:14 AM by Diamond Oz.
GODSMACK will film a video for its cover version of LED ZEPPELIN's "Good Times, Bad Times" on Saturday, October 20 on the corner of Milk Street and Oliver Street in Boston's financial district beginning at 11:00 a.m. The newly recorded song will appear on GODSMACK's upcoming greatest-hits collection, "Good Times, Bad Times - 10 Years of Godsmack", which is due on November 20.

Does MTV even show music videos anymore? It would have been cool to know about this BEFORE The Mrs, Baby G and I stumbled into the video shoot. We thought we were being money-savvy by parking by my office, paying a meter $2.00 and walking to the annual "Camp Sunshine - Pumpkin Festival" held in City Hall Plaza. What's funny is that we were completely oblivious to the closed streets, cameras, big stage and crowd of leather-wearing, tattoo-clad headbangers until we were literally in the middle of it all. We must have been sooo oblivious that we achieved invisibility, because why else would security let two obvious domestic suburbans with a big stroller just waltz into their video shoot? I'm going to start calling these instances "The Baby G Factor", because for some reason she has a knack for getting in front of a camera. She been on Fox 25 news about 6 times, boston.com three times, and I think she found her way into one of Peyton Manning's cell phone commercials when we weren't looking. The academic scholarship to Harvard can wait...Hollywood here we come!!!

Happy Birthday - Van Damme Is 47!!!

2007-10-18T11:02:00.000-04:00

Can you believe the "Muscles from Brussles" is actually 47? It seems like just yesterday I used to watch "Bloodsport" over, and over, and over again on TNT. I know it's only Thursday, but in celebration of this VERY special occasion...

IT'S ALMOST VAN DAMME FRIDAY!!!

You can't believe your eyes, but it's really ALMOST VAN DAMME FRIDAY!

Don't be afraid to cut a little rug, because it's ALMOST VAN DAMME FRIDAY!

Not excited about VAN DAMME FRIDAY? Well, the muscles from Brussels has a little something for YOU!

Weekend Recap - Anniversary/Columbus Day

2007-10-15T12:13:00.000-04:00

First off, I'd like to thank "The Mrs." for putting up with my shenanigans for the last 5 years. Although she proved Saturday night that she still can be as weird as ever, she can at least use the excuse of being drunk. I, on the other hand, am just strange 24/7 - if you could actually see what goes through my head, I'd break records for most restraining orders.

I'd also like to thank our friends who were able to share our anniversary dinner at El Sarape's with us. You all must truly be great friends for knowingly ingesting food that is GUARANTEED to give you "The Trots" for about 3 days. Here are some memorable moments from this past weekend (including the day-off I took on Friday).

1) Even though it was "The Mrs." and I's 5-year wedding anniversary, we only saw each other for a total of 4 hours over the course of 3 days.

2) Despite being with Baby G for 72 hours, she didn't take one dump...she saved them for "Nanny"!

3) Red Sox crush The Indians in Game 1 of the ALCS...and Auntie Rach crushes all opponents in Wii Bowling.

4) Apple picking at CN Smith Farm with Baby G, then searching for the goat with the biggest nuts.

5) Being restrained from beating up an old geezer complaining that I got in between him and his "Helen's" pizza.

6) Completely enjoying the very loud, 12-person conversation regarding the $25 prize per each severed coyote head while inhaling a mountain of authentic Mexican food.

7) Lil-sis Batesy disappearing, only to be discovered blacked-out in the bathroom, ONLY to be uncomfortably transported through a crowd of "Usual Suspects".

8) "The Mrs." drunken foresight to KNOW the Red Sox game wasn't worth watching, and we were better off watching her "Get Fittercize" in the living room.

9) Trying to show "Drunkle" what Sunday's and domestic living is all about...and having to listen about life in Waco, TX.

10) A 12-pack of Twisted Tea cans and plenty of this:

NY Giants Linebacker Injured How?

2007-10-04T15:36:00.000-04:00

After bumping into reporter, Giants linebacker Blackburn injures ear

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. -- Giants linebacker Chase Blackburn nearly ruptured his ear drum Sunday after New York's victory over the Philadelphia Eagles.

The mishap occurred when a reporter bumped into Blackburn in a crowded postgame locker room when when he was cleaning his ear with a cotton swab. Blackburn dropped to the floor and said he lost hearing in the ear which then started to bleed.

It's not hard to figure out why this stiff went undrafted when reporters are taking him out. How far did this guy have the Q-Tip in his ear prior to getting bumped? He must have been digging for buried treasure or something. I blame Tom Coughlin! Not only does he fail as a coach, he can't even teach his players proper personal hygiene.

What's More Scary?

2007-10-03T15:54:00.000-04:00

OR...

Either way, it feels pretty good to be a Boston sports fan!

This Made Me Laugh...A Lot!

2007-10-02T17:03:00.001-04:00

Ocho Stinko!!!

2007-10-02T12:18:00.001-04:00

Let me start by saying, I Hate Monday Night Football! The only reason why I ever watch it is because the Patriots are playing. Even when the Patriots are playing on Monday nights, I secretly hope for a first-half blowout just so I can go to bed at 10:00.

For some reason last night, I thought the Bengals were going to come back somehow. Leading up to the game, all the sports writers were kissing some Bengals' Offense ass. I think I heard the word "shootout" two thousand times. Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, TJ Whose-Your-Momma were putting up crazy stats, so of course the Bengals could strike at any time...OH, the final score??? 34-13 Patriots. Apparently, there are a couple good players on the Patriot Defense who didn't want to see an offensive shootout - they wanted a defensive massacre. I guess we should have known when the biggest mouth in the NFL (Johnson) doesn't make a peep before the game.

In conclusion, I'm excited the Patriots won, I'm exhausted from lack of sleep, and the BC Eagles could probably beat the Bengals right now. Note to Marvin Lewis - next time you go to a gunfight, bring more than a swiss army knife.

I Hate Full Moons

2007-09-27T12:46:00.000-04:00

According to Wikipedia: Full moon is a lunar phase that occurs when the Moon is on the opposite side of the Earth from the Sun, and when the three celestial bodies are aligned as close as possible to a straight line.

I also learned under the "Characteristics" section that "david smith is cool", but that is neither here nor there. What Wikipedia fails to indicate is how the full moon affects how we sleep. One night a month, I can't frigging sleep and it's because of the damn moon!

I know there are tons of theories out there regarding how the moon affects everything. The moon affects the tides, affects The Mrs. monthly "friend", and could quite possible be made of green cheese. Instead of the full moon keeping me up because my body is made up of 70% water, why can't it be because I'm a Werewolf? Think of all the fun I could have...

What's Going On In The World?

2007-09-25T15:32:00.000-04:00

The Nits informed me that there is a lot of happening in our weird and wacky world. Since I appreciate and value The Nits' opinion, I decided to poke around this "World Wide Web" and see what I may be missing. Of course, I'll give you MY two-cents, but you can decide for yourself if you really care.

1) Keifer Sutherland popped for DUI...AGAIN! - Ok, we all know Keifer likes his libations and often this leads to hiccups in judgement. For instance, how can we forget how when Sutherland was so blasted, he decided to Jack Bauer a Christmas tree. Oh, you missed that? Here you go!

2) Milton Bradley tears knee up, ending his season...While arguing! - Bradley is an overrated, controversial player, who even when he's playing nice still gets hosed. Some call it bad luck...I call it Karma - ain't it a bitch?

3) Swedish game show host RALPHS on air - This one makes complete sense. Obviously, Eva Nazemson (host) had a "Royale with Cheese" for lunch and just forgot to purge. It's Sweden! If this chick gains two pounds, she's replaced! She was just thinking of job security.

Summer Is Over?!?!?!?

2007-09-24T15:18:00.000-04:00

I should have seen this coming. All the signs were there, and apparently I was in such denial that I just ho-hummed through September. Apparently Summer ENDED yesterday! You know, when the Patriot's picked up Randy Moss this past Spring, I was only joking about bypassing the Summer. Well, friends, my wish came true because the Summer is over and all I can do is shake my head and say, "What happened?"

I compiled a list of things that I conveniently ignored, that really would have softened this blow. I'm sure many of you noticed all these transitions and were fully prepared for another Summer's demise. I can only hope that before I find myself waking up to 12 inches of snow that I have to shovel, that ONE of you warns me about winter!

Top Ten Reason Why I Should Have Known Summer Was Over:
10) Women in the city are walking around in Uggs.
9) Brady to Moss...again, and again, and again, and it COUNTS!
8) I helped my father-in-law close up the pool.
7) It's fricking freezing in the morning.
6) A family of turkeys were frolicking in my backyard.
5) It's dark out by 6:30 pm.
4) There's an abundance of Octoberfest beers at the packy.
3) I've already purchased my Halloween costume.
2) Everyone I know is going apple picking.
1) My parent's asked me what our Thanksgiving plans were.

Happy Birthday - Lumbergh (aka Gary Cole) Is 51!

2007-09-20T12:15:00.000-04:00

You can't deny that when you first saw "Office Space", you thought to yourself, "That Lumbergh guy...he's just like MY boss! Fucking Lumbergh!!!"

Aside from being one of my favorite movie characters to hate, Gary Cole is a prime example of one of those actors who you recognize in a million other movies. Only difference now is when you see him in a movie you say, "Hey, it's that Lumbergh guy!"

To the very few of you who've actually seen the updated "Brady Bunch" movies, Gary Cole played "Mike Brady". A better appearance of Mr. Cole would be as "Cotton McKnight", commentator for The Ocho in "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story". According to IMDB, he's been in a ton of other crap, but there was one credit that kind of stood out. Cole played "Doctor Heichman" in an Etan Cohen short called, "My Wife Is Retarded". If that title doesn't say it all. Of course, The Mrs. is certainly not retarded, but I'm sure there are plenty of husbands out there who suspect theirs are...RRRRRRiiiiiiiiight!

And yes, I'm working this Sunday.

No One Is Safe From OJ!

2007-09-18T12:03:00.000-04:00

One of O.J.'s Alleged Victims Suffers Heart Attack

Posted Sep 18th 2007 9:33AM by TMZ

One of the memorabilia dealers who spoke to TMZ Friday about the alleged robbery incident involving O.J. Simpson in Vegas was hospitalized yesterday with chest pains. The Associated Press reported Bruce Fromong was transferred to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. CBS Radio reported Fromong's condition was much worse, and that his heart had stopped and had to be restarted.

I'm sure you all have heard that OJ has been in a little hot water. Unfortunately, I think OJ watched "Ocean's Eleven" one too many times. I'm not sure if the memorabilia that OJ was trying to retrieve was obtained lawfully or not, but Bruce Fromong should have known better not to mess with "The Juice". Having possession of any of OJ's stuff is worse than wearing a tiki you found at a construction site in downtown Hawaii.

Does OJ honestly have enough money left to weasel out of this one? Regardless, here's the lesson learned - Don't Mess With OJ! Put that tip right up there will all the ageless common-sense lessons. Even if he can't getcha, he'll still Getcha. I'm sure that deal he made with Lucifer had something to do with all this, and I fully expect OJ to be reincarnated as evil doll or something. Also, do I smell a book sequel - "If I Did It 2"???

Funny And Obscure Quote Of The Day

2007-09-18T10:22:00.000-04:00

"They just jumped on us like a spider monkey," said Chargers fullback Lorenzo Neal.

No one can dispute that the NE Patriots laid a whoopin' on the San Diego Charges on Sunday night, but can anyone other than Lorenzo Neal compare it to being attacked by a spider monkey. The only person who may be able to make this comparison is Nia Simone Scott, but she was mauled by an escaped gorilla! I think a gorilla would do far more damage than a runaway spider monkey, and if you watched the game it looked more like King Kong blowing up Phillip Rivers and L.T.. I hope Neal continues the random animal metaphors. I'd love to hear, "We attacked them like rabid aardvarks!" or "Our defense is as solid as an Emu egg!" Maybe the Krafts should consider a team name change - Go New England Spider Monkeys!!!

May 2nd, 2008 - Mark Your Calendar!

2007-09-14T11:03:00.000-04:00

Every year there are 2, maybe 3 movies that I HAVE to see in the theaters. With "Cloverfield(?)" and "The Dark Knight" already taking their spots, I'm MOST excited about this -

I'm Finally Back

2007-09-13T09:31:00.001-04:00

I took the last few days off to help The Mrs. with her free event for kids in Q-Town. Basically, The GetFit Solution and the US Army teamed up to get kids outside and active. There was an obstacle course, a rock wall, music, whistles and yours truly posing as Q-TV cameraman. All-in-all it was a fun event for the kids and the parents.

The park where the event was taking place also had a skate park. Through all my hustle and bustle, I had a little exchange with one of the BMX bandits, who looked shockingly like "Chunk" from "The Goonies". I found this kid's responses witty, yet disturbing...I think this paints a pretty good picture of today's inactive youth.

"Chunk": Hey, you got any food over there?
Batesy: No, but we have a rock wall.
"Chunk": Yeah, what's up with the Army trying to recruit all the kids?
Batesy: They're not recruiting, they're partnering with my wife's company to promote fitness.
"Chunk": Yeah right, they want to send kids to Iraq. I know what they're up to. I'm not joining no Army.
Batesy: Then why not try the obstacle course, the rock wall and ignore the Army guys?
"Chunk": I don't want to get fit either.
Batesy: Well, we'll be here the next two days from 3 to 5, in case you change your mind.
"Chunk": Just bring some hot dogs and cheeseburgers tomorrow, and maybe I'll think about it.

Now, being ordered to cook for the fam is one thing (there are benefits to that), but when a little smart-alleck porker on his two-wheeled soapbox requests burgers just for being there, I draw the line. Watch this kid grow up to become a Senator or something. Damn kids!

It's Official - Certified Personal Trainer

2007-09-06T15:12:00.000-04:00

The Mrs. finally got her results back from A.C.E. (American Council on Exercise) and she PASSED! I'd like to be the first just to say "Helluva job there, slugger"! The Mrs. logged in many, many hours studying and practicing to get to this point.

For any of you out there in need of some training the personal way, why don't you give The Mrs. a jingle. You can find all her contact information at The Get Fit Solution.

Ex-Patriot Punter Doesn't Put Up With Dad's Crap

2007-09-05T14:34:00.000-04:00

Baugher pleads not guilty day after release by Pats - ESPN.com news services

The day after being cut by the New England Patriots, punter Danny Baugher is alleged to have turned his anger and frustration on his 54-year-old father.

Baugher, released by the team on Aug. 29, has been charged with assaulting his father, Erle, in a fast-food parking lot at 4 a.m. on Aug. 30, police said.

Police said Danny Baugher, 23, was drunk at the time and told them that he "was released by the New England Patriots [Aug. 29] and he was not handling it very well," according to a police report obtained by the Boston Herald.

I'm sure after being summoned to Coach Belichick's office, Baugher pretty much decided that he and his good buddy Jack Daniels would deal with him being released. I'm sure after some "alone time" (aka Huge Bender), Baugher would regroup and land himself on another roster - I'm mean he did boom a 70 yard punt. Then his father had to start laying on the crap. I can hear it now, "You're not good enough to be a Patriot - you wanna know why? Because you're a BUM! You'll always be a BUM!" Baugher just wanted to be wasted and eat his 4th Double Quarter Pounder with cheese at 4:00 a.m. and be left alone. I think "Dad" got off easy - instead of getting bashed in the face, Baugher could have punted his father nuts into his esophagus. We can only hope that all this legal b/s doesn't cause Baugher to pull a "Ray Finkle".

How Deep Can Someone Sleep?

2007-09-04T19:40:00.000-04:00

Tuesday's commute home wasn't unlike any other. Red Line to Quincy Center where The Mrs. and Baby G are either waiting (or usually running 15 minutes late). Today though, when I got out of the station I noticed a small army of cops hanging around a car about 4 cars away from the Batesymobile. Thankfully, The Mrs. witnessed quite a chaotic scene involving a locked car and a potential dead guy.

Apparently, this guy's significant other just completed her commute expecting to find her ride ready to screw. Upon reaching the car, this woman discovers her man unresponsive, locked inside the vehicle. After a few feeble attempts to rouse the driver, she goes bonkers and starts screaming for any cops in the area. Since it's Quincy Center T Station, about 25 of Quincy's finest rush to her aid. After inspecting the scene, the fuzz decide the BEST course of action is to surround the car and start rapping their batons on every window. When this is unsuccessful at awakening the man, the woman starts wailing about how the man is dead. Completely baffled as to how to deal with the situation, the officers were rescued by a man parked next to The Mrs. who apparently never leaves home without his trusty hammer.

My initial thought was that these guys probably bashed the driver's side window, assuming that this stiff won't feel a thing. Smartly they broke a passenger side window, which to their surprise woke this gentleman right up. The guy was ALIVE!?!?!

Now I consider myself a pretty deep sleeper, but can this be for real? I mean, this dude had to been overdosing on some cheap Quincy heroin or downed a bottle of NyQuil (which essentially is the same thing). I guess some dudes just love their REM sleep. I'll never doubt one of those insane college photos of some idiot so blacked-out that all his "friends" have covered him in makeup, tampons and Sharpie written "I am gay" signs. I wonder if his car insurance has oversleeping coverage? This reminds me of one of my favorite Monty Python scenes!!!

Can He Say That???

2007-09-04T12:13:00.000-04:00

I guess when you raise $63.8 MILLION dollars for Muscular Dystrophy you're allowed to call some kid an "Illiterate Faggot"? One more cocktail and Jerry Lewis would be having these kids fight it out Mike Vick style.

Ninja's Are The Biggest Shit Talkers

2007-08-31T11:17:00.000-04:00

China kung fu monks seek apology for ninja affront
Fri Aug 31, 1:34 AM ET
China's Shaolin Temple, the cradle of Chinese kung fu, is demanding an apology from an Internet user who said its monks had once been beaten in unarmed combat by a Japanese ninja, Chinese media reported on Friday. "The so-called defeat is purely fabricated, and we demand the Internet user to apologise to the whole nation for the wrongs he or she did," the Beijing News said, citing a notice announced by a lawyer for the Shaolin monks.

As I was trying on my custom-made Black Spiderman costume (from China) yesterday, The Mrs. made the comment that I looked like a ninja. Thinking about that now I'm wondering, does the ninja "make" the costume or does the costume "make" the ninja. Honestly, that's the only reason why their cool, right? They get to sneak around, dressed all in black with a utility belt filled with throwing stars and knock-out gas. Aside from looking cool, do they really believe they can kick a bunch of Shaolin monk's asses? Even in "American Ninja" the Japanese ninjas are getting whooped by the dude from "Bachelor Party".

I think ninjas need to revamp their recruiting tactics. I mean, do they just advertise in "The Metro" and on the Red Line? Check out this video of some ninja wannabes.

I'm also kind of disappointed that Shaolin monks have a lawyer, but I guess you can't just kick a ninja's ass anymore without some legal ramifications.

Which Is Worse - Marriage Or Death?

2007-08-30T15:07:00.000-04:00

Bride and widow in single ceremony

NICE, France (AP) -- Dressed in a demure black suit, a 35-year-old Frenchwoman has married her dead boyfriend, an exchange of vows that required authorization from President Jacques Chirac.

Notice how the groom is mentioned as boyfriend...why not fiancee? At least the drunk driver spared this gentleman from a far longer, more painful death. This chicks has to know that if they only way she can get hitched is to marry her dead boyfriend, then she's doing something wrong...or just really ugly! Rest In Peace Frenchie, because whatever purgatory you're hanging around in, eventually you're probably going to get off light. Now that I think about it, the title is a trick question.

I'm Pretty Sure My Team Stinks!

2007-08-29T15:19:00.001-04:00

It's fantasy football season again and on Sunday The Usual Suspects and I had our league's draft. Receiving the 4th pick this year, I kind of felt like the Boston Celtics during the lottery draft. Initially, I was really happy with my team, but I really think that was the Twisted Tea clouding my judgement. Not even The Keels and his fruity picks could have given me any sort of advantage. All-in-all my team is talented, but fragile and I must be insane to be banking any success from a rookie running back. Below is the players who will get the most exposure. I have a couple throw-in's who will probably end up on the scrap heap. Dallas' defense should put up some decent numbers also. I'm playing Ron Mexico's team Week 1 and the current projected score is Good Guys - 108 and Bad Guys - 293. Quick question...Who should I make that $25 check out to???

QB-Drew Brees: Dump off to Reggie and let him do the rest.

WR-Andre Johnson: Please give Schaub time to throw.

WR-Santana Moss: What's body part is going to break next?

RB-Frank Gore: Last year = STUD! Don't turn into DUD.

RB-Marshawn Lynch: Rookie, so it's huge risk, huge reward, huge mistake?

TE-Jason Witten: Romo's safety blanket - solid in the red zone.

RB-DeAngelo Williams: Why won't Foster go away or just die?

WR-Deion Branch: I really want to like this guy.

K-Josh Scobee: I just like saying his last name.

TE-Greg Olsen: Shockey without the drama, but Grossman stinks?

QB-Alex Smith: Just get it to Gore!!!

Owen Wilson Tries To Off Himself???

2007-08-28T10:49:00.000-04:00

Report: Owen Wilson Attempted Suicide After Blow-Up With Close Friend
LOS ANGELES — Owen Wilson was found bloody and dazed after trying to commit suicide by overdosing on pills and slitting his wrist in the wake of a blow-up with a close friend, a source told the New York Post.

This bothers me for a lot of different reasons. First, ever since I saw "The Haunting", Owen Wilson has been kind of an inspiration. My initial reaction of Wilson in this movie was, "How the hell does a nose like that can the lead male role in a movie?" It wasn't until I started investigating Wilson's other bodies of work that I realized that deranged comedic talent can supersede average looks and facial imbalances. Even in bit parts, like his ex-boyfriend character from "Meet The Parents", Wilson steals the scenes.

Wilson had carved such a niche for himself that I think directors just say, "Play the part like that guy you play in every other movie your in." Seriously, ideal life - mad loot, out of the paparazzi eye, dating actresses and all your friends are other hilarious actors. Now we hear how he suffers from depression so bad that he tries to do himself in???

I say "F-U Owen Wilson". You couldn't just call up your buddy Will Ferrell for a laugh? Is the fact that your ex, Kate Hudson, is making out with Dax Sheppard all over town got you down? You couldn't take a little trip some seedy part of Vegas? Do me a favor, if you don't like your life, then give it to me, you selfish bastard! The Mrs., Baby G and yours truly would fit right into your cushy mansion, having pool parties with Ben Stiller and your brother Luke. I can already picture my average mug in "Wedding Crashers 2: Crashers Revenge"!

Have You Ever Been THIS Bored - Part 2

2007-08-27T20:01:00.000-04:00

I'll give this redneck credit (I have to believe that something THIS stupid was done by a redneck), at least he knew to "Stop-Drop-Roll". Please note that WD-40 is good for a lot of different things...just don't go f-ing with it. The "Force" is strong with WD-40!

The Future Of The New England Patriots Is Safe

2007-08-22T19:37:00.000-04:00

Tom Brady was not present at Patriots practice today! Hmmm....apparently for good reason. It is reported on Boston.com Brady was heading west to welcome his newborn son into the world. Now, I can only hope that Coach allows Brady to skip the remaining two preseason games. Last Friday it appeared that either Brady pissed off his O-Line or maybe instead of seeing "12", the Titans saw a bulls-eye.

On a side note, I've started making plans for Baby G and Baby B's wedding in about 18 years. I figure Lil Brady will be the only one of Baby G's suitors that I won't greet with a knuckle-sandwich.

Not Only Is It Tuesday...

2007-08-21T15:36:00.000-04:00

It's Chuck Norris Tuesday!!!

Go ahead...Shake your money-maker!

If "The Man" is busting your chops...

Let them know it's Chuck Norris Tuesday!!!

Get pumped!

Release all your frustration!

Live today like Chuck Norris would want you to:

Summer Camping Trip Recap

2007-08-20T10:21:00.000-04:00

I've been sitting on this blog for a week now, while I waited for the photo evidence. The Mrs. and I shipped Baby G to the Grandparent's house, so that we could accompany The Usual Suspects on a camping adventure deep in the woods of New Hampshire. Armed with 130 beers, 24 Twisted Teas, a bottle of Bacardi, a box-o-wine, a watermelon, 12 hockey-puck burgers, 6 hot dogs, an enormous tub of cheese doodles, a wiffleball set and a list of do's/don'ts, ten of us braved the elements and bugs at MP's family cabin.

There was definitely something endearing about the cabin. Maybe it was the history of the cabin, the pictures on the walls, the outhouse, the creepy well from "The Ring", or just being amongst friends preparing to inflict massive amounts of damage to our livers. For some, their livers were the least of their worries. Throughout the 24 hours there were smashed heads, broken pinkies, disgusting spider bites and veggie-burgers. All-in-all, we adhered to at least half of the rules, had to some good laughs and made it back to Massachusetts alive. Here are some highlight pictures of the trip:

"Welcome to our Summer villa!"

"We're all having a swell time!"

"International sign to ward off evil spirits."

"I'm done, the outhouse is all yours."

"Step, one, two, step, three, four..."

"We prefer slow-dancing, thanks."

"International sign to ward off P.D.A.'s!"

"Do you know who 'The Man' is?"

"THIS GUY!!!"

"Wait a minute...It's 6:00 AM?!?!?"

"Try to send us to rehab...We said No, No, No!"

"I think my pinkie is broken.."

Who Is Your Favorite?

2007-08-17T09:50:00.000-04:00

Since his first appearance in Batman #1 (1940), there has not been a more recognizable villain than The Joker. The Joker's visual staples were white skin, menacing clown grin, green hair and purple suits. Despite his comical appearance, he's always been depicted as a vicious killer in the comics. Makes you wonder why people are scared of clowns, right?

The Joker has also been represented in television and movies. My first exposure to The Joker happen to be the old Adam West Batman television show. Cesar Romero played The Joker and he reminded me more of Dr. Evil now that I think about it. Romero's Joker was always bungling around in elaborate schemes along with Rocky's "Mickey", who played The Penguin.

With the latest installment in the Batman franchise due out in 2008, with The Joker played by Brokeback Butt-Throb Heath Ledger, I was wondering who best embodies The Joker?

Caser Romero
Jack Nicholson
Heath Ledger

On a side note, I really hope this little piece of Joker dialog makes it into the movie:

RIP - Crush (Formerly Of WWF Tag Team Demolition)

2007-08-13T15:58:00.000-04:00

Current and former "employees" are dropping like fly's over in the WWE. According to a report on the official WWE website, Brian "Crush" Adams was found dead today.

I used to be a huge WWF fan in the 80's and early 90's. As far as tag teams go, Demolition were badder than "Bad News Brown"! Even their theme song preached how good they were.

As much as I never thought "Crush" fit in with good-ole' "Ax" and "Smash", it's a shame that Vince McMahon's lust for wrestling monopoly and love/encouragement of steroids has claimed the life of another "squared-circle" champion.

What Is More Scary?

2007-08-13T14:53:00.000-04:00

OR...

"I think we're going to need a bigger boat!"

August 10th Is Lazy Day!

2007-08-10T10:48:00.000-04:00

According to Holiday Insights, August 10th is Lazy Day:

"Lazy Day is your chance to goof off, and definitely not work. And, it definitely comes at a good time. Hot, muggy weather makes it easy to kick back and be lazy for a day. If summer chores are not done by now, they can just wait one more day. It is best spent on a hammock, along with your favorite summer beverage."

There is usually no problem finding an excuse to do or not do anything. Whether you want to get sloppy drunk, lounge in the pool or get out of washing dishes, we as humans have the innate ability to come up with some reason to justify the action. Unfortunately for us men, women have the innate ability to see through our bullshit. Today though, we've got this little trump card. If the significant other is chirping at you to fetch some more wine with extra ice cubes - Sorry, It's Lazy Day. If the boss is all over your case for your lack of production - Pipe down, It's Lazy Day.

For my fellow brethren, I offer this site if you need some help as how to spend this wonderful holiday - The Lazy Man's Guide To Good Livin'! Happy Lazy Day!!!

Over The River And Through The Woods...

2007-08-08T14:41:00.000-04:00

This upcoming weekend, the Mrs. and I are accompanying The Usual Suspects, as well as some Yahoos, on a camping trip in New Hampshire. Our accommodations are at the JMP campsite, that up until NOW, we were not allowed to go to. From first-hand accounts of this cabin, I've been able to provide a pretty accurate rendition of the location:

Swanky! This, of course is actually the cabin used to film the legendary film, The Evil Dead.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with The Evil Dead, it is the story of a group of friends who take a trip into the woods to booze, eat and be merry. Unfortunately for these friends, they accidentally unleash an invisible evil force with the power to possess the living, and they all die in awful and comedic ways, except for the hero - Ash (played by cult favorite Bruce Campbell).

I am certain that we'll find some interesting artifacts at our location, but I am confident that common sense will prevail in certain situations. Here are some basic rules that will keep our little camping trip fun for all:

1) If you stumble across this book, don't read it - just leave it be:

2) If you have to go #2, maybe it's best NOT to dig a hole:

3) If Rule #1 gets broken and you turn into a zombie, look directly into the sun (zombies hate that):

4) If Rule #1 gets broken, and Rule #3 gets ignored, find nearest decapitation utensil:

5) Finally, if there happens to be one, don't go down into the basement:

Fun camping is safe camping - Don't be a victim of irony!

In Honor Of Pool Party Sunday

2007-08-02T16:08:00.000-04:00

Let us all hope that if any of these mishaps happen on Sunday, that they are caught on camera. On a side note, people better not be grumbling about "Who celebrates their 31st birthday?" I DO! It's not like I'm asking you to bring gifts, cards or even sign a song - just come over, drink and eat the food provided. I don't hear anyone complaining about December 25th - we celebrate that birthday every year...This is pretty much the same thing.

Pool Action - Funny home videos are a click away

What Is More Scary?

2007-07-31T15:10:00.000-04:00

Scary in a GOOD way?

OR...

Scary in a BAD way?

Let us all be introduced to Jennifer Jackson, 38 or as she was once known, "Miss April 1989" in Playboy. Seems Ms. Jackson has had a couple run-in's with the Johnny-Police Officer. First, she got pinched in July for DUI and now raising hell at the trailer park. Won't these "Playmates" ever learn that all you have to do is throw Heff an occasional puff-job and he'll give you room/board in his mansion. Granted this broad was a "Playmate" 18 years ago, but I'm sure Heff had a state-of-the-art exercise facility as well as all the coke and booze you want to keep you looking somewhat decent.

To be honest with you, do you know what is REALLY scary. Not that a once pretty young girl, who had it all, fell from Heff's grace. It's who she currently squeezes into her bunny suit for - check out her boyfriend!

If Adam & Eve Taught Us Anything It's...

2007-07-30T09:52:00.000-04:00

If you go messing around in the garden...

There are consequences for fraternizing with snakes!

HAPPY MONDAY!

We've Been Simpsonized!

2007-07-26T14:50:00.000-04:00

With "The Simpson's Movie" coming out this week, there is a promotional website that allows you to upload a photo and turn yourself into a Simpson's character. Be honest, haven't you ever wondered how you would look "Simpsonized"? Actually, now that I look at my "Simpsonized" family, I'm starting to wonder how often the mailman used to deliver about 3 years ago??? Oh well, if you'd like to try this yourself, then here's the link - Simpsonize Me.

As an additional treat, I've "Simpsonized" one of the Usual Suspects. Lets see if you can figure out who this character REALLY is!

Now I've Seen Everything

2007-07-26T10:35:00.000-04:00

A scuba diving cat?!?!? Being a cat lover, I really want to hate this guy for putting his cat through this, but the cat looks to actually like it. This guy must really be lonely if he's wishing that his dog and cat could enjoy hanging in the pool. Also, with all the swimming and scuba diving this cat is doing, you'd think it would be in better shape. I think this pussy needs The Get Fit Solution!

Who's The Bigger Substance Abuser?

2007-07-25T15:10:00.000-04:00

My last post focused on young Hollywood starlets who can't seem to lay off "the sauce". Let us not forget some of the older substance abusers who may be past their prime, but can still tie one on with the best of em'. Today our contestants are both co-hosts of popular "talent" (I use that loosely) shows. Both made a name for themselves in the 80's, are extremely popular in Germany and currently excel at making asses out of themselves; especially when the camera is on them. YouTube should be sending these two royalty checks! Your choice's this week ARE:

OR...

I say they're both winners!!!

Who Is Going To Kick The Bucket First?

2007-07-24T10:51:00.000-04:00

Contestant #1: Britney Spears - Age 25
- Enjoys getting sloppy drunk and marrying dirtbags.
- Smokes crazy amounts of cigarettes.
- Drives around with her infant son on her lap.
- Weapon of choice: Umbrellas.
- Feels the best way to get back in the public-eye is going commando while hitting the clubs in LA.
Conclusion: Trainwreck = YES! Death potential = moderately slim, ONLY because of her two kids...at least she has something to live for. Then again, Anna Nicole was also a redneck, who enjoyed indulging, but was a proud parent too...uh oh!

Contestant #2: Lindsay Lohan - Age 21
- After a prolonged stint in rehab and despite wearing an alcohol-monitoring bracelet, was arrested early Tuesday morning for DUI and possession of cocaine.
- LAPD say she's a big bitch when she's wasted.
- Loves riding the white pony and bragging about riding Hollywood celebs.
- Prior to rehab, frequently got blackout drunk and played bumper cars with other objects.
- Used to date Fez.
Conclusion: She's got two crazy parents, with her father just getting out of prison. Just days after getting out of rehab she's coke'd up and drunk. She's making prior troubled child stars (ie Macaulay Culkin, Drew Barrymore, etc) look like saints. She'll be lucky to see 25 years old.

Contestant #3: Nicole Ritchie - Age 25
- Enjoys getting stoned and downing Vicodins before driving the wrong direction down the highway.
- Claims that she does not have an eating disorder after going from pleasantly plump to weighing in at 75lbs in 6 months. (Maybe she took "Jimmy Tango's - Fat Busters" seriously)
- Drug of choice = Heroin.
- Spends all her adopted father's money. (She kind of reminds me of the fat chick from "Clueless", who also is now really skinny)
- Is constantly rumored to be pissing people off, whether it be boyfriends or girlfriends.
Conclusion: "We're going to party, Karamu, fiesta, forever...Come on and sing along! All night long!" Until Nicole adds "Hit 24-hour McDonald's for a Supersized Quarter Pounder meal" to the lyrics, she'll slowly waste away ala Karen Carpenter.

Contestant #4: Paris Hilton - Age 26
- Worth a bazillion, trillion, million dollars.
- Is an attention whore who doesn't care if it's on the red carpet or in a porno - just as long as the spotlight is on her.
- Despite being filthy rich, insists on driving herself everywhere instead of taking a limo - doesn't matter if she's hammered or with a suspended license.
- Honestly believes that she's above the law, and not in a Steven Seagal good way.
- Plays supporting roles in some unbelievably terrible movies.
Conclusion: She thinks her shit don't stink, but...she's so rich, she probably spent a couple mill to make every bowel movement smell like lavender. Plus, I don't fall for the dumb blond routine. She's going to live to be 125 years old...it's her kids we'll probably have to worry about.

I'm Cool With It

2007-07-23T16:42:00.000-04:00

Do we REALLY care if Tom Brady is a Yankee's fan? Once again he is caught in NYC wearing a Yankee's lid and it seems to be big news. I'd like to make some lame excuse like that he only wears the hat so he doesn't get shit on by every New Yorker he saunters by. Unfortunately, he's publicly said that he's a Yankee's fan, but to be honest, I could care less. I could care less that he knocked up the chick from "Coyote Ugly", dumped her ass to bang Gisele, wears Movado watches or even supports G-Dub's political policies. All I want out of Tom Brady are bombs to Randy Moss, perfect out-passes to Wes Welker for 1st downs and the leadership qualities we've all come to know and love. I used to refuse to even consider purchasing a Brady jersey, because I hate bandwagons. That held true until 10/30/06, when a Minnesota Vikings team and their staunch defense was going to force Brady to win with his "sub par" receivers. Brady went out like this - 372 yards and 4 TD's for a Patriots 31-7 win. I sat alone in my living room that day, 8 Twisted Teas deep, and proclaimed OUT LOUD that I would wear a Brady jersey proudly...if I actually had the money to afford one. I believe Brady had a moment similar that involved the Yankees minus the Teas, so if he's proud to represent then let him represent. Instead of seeing this as a irresponsible lack of judgement, why don't we just let this one go? There is really only one logo we care about on top of that head and despite what we like to believe around here, Tom Brady is only human.

Creepy Or Brilliant?

2007-07-20T12:04:00.001-04:00

I really can't tell if this video is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen or an incredible display of creativity and skill that I will never possess...probably both. What do you think?

9th Wonder Of The World

2007-07-19T14:52:00.000-04:00

Just another day at the office. Nothing unusual about today. 1:00 comes around and just like every other day, and I'm off to the gym. About 5 minutes into my walk, my whole day seems a bit different. As I am walking head-down listening to my iPod, I find myself looking up at something that resembles this:

I am now walking directly behind what appears to be a 6'5", 225lb woman with more peaks and valleys in her back than the Appalachian Mountains. Oddly enough, she too was heading for The Vitamin Shop, and went directly to the "horse-pill" section of the store. My immediate reaction was "that has to be a dude...a BIG dude!" Upon further inspection, as I am now creeping around the store trying to count how many defined muscles were visible (I got up to 286), I determined that it was actually female. After she purchased her bottle of condensed bull testosterone and was far away from the vicinity, I asked the store owner about the prior customer. He asked, "Oh, you saw her? She's getting ready for a big competition." DID I SEE HER??? This was like going to 7-11 and watching as a Sasquatch comes in, buys one of those hot dogs on the rollers and a pack of Parliaments. As I finally made my way to the gym to lift a fraction of what this woman could probably lift with one finger, I kind of felt bad for her. Sure, she's super-jacked, a well-known competitor, but also probably the most lonely woman in the world. I mean honestly, who would want to wake up next to THIS:

What Is More Scary?

2007-07-18T15:22:00.000-04:00

Or...

Seeing as I've actually met Tyson, I can genuinely say that this is a trick question...ANY Tyson is a scary Tyson - I'm talking about off the charts! He almost bit Drunkle Jon's head off!

Birthday Of The Day - Guess Who's 35?

2007-07-16T16:45:00.000-04:00

Everyone's favorite "Corey" and star of such classics as "Stand By Me", "The Goonies" and "The Burbs".

Corey will be also staring in an upcoming A&E reality show - "The Two Coreys" (http://www.aetv.com/the-two-coreys/), which I firmly believe will be about Feldman's love of strippers and Haim's love of heroin. I'm sure once the show premieres July 29th, YouTube will be flooded with more classic Corey moments such as this:

Got To Love Mr. Pink!

2007-07-16T10:03:00.000-04:00

There are few actors who can pull off looking legitimately scared of Don Johnson in his pastel sports coat...with the sleeves rolled up. What makes this performance classic is the fear-of-god look in his eyes when Willie Nelson shows how strong his pimp-hand is. I would think this had daytime Emmy written all over it:

Steve Buscemi also played "Tony Bologna" in one of my favorite SNL sketches. "Prom of Doom" had a little of everything - Buscemi as a creepy janitor, Will Ferrell as a goth keyboardist obsessed with Celine Dion, Jim Breuer as an older brother looking for Rolling Rock with his slut girlfriend (Cheri Oteri).

He may not be at Christopher Walken status, but he's damn close.

Guess What Today Is???

2007-07-13T15:20:00.000-04:00

VAN DAMME FRIDAY!!!

You can't believe your eyes, but it's really VAN DAMME FRIDAY!

Don't be afraid to cut a little rug, because it's VAN DAMME FRIDAY!

Not excited about VAN DAMME FRIDAY? Well, the muscles from Brussels has a little something for YOU!

Mr. Butch And His Vespa

2007-07-12T15:53:00.001-04:00

There are rumors about this guy's death after he was involved in an accident while riding his Vespa. No word on the condition of the Vespa. Hopefully the rumors are false, because I've got to believe that YouTube was created for videos like this.

Godspeed Mr. Butch!

The Missing Piece Of The Puzzle

2007-07-12T10:46:00.000-04:00

Sweat, then sip
Martini Workout mixes exercising with socializing at the InterContinental Hotel
By Linda Laban, Globe Correspondent July 12, 2007

The Martini Workout sounds like the perfect exercise class for those who'd rather perch on a barstool than lie prone and sweating on a yoga mat. Lift and sip, and lift and sip, right?

The creator of the Martini Workout, Jessica Athas, is actually a big believer in working out. But the Leather District denizen isn't above enjoying a little reward after all that labor. So Athas' s hour-long class, held at the InterContinental Hotel's fitness center, is followed by a cocktail -- a martini, to be exact.

Although The Mrs. only reads my blog when I force her to, this is one she may want to make note of. For the past 4+ months, The Mrs. has been working diligently to get her company - The Get Fit Solution - off the ground. The company's name implies exactly what it's all about; a solution to get fit. Since there is no shortage of fat people in this country, you would think that The Mrs. would just have to pass a couple business cards out, shake a couple hands and the money would come rolling in. Unfortunately, feeling and being healthy just isn't enough anymore.

People need an added reward to get motivated. Nowadays, what motivates people more than booze? I could walk up to almost anyone in the Greater Boston area, offer them a Grey Goose martini in return for 25 push-ups and you'll see them turn into Richard Simmons. After a tough workout, you need to replenish fluids, right? Why not quench that thirst with some Jack Daniels? "But Batesy, doesn't alcohol dehydrate the body?" Screw you, Einstein! To quote the great Mama Fratelli from "The Goonies", "It's wet ain't it?"

Since every great idea is stolen, I propose that The Get Fit Solution offer some type of libation reward to entice potential customers. You could make a reward scale, so that the more work you put in, then the better drink you get. Not giving 100% - here's your White Wine Spritzer. Worked up a nice sweat - salt or no salt with your margarita? Worked out so hard that you're sore for a week - enjoy this chocolate martini while you recover.

All I'm saying is that we joke about 12 ounce curls...why not make part of the program? If anything, there are more booze-bags out there than fat people. Plus, think of how good you'll look with beer goggles on.

1-18-08

2007-07-11T10:33:00.000-04:00

In case you haven't heard, there is a lot of hype regarding January 18th, 2008. This is because of a 2 minute clip/teaser shown before the "Transformers" film. Apparently J.J. Abrams, producer of "Lost", is coming out with a movie. In true "Lost" fashion, the clip shows something but reveals nothing. The premise appears to be like any other action movie teaser trailer - Hunky-Dory one second and people running from fireballs the next. What makes this clip so affective though is the same reason why "The Blair Witch Project" got so much hype - it feels real and forces you to want to know more. We HATE not knowing what's happening! I can guarantee there are thousands of hacker-nerds codenamed "Floppy Disk", "Ctrl-Alt-Delete" and "Wireless Mouse" vying to be the first to uncover this mystery. Much of the speculation seems to revolve around obvious choices - Godzilla or Voltron. As much as I'd love to see a Voltron movie, I wouldn't put it past Abrams to be making a live-action "Care Bears" movie. I mean, he does seem to like to f*ck with people. Even when you go to the "movies" website (http://www.1-18-08.com/), which contains only two pictures, can you see a weird creature between the two women? What the hell is that??? Well, without further ado...check out the trailer and judge for yourself:

What Is More Scary?

2007-07-10T14:58:00.000-04:00

OR...

You Know You're Getting Old When...

2007-07-10T11:49:00.000-04:00

You remember this (which aired in 1986 - I was 10 years old):

I actually don't know what's worse - actually remembering running to the TV whenever this show was on or noticing that Alanis Morissette was pretty damn young...but NOW seems so old. Come to find out that Alanis Morissette was born June 1st, 1974...that would make her just two years old than I.

CRAP!

Thankfully, there are exceptions - Remember "Kids Incorporated"? Look who is one year older than yours truly:

OH, you don't know who I'm talking about? Maybe this will help:

Birthday Of The Day - Guess Who's 60?

2007-07-09T14:40:00.000-04:00

Everyone's favorite running back and co-star of the "Naked Gun" movies...Oh, and the guy who "may" have murdered his ex-wife and her lover:

As an added BONUS, for your viewing pleasure, I offer you a satirical take on OJ using the visual brilliance of "The Simpsons".

The New Scent For Summer - By Yankee Candle

2007-07-07T14:48:00.000-04:00